LIBRARY 

JiEGO 


A  ROCKY  SPRING  IN  YANKEE  LAND 


New  England  Joke  Lore 


THE  TONIC  OF  YANKEE  HUMOR 


BY 


ARTHUR  G.  CRANDALL 

Author   of    "Optimistic    Medicine" 


PHILADELPHIA 

F.  A.  DAVIS  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS 
1922 


COPYRIGHT,  1922 

BY 
F.  A.  DAVIS  COMPANY 


Copyright,  Greit  Britain.     All  Rights  Reserved 


PRINTED  IN   U.S.A. 

PRESS  OF 

F.    A.    DAVIS    COMPANY 
PHILADELPHIA.  PA. 


DEDICATED  TO  THOSE 

STALWART  SONS  OF  NEW  ENGLAND 

WHOSE  ABILITY  TO  THINK  STRAIGHT,  COMBINED 
WITH  AN  UNRUFFLED  POISE  AND  NEVERFAILING 
SENSE  OF  HUMOR,  HAS  ENABLED  THEM  AND 
THEIR  DESCENDANTS  TO  TAKE  A  LEADING  PART 
IN  THE  DEVELOPMENT  OF  OUR  GLORIOUS  COUNTRY 


FOREWORD 


THE  dry  wit  of  the  New  England  Yankee 
has  done  much  to  cheer  the  Lonely  Traveler 
on  his  way.  It  has  oiled  the  thinking  machin- 
ery when  it  creaked  and  provided  inspiration 
for  that  spontaneous  good  fellowship  which 
helps  so  much  to  make  life  worth  living. 

The  following  pages  are  not  the  product  of 
an  overworked  imagination,  but  a  record  of 
actual  happenings.  The  characters  who  pass 
in  review  before  the  reader  are  real  person- 
ages whose  various  experiences  have  glad- 
dened many  adjacent  firesides. 

However,  the  author  realizes  that  certain 
serious  and  literal  souls  are  so  constructed 
that  what  to  others  is  a  source  of  glee  and 
merriment,  is  to  them  but  "the  crackling  of 
thorns  under  a  pot."  Hence  the  origin  of  his 
conscientious  plan  to  display  in  the  book's 
"show  window,"  so  to  speak,  a  sample  of  the 
brand  of  Yankee  humor  the  reader  may  ex- 
pect to  find  should  he  resolve  to  read  further. 

[5] 


Therefore,  let  us  turn  aside  from  these 
gracious  words  of  the  author  as  above  and 
consider  for  a  moment  the  soliloquy  of  Uncle 
Andrew  Cheney,  who  did  not  like  his  son- 
in-law. 

Uncle  Andrew  did  not  like  work  very  well 
either,  which  is  often  unfortunate  for  a  hus- 
band and  father  of  a  family.  In  view  of  his 
own  impecunious  state,  it  was  peculiarly  an- 
noying to  him  to  continually  be  witnessing  the 
lavish  display  of  an  elderly  neighbor  who  had 
considerable  inherited  property,  but,  who  though 
a  long  time  married,  was  childless. 

One  summer  evening  Uncle  Andrew  was 
sitting  disconsolately  on  the  steps  of  the  little 
country  grocery  store,  when  he  heard  the 
clatter  of  horses'  feet  and  saw  the  well-to-do 
neighbor  driving  by  with  his  pair  of  high 
stepping  colts.  Uncle  Andrew  scowled  but 
said  nothing.  Again  came  the  thud  of  feet 
and  the  horses  and  proud  driver,  coming  back 
up  the  country  road,  once  more  passed  the 
store.  Uncle  Andrew  glowered  at  the  spec- 
tacle with  increasing  disgust,  but  still  man- 
aged to  restrain  himself. 

[6] 


FOREWORD 


A  third  time  the  gay  equipage  swept  past. 
This  was  too  much  and  Uncle  Andrew, 
deeply  stirred,  began  to  talk  to  himself.  A 
neighbor,  sitting  near  was  the  only  listener, 
but  what  he  heard  he  considered  well  worth 
repeating. 

"Oh!  Yes,"  Uncle  Andrew  muttered.  "You 
are  a  mighty  smart  man,  you  are.  And 
you've  got  some  fine  hosses,  too." 

A  gleam  came  in  his  eye. 

"You  are  a  smart  man,  but  I've  got  one 
thing  you  haven't  got  and  never  will  have; 
and  that's  the  biggest  liar  for  a  son-in-law 
there  is  in  this  county." 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  I. 
SHOWING  SOME  GENERAL  CHARACTERISTICS. 

PAGE 

Overlooked  by  Tourists — "Year  Before  Last  Winter's  Snow" 
— The  School  Master  and  His  Snow  Grave — Drifted 
Roads  and  the  Right  of  Way— The  Post  Holes  in  the 
Ice— The  Man  Who  Took  Comfort  at  Funerals— The 
Story  of  the  Field  of  Oats— The  Kitchen  Dance  "Up 
The  Branch"— The  New  Maple  Sugar  Tub— A  Yankee 
Philanthropist— The  Butcher  Who  Was  Too  Generous  13-34 

CHAPTER  II. 
RELATING  TO  CERTAIN  CONJUGAL  INFELICITIES. 

Why  Dave  Left  Home — The  Discouraging  Matrimonial  Ex- 
periences of  Bill  Jordan — Another  Tale  of  a  Confiding 
Husband — "Purty  Bur-r-ds" — "Seven  Wives  and  Seven 
Prisons" — The  French-Canadian  Who  Wanted  a  "War 
for  the  Womens"  35-53 

CHAPTER  III. 
LEGENDS  OF  THE  ECCENTRIC. 

"You  Don't  Have  to  Yell  at  Me"— The  Story  of  the  Stolen 
Bundle  of  Hay — The  Raid  on  Jim  Green's  Pork  Barrel — 
How  Lote  Platt  Beat  the  Thunder  Shower— The  Tale  of 
the  Old-Fashioned  "Settle"— The  Lost  Harrow  Teeth— 
The  Story  of  the  Salt  Shake — "Better  Give  Them  to  Some 
Poor  Boy" 54-71 

CHAPTER  IV. 
FAMILY  CHARACTERISTICS  AND  SMALL  TOWN  LIFE. 

The  Young  Man  Who  Had  "Speerit"— The  Lady  Who 
Secured  a  Wardrobe — The  Story  of  "Lafe"  and  the  Livery 
Stable  Man— The  Man  Who  Wanted  to  Fight  a  Year 


[9] 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

Afterward— A  Rural  "Trademark"— An  Early  Example 
of  Camouflage— "Noah  Built  the  Ark" 72-90 

CHAPTER  V. 

THE  YANKEE  TRADING  INSTINCT  AND  SOME 
AMUSING  EXAMPLES. 

The  Story  of  the  Eccentric  Cow — The  Remarkable  Incident 
of  the  Cart  Wheels — The  Thrilling  Experiences  of  a 
Mountain  "Doctress"— The  Expedient  of  the  Cow  Buyer— 
The  History  of  a  Milk  Sled 91-107 

CHAPTER  VI. 

DOMESTIC  ANIMALS  AND  THEIR  PART  IN 
LEGENDARY  HUMOR. 

The  Story  of  a  Wandering  Sheep— The  Young  and  "Self- 
Centered"  Ram — The  Sudden  Enlightenment  of  the  Young 
Pup — A  Hen  Heroine — The  Story  of  the  "Lolling"  Horse 
— The  Farmer  Who  Borrowed  the  Blind  Horse— The 
Lame  Horse  That  was  Suddenly  Cured — The  Bird  Police- 
man— The  Evicted  Swallows — The  Proprietary  Attitude  of 
the  Robins— The  Haunted  Cat 108-132 

CHAPTER  VII. 
LEGENDS  OF  RURAL  SPOOKS. 

The  Ghost  in  the  Milk  Dairy— The  Spook  Story  of  the 
Runaway  Horse — Table  Tipping  and  a  Victim — The  Story 
of  the  Ouija  Board — The  Unreal  Arrival  of  Uncle  Mark — 
The  Locked  Door  Which  Swung  Open — The  Joke  Played 
on  the  Hotel  Porter— The  Pedlar  Who  Disappeared— The 
Sudden  Discontinuance  of  the  "Spirit  Raps" — The  Super- 
natural Illumination  133-155 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
TALES  OF  RURAL  LAWYERS  AND  THE  COURTS. 

The  Litigating  Horse  Dealer — The  Attorney  Who  Scorned 
Divorce  Business — The  Murderer  Who  Was  Not  There 

[10] 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

That  Day— A  Celebrated  Arson  Case— The  Attorney  Who 
Justified  "Assault  and  Battery" — The  Lawyer  Who  Was 
Going  to  "Get  Over  It" — The  Story  of  the  Wily  Bank 
Robber— The  Legend  of  the  Pine  Tree— The  Man  Who 
Wanted  to  be  "Sociable"  156-176 

CHAPTER  IX. 

SOME  EXPERIENCES  OF  THE  YANKEE  TRAVELING 
SALESMAN. 

The  Hopeful  Young  Beginner — The  Sick  Engineer  in  the 
Next  Room — WThat  Happened  in  the  Hotel  Barber  Shop — 
The  Salesman  Who  Was  Given  a  "Warm  Room" — The 
Story  of  the  Itemized  Expense  Account — "Two  Barrels" — 
The  Old  Man  Who  Was  Inveigled  Into  a  Poker  Game  177-195 

CHAPTER  X. 
TRADITIONS  OF  THE  RURAL  CHURCH. 

The  Story  of  the  "Raised"  Biscuits— The  Small  Boy  Who 
Scandalized  the  Congregation — The  "Driveling  Idiot" — 
The  Love-Cracked  Suicide — "There  is  a  Lion  in  the  Way" 
— The  Man  Who  Borrowed  "Arabian  Nights"  from  a 
Christian  Woman — The  Woman  Who  Was  Not  Going  to 
be  a  Pack  Horse — The  Enterprising  Deacon  Who  Pro- 
posed at  the  Grave 196-215 

CHAPTER  XI. 
TALES  OF  RURAL  THRIFT. 

The  Old  Friend  and  the  Load  of  Hay— The  Man  Who 
Worked  a  Confidence  Game  on  His  Cows — "Stew  'Er 
Down" — "Never  Mind,  I  Can  Cut  It" — The  Empty  Flour 
Barrel — The  Town  Pauper  Who  Made  an  Epigram — 
The  Conscientious  Neighbor  Who  Ran  an  Account — The 
Thrifty  Man  Who  "Swore  Off"  Using  Tobacco 216-236 

CHAPTER  XII. 

CHEERFUL  TALES  OF  NEIGHBORLY  INTERCOURSE. 
"Am  I  Ben  Jackson,  or  Am  I  Not?"— "The  Farther  You  Go 
the  Better  They  Are"— "Say,  Put  the  Doctor  Ahead"— 

[11] 


CONTENTS 


PAGE 

The  Scrambled  Eggs  in  the  Highway — The  Story  of  the 
Rebellious  Horse — What  Happened  to  the  Junk  Man — 
What  Happened  to  Another  Junk  Dealer — The  Inquisi- 
tive Man  by  the  Roadside — The  Misfortunes  of  Mr. 
Foley 237-255 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
SAD  TALES  OF  PRE-PROHIBITION  DAYS. 

The  Return  of  a  War  Hero— The  Motorist  Who  Was  Good 
To  Antoine — The  Tale  of  a  Rescued  Keg  of  Whiskey — 
The  Prohibition  Whale  Oil— The  Righteous  Wrath  of 
"Marm"  Hooker— "Poor  Kelly  Took  the  Rest" 256-276 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
TALES  OF  THE  FARM  HIRED  MAN. 

The  Hand  Mowers  at  Murray's — The  Sporting  Venture  of 
the  Country  Editor— "I've  Found  the  Spring"— The  Ex- 
pert Who  Repaired  the  Fences — The  Man  Who  "Arrived 
in  a  Great  Hurry" — "Where's  Hadlock?" — A  French- 
Canadian  Version  of  Employers'  Liability  Insurance..  277-293 


[12] 


CHAPTER   I 
SHOWING  SOME  GENERAL  CHARACTERISTICS 

WHEN  the  young  business  man  or  girl  sten- 
ographer who  has  grown  up  in  one  of  the 
innumerable  thriving  towns  or  cities  of  the 
broad  Mississippi  Valley,  scans  the  morning 
paper  on  the  way  to  the  daily  task  and  reads 
of  the  incidental  happenings  duly  chronicled 
as  New  England  News,  there  may  perhaps  be 
a  glance  of  the  mind's  eye  at  that  little  corner 
of  the  map  of  the  United  States  as  revealed  in 
the  not  remote  school  days.  Then  it  was  neces- 
sary, if  one  would  be  on  harmonious  terms  with 
the  teacher,  to  at  least  memorize  the  state 
capitals  of  Vermont,  New  Hampshire,  and  lit- 
tle Rhode  Island,  as  well  as  those  of  the  some- 
what much  more  imposing  looking  states  of 
Maine,  Massachusetts,  and  Connecticut.  And 
how  small  and  insignificant  they  all  looked 
compared  with  the  rest  of  the  map! 

It  is  true  that  geographies  of  good  stand- 
ing are  not  supposed  to  deceive,  but  it  is 
doubtful  if  any  of  them  ever  quite  did  jus- 

[13] 


NEW  ENGLAND  JOKE  LORE 

tice  to  the  northeast  corner  of  the  U.  S.  of 
America. 

And  when,  as  sometimes  happens  in  these 
modern  times,  the  young  business  man  mar- 
ries the  little  stenographer  and  by  industry 
and  intelligence  becomes  prosperous,  there  is 
a  desire  for  the  well  earned  holiday.  He 
and  the  girl  stenographer  now  become  a 
matron,  if  permitted  choice,  are  impelled  to 
explore  that  same  little  corner  of  the  earth 
so  shabbily  set  forth  by  the  map,  but  so  at- 
tractively described  by  acquaintances  who  have 
toured  that  section  in  summer. 

And  perhaps  they  will  repeat  these  visits 
and  view  many  smiling  valleys  and  listen  to 
the  soothing  lullabies  of  the  surf  by  night 
and  to  unconvincing  statements  of  hotel  clerks 
by  day — and  yet  will  have  missed  the  most 
satisfying  and  illuminating  characteristic  of 
New  England — contact  with  the  real  typical 
New  England  Yankee. 

Nowhere  on  earth  does  the  aphorism  that 
appearances  are  often  deceitful  more  frequently 
prove  to  be  true  than  in  New  England,  espe- 
cially in  the  rural  districts.  The  impressive 

[14] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

appearing  motorist  displaying  the  now  familiar 
license  tag  of  the  region  may  be  a  local 
tradesman  rated  in  the  commercial  register  as 
"capital  $500  to  $1000,  credit  limited."  Just 
behind  in  a  cloud  of  dust  the  carelessly 
dressed  man  in  shabby  looking  buggy  drawn 
by  a  placid  old  horse,  may  own  a  fine  farm, 
many  pedigreed  cattle  and  possess  in  addition 
an  abundance  of  reserve  cash  with  which  to 
take  advantage  of  any  favorable  opportunity 
for  investment.  While  the  apparel  may  "oft 
portray  the  man,"  it  is  far  from  being  an 
infallible  test  in  New  England.  Even  when 
the  native  of  this  region  is  transplanted  to 
some  bustling  city,  he  is  prone  to  develop 
carelessness  in  dress  as  prosperity  steals  upon 
him. 

The  native  resident  who  remarks  casually 
that  the  New  England  climate  consists  of 
"nine  months  winter  and  three  months  late  in 
the  fall,"  is  not  probably  making  any  plans 
to  remove  elsewhere.  He  is  taking  a  sardonic 
pleasure  in  making  it  clear  that  he  is  labor- 
ing under  no  delusions  as  to  what  the  seasons 

[15] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

will  reveal  in  the  months  to  come.  He  makes 
no  attempt  to  gloss  over  the  enormities  of 
the  midwinter  season,  but  indeed  seems  to 
take  much  satisfaction  in  quoting  the  below 
zero  records  which  make  a  Philadelphian, 
for  instance,  gasp  with  horror. 

Overlooked  by  Tourists 

A  sturdy  woman  of  middle  age,  who  had 
been  born  and  raised  in  a  northern  New 
England  region,  was  chatting  with  a  traveler 
about  some  recent  extremely  cold  weather 
and  told  him  that  the  temperature  at  her 
home  had  gone  down  to  about  38  degrees 
below  zero.  As  he  expressed  some  interest 
she  added,  "over  in  the  next  town  it  was 
46  below."  Upon  noting  the  surprise  occa- 
sioned by  this  statement  she  hastened  to  say 
that  it  was  52  below  at  the  same  time  in 
another  town  about  twenty  miles  distant. 
She  then  assumed  an  expression  of  great 
candor  and  proceeded,  "My  daughter,  who 
lives  about  ten  miles  beyond  that  place,  wrote 
that  their  thermometer  registered  58  degrees 
below  zero." 

[16] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

She  was  a  truthful  woman  and  a  good 
Methodist.  The  abashed  listener  hastily  changed 
the  subject. 

Stories  of  such  extreme  cold  seem  to  be 
exaggerated,  to  strangers  who  have  traveled 
these  districts  in  ordinary  winter  weather, 
but  it  is  merely  exceptional  rather  than  im- 
possible. To  people  of  normal  health  such 
cold  waves  are  merely  an  unpleasant  inci- 
dent. Those  of  experience  will  insist  that 
on  the  average  the  winter  of  even,  steady 
cold  is  healthier  than  the  warm  ones. 

While  there  is,  of  course,  a  temptation  to 
elderly  people  of  means  to  spend  their  win- 
ters in  some  warmer  section,  there  are  plenty 
of  instances  on  record  to  prove  that  it  is 
usually  better  to  "stick  it  out"  at  home,  un- 
less of  course  the  change  of  climate  is  to  be 
permanent.  Withstanding  the  cold  develops 
vigor  for  the  relaxing  days  of  spring  and 
summer.  Besides,  in  this  matter  as  in  many 
others,  it  is  evident  that  nature  abhors  a 
quitter. 


[17] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE    LORE 

'Tear  Before  Last  Winter's  Snow" 

It  is  the  winter  of  unusually  deep  snows 
that  stimulates  the  Yankee  sense  of  humor. 
An  early  summer  visitor  driving  through  a 
deep  gorge,  scarcely  touched  at  any  part  of 
the  day  by  sunshine,  found  a  man  busily 
shoveling  snow  which  had  evidently  drifted 
deep  across  the  road. 

"You  must  have  had  lots  of  snow  here 
last  winter,"  he  remarked  as  he  drove  by. 

"Oh!  no,"  was  the  reply,  "this  is  winter 
before  last's  snow." 

The  School  Master  and  His  Snow  Grave 

Among  the  legends  clustering  about  a  little 
country  schoolhouse  is  a  comedy  in  which 
deep  snow  furnished  the  motif  and  more 
literally  the  environment.  An  earnest  young 
college  student  who  was  self-supporting,  se- 
cured the  privilege  of  teaching  the  winter 
term  of  school.  Among  his  pupils  were  sev- 
eral husky  youths  to  whom  burning  the  mid- 
night oil  made  little  appeal.  It  soon  became 
evident  to  the  parents  that  the  well-meaning 

[18] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

but  somewhat  diffident  teacher  was  destined 
for  trouble.  A  tremendous  snowfall  with 
high  drifts  brought  events  to  a  climax. 
While  the  teacher  was  away  for  his  lunch  at 
the  noon  hour,  the  boys  dug  a  deep  "grave" 
in  a  snowdrift  near  the  schoolhouse,  and 
when  their  unsuspecting  victim  approached  he 
was  promptly  seized,  and  in  spite  of  his 
struggles,  placed  in  the  grave  and  lightly 
sprinkled  with  snow.  Needless  to  say  he  was 
glad  to  resign  his  position  and  make  way  for 
a  successor  of  probably  less  education  but 
considerably  more  muscle. 

The  successive  snow  storms  often  bring  about 
a  condition  of  the  back  roads  that  makes  travel- 
ing difficult  in  the  latter  part  of  the  winter. 
Under  these  conditions  it  is  an  unwritten  law 
that  as  compared  with  those  who  travel  light, 
the  heavily  loaded  team  shall  have  the  right  of 
way.  On  a  certain  occasion  this  custom  was 
peremptorily  challenged. 

Drifted  Roads  and  the  Right  of  Way 

Two  families  of  the  neighborhood  were  far 
from  friendly.  Two  brothers  of  one  of  these 

[19] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

uncongenial  families  returning  home  from  town 
with  a  horse  and  sleigh  chanced  to  meet  the 
robust  scion  of  the  other  family  with  two 
horses  and  a  big  sled  loaded  with  logs.  In- 
stead of  yielding  to  the  work  team  as  precedent 
required,  these  young  hopefuls  demanded  half 
of  the  roadway.  Although  fully  appreciating 
the  personal  motive  in  this  action,  the  driver  of 
the  log  team  blandly  explained  that  if  he  were 
to  turn  his  horses  into  the  soft  deep  snow  by 
the  roadside,  his  load  would  be  stuck  in  the 
drift.  Interpreting  this  explanation  as  an  evi- 
dence of  timidity,  one  of  the  young  men  jumped 
from  the  sleigh  and  taking  the  two  team  horses 
by  the  bridles,  started  to  turn  them  into  the 
drift.  The  driver  was  quick  as  well  as  athletic 
and  in  a  very  few  seconds  a  three  cornered 
fist-fight  was  well  under  way.  It  was  short  and 
decisive,  after  which  the  two  brothers  meekly 
turned  their  horse  and  sleigh  out  into  the  snow 
drifts,  passed  the  load  of  logs  and  went  home. 
The  scarlet  evidence  of  bloody  noses  in  the 
snow  soon  faded,  but  numerous  firesides  were 
cheered  by  the  story  which  soon  went  the  rounds 
of  the  neighborhood. 

[20] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

While  the  rural  midwinter  season  tends  to 
physical  inactivity,  the  Yankee  sense  of  humor 
is  apparently  stimulated.  It  may  be  said,  how- 
ever, that  while  the  sarcastic  brand  of  humor 
is  not  popular,  occasionally  some  "deep  thinker" 
will  evolve  an  intricate  plot  like  the  following. 

The  Post  Holes  in  the  Ice 

In  a  certain  community  there  was  a  newly 
hired  farm  hand  whose  ingenuous  innocence 
was  a  constant  temptation.  A  young  black- 
smith found  out  that  the  farm  hand  was  espe- 
cially fond  of  trotting  races.  He  accordingly 
proceeded  to  elaborate  on  a  mythical  trotting 
meet  that  was  supposed  to  soon  take  place 
on  the  lake.  The  stranger's  eyes  sparkled. 
That  was  something  like  the  real  life.  He 
asked  what  it  was  going  to  cost  to  see  the  races. 
The  blacksmith  named  a  very  high  figure,  but 
hastily  reassured  the  young  man  that  it  would 
be  easy  for  him  to  secure  a  season  ticket  if  he 
would  help  to  get  things  in  readiness.  The 
farm  hand  eagerly  agreed  and  asked  what  he 
could  do.  The  blacksmith  told  him  that  of  course 
there  would  have  to  be  a  board  fence  around 

[21] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  ice  track  and  that  it  would  be  necessary 
to  dig  post  holes  in  the  ice,  indicating  the 
section  of  the  lake  where  the  fence  must  be 
built.  The  next  morning  the  confiding  hired 
man  got  a  day  off  and  promptly  proceeded 
to  the  lake,  devoting  several  hours  to  the 
laborious  task  of  post  hole  digging  before 
someone's  curiosity  led  to  an  investigation 
and  the  disillusionment  of  the  victim. 

It  is  not  characteristic  of  the  normal  New 
England  mind  to  dwell  upon  that  which  is 
somber.  That  trend  of  mind  which  contem- 
plates with  satisfaction  the  gloomy  and  fune- 
real, never  fails  to  create  amusement  among 
normal  Yankees. 

The  Man  Who  Took  Comfort  at  Funerals 

There  is  an  old  time  story  of  the  eccentric 
old  bachelor  who  lived  with  his  married 
brother,  a  bustling  person  of  numerous  activi- 
ties, noted  for  a  propensity  to  begin  many 
enterprises  but  seldom  finish  them.  Poor 
"Hamp,"  the  bachelor,  was  constantly  being 
speeded  up  at  the  endless  jobs.  One  day  he 

[22] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

announced  his  intention  to  take  an  afternoon 
vacation  and  attend  a  funeral.  His  taskmas- 
ter objected. 

"Why  do  you  want  to  go  to  that  funeral? 
You  went  to  one  only  last  week  and  you 
never  were  acquainted  with  either  of  the 
families." 

"Hamp"  hesitated  a  moment.  A  half  day's 
release  seemed  wonderfully  inviting. 

"Well,  to  tell  the  truth,"  said  he,  "about  all 
the  comfort  I  take  is  in  going  to  funerals." 

The  grim  visaged  old  farmer  who  sits  with 
bent  shoulders  guiding  his  slow  moving  pair 
of  farm  horses  along  the  dusty  road,  reflects 
the  stern  realities  of  making  ends  meet — and 
perhaps  a  little  bit  more — as  the  tiller  of  a 
rocky  New  England  farm.  But  the  smartly 
dressed  tourist  may  have  far  less  of  that 
mental  flexibility  which  enables  one  to  shift 
the  processes  of  thought  from  that  which  is 
burdensome  to  that  which  renews  the  cheer- 
fulness of  youth.  As  an  example  of  this 
capacity  there  is  the  incident  of  the  field  of 
oats. 

[23] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Story  of  the  Field  of  Oats 

A  farmer  was  standing  by  the  roadside 
looking  disconsolately  at  his  oat  field  which 
he  somehow  seemed  to  feel  was  a  personal 
reproach.  A  cold  wet  season  had  had  a  most 
discouraging  influence  and  there  was  promise 
of  but  a  very  small  crop. 

Along  the  highway  came  a  well-known  elderly 
citizen  who  would  be  sure  to  notice  the  oats  and 
estimate  them  for  just  what  they  were  worth. 
He  stopped  his  horse  and  passed  the  custo- 
mary salutations  and  seeming  in  no  hurry,  the 
conversation  covered  quite  a  range  of  local 
topics.  The  owner  of  the  oat  field  began  to 
breathe  easier.  Perhaps  this  man  had  not 
noticed  the  oats.  He  exerted  himself  to  be 
agreeable  to  the  traveler.  The  latter  finally 
straightened  his  reins.  The  patient  horse  be- 
gan to  look  expectant,  slowly  started  up  and 
then  the  blow  fell,  but  not  on  the  horse.  His 
driver  gave  a  comprehensive  glance  across  the 
field. 

"Your  oats,"  said  he,  "are  short — but  thin." 

For  the  benefit  of  the  uninitiated  it  might 
be  said  that  it  is  perfectly  possible  to  secure 

[24] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

a  fairly  satisfactory  yield  of  oats  even  if  in 
short  stalk,  provided  that  there  is  a  thick 
stand.  From  the  foregoing  it  will  be  evident 
that  the  outlook  in  this  case  was  very  un- 
favorable. 

Monotony  is  supposed,  by  those  enlightened 
ones  of  the  earth  who  reside  in  large  cities, 
to  be  inevitably  associated  with  rural  life,  but 
youth  can  generally  be  depended  upon  to  pro- 
vide a  thrill  now  and  then,  even  in  the  back 
woods. 

The  Kitchen  Dance  "Up  the  Branch" 

One  evening  in  late  winter,  three  enterpris- 
ing young  men  in  search  of  diversion,  decided 
to  hire  a  horse  and  sleigh  and  attend  a  dance, 
which  by  some  underground  source  they  had 
heard  was  scheduled  for  that  date  at  a  farm- 
house some  three  or  four  miles  away  "up 
the  Branch." 

Now,  of  course,  the  code  of  etiquette  re- 
quired these  young  gallants  to  engage  a  barge, 
pair  of  horses  and  driver  and  also  invite 
three  young  ladies  to  accompany  them.  But 

[25] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

funds  were  scarce  with  them  and  relying  upon 
what  is  now  known  as  "nerve/'  they  felt  sure 
they  could  secure  dancing  partners  among  the 
girls  who  would  be  sure  to  be  present. 

Driving  up  to  the  door  of  the  farmhouse 
with  a  flourish,  they  turned  their  horse  over 
to  the  volunteer  hostlers  and  joined  the  party. 
As  they  were  good  dancers  and  not  burdened 
with  bashfulness,  they  were  not  long  in  mak- 
ing acquaintances  among  the  girls  present  and 
were  soon  enjoying  themselves  greatly.  To 
be  sure  they  noticed  a  marked  lack  of  cor- 
diality among  the  other  boys,  but  they  did 
not  allow  so  trifling  a  matter  as  that  to  dis- 
turb them. 

All  pleasures  came  to  an  end  and  about 
three  o'clock  in  the  morning  it  occurred  to 
the  three  young  heroes,  that  as  each  of  them 
was  expected  to  be  "on  the  job"  that  morn- 
ing, it  would  be  well  to  start  for  home  and 
get  a  little  sleep.  So  they  called  for  their 
horse  and  making  graceful  acknowledgments 
to  the  young  ladies  for  the  pleasures  of  the 
occasion,  they  put  on  their  top  coats  and  took 
their  places  in  the  sleigh. 

[26] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

The  horse  was  quite  restive  and  apparently 
in  much  haste  to  start.  One  of  the  trio  took 
the  reins  and  the  volunteer  hostler,  giving  the 
horse  his  head,  they  started  at  a  fast  pace 
homeward. 

It  was  very  dark  and  deep  snows  of  the 
winter,  now  mostly  melted  away,  had  left  a 
rather  uneven  roadbed.  There  were  frequent 
deep  depressions  into  which  the  rapidly  mov- 
ing sleigh  would  sink  with  nerve-racking  con- 
cussions. One  of  the  passengers  protested  to 
the  driver. 

"What's  the  use  in  driving  so  fast?"  said 
he.  "My  teeth  are  all  getting  loose." 

The  driver   tugged  on  the  reins. 

"I  don't  understand  the  nature  of  the 
beast,"  he  said.  "Here,  get  hold  of  the  reins 
with  me  and  see  if  we  can't  make  him  slow 
down  a  little." 

They  tugged  at  the  reins  with  all  their 
combined  strength,  but  apparently  it  only 
made  the  horse  go  faster.  Accordingly  they 
gave  their  principal  attention  to  getting  through 
the  "cradle  holes"  with  as  little  shock  as  pos- 
sible. The  fast  pace  of  the  horse  was  rapidly 

[27] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

bringing  them  toward  their  home  town  and 
they  soon  saw  the  street  lights.  The  horse 
evidently  had  but  one  object  and  that  was  to 
get  the  job  over  with  and  reach  the  stable 
and  his  own  comfortable  stall. 

Moving  down  a  long  street  at  a  very  fast 
pace,  the  horse  made  a  sudden  sharp  turn 
toward  his  stable.  The  sleigh,  skidding  vio- 
lently across  the  wide,  icy  street,  struck  the 
curb  and  capsized,  throwing  the  three  heroes 
of  the  dance  out  upon  the  sidewalk  together 
with  the  sleigh  robes  and  other  equipment. 

The  horse,  with  the  sleigh  still  attached, 
then  dashed  up  the  street  at  a  mad  gallop 
toward  the  stable. 

Gathering  themselves  up,  somewhat  shaken 
and  bruised,  but  not  seriously  marred  by  their 
experience,  the  devoted  three  picked  up  the 
robes  and  blankets  and  made  their  limping 
way  to  the  stable. 

They  found  the  horse  and  somewhat  shat- 
tered sleigh  being  inspected  by  a  much  dis- 
gusted looking  stable  man. 

"What's  the  matter  with  you  fellows,  any- 
way?" said  he.  "Don't  you  know  enough  to 
harness  a  horse?" 

[28] 


The  light  of  the  lantern  solved  the  mystery 
of  the  wild  ride  home  from  the  dance.  The 
obliging  volunteer  hostler  had  carefully  re- 
frained from  putting  the  bit  in  the  horse's 
mouth. 

After  paying  the  bill  for  damages  sustained 
by  the  sleigh,  the  young  adventurers  decided 
that  the  boys  "up  the  Branch"  had  evened 
the  score. 

The  New  Maple  Sugar  Tub 

Not  far  from  the  scenes  of  the  above  com- 
edy, there  lived  on  a  little  farm,  an  elderly 
man  of  very  thrifty  habits.  He  took  great  pride 
in  the  maple  sugar  he  produced.  Deciding  to 
have  the  family  supply  all  in  one  large  re- 
ceptacle, he  had  a  can  made  by  a  local  tin- 
smith to  contain  two  or  three  hundred  pounds 
of  the  finest  maple  sugar.  This  was  filled 
at  the  proper  season  and  stored  in  an  attic 
at  the  head  of  a  long  flight  of  stairs.  Sev- 
eral people  of  the  vicinity  were  invited  to  in- 
spect that  new  sugar  tub  and  its  contents. 

One  day  a  great  misfortune  came  to  the 
farm.  The  house  caught  on  fire.  There  was 

[29] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

very  little  water  available  with  which  to  fight 
it  and  it  made  rapid  headway.  It  was  soon 
evident  that  there  was  no  hope  of  saving  the 
building,  so  sympathetic  neighbors  helped  to 
remove  such  of  the  contents  of  the  house  as 
could  be  carried  out  before  it  was  too  late. 
The  old  man  was  naturally  much  broken  up 
and  while  they  were  looking  upon  the  ruins, 
expressed  his  regret  that  he  had  lost  that  tub 
of  sugar.  Someone  said: 

"I  thought  you  were  up  there  in  the  attic. 
Why  didn't  you  roll  it  down  stairs?" 

The  old  man  turned  a  rueful  countenance 
and  said: 

"I  thought  of  doing  that,  but  I  was  afraid 
it  would  jam  the  tub  up  to  let  it  bump  down 
those  stairs." 

A  Yankee  Philanthropist 

And  now  by  contrast  with  the  simple  soul 
who  took  such  pride  in  his  new,  shiny,  sugar 
tub,  there  is  the  story  of  another  type  of 
Yankee  whose  business  shrewdness  had  made 
him  a  marked  man  in  the  community,  even  in 
the  days  of  comparative  youth.  Cool,  calcu- 

[30] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

lating  and  with  unerring  judgment,  all  his 
various  enterprises  prospered,  and  he  was 
looked  upon  with  wholesome  respect  as  a  man 
who  lived  up  to  his  contracts  and  expected 
the  same  of  others.  This  man  shipped  live- 
stock to  the  Boston  market  and  on  a  certain 
warm  day  in  midsummer  was  to  send  away  a 
carload  of  fat  hogs  collected  from  the  sur- 
rounding farm  neighborhood. 

It  is  important  that  fat  hogs  intended  for 
shipment  be  kept  cool.  Among  those  who  ap- 
peared at  the  proper  time  to  make  delivery, 
was  a  man  from  a  little  farm  away  up  on 
the  mountain  top.  He  had  a  very  fat  hog 
which  promised  to  weigh  heavily  and  produce 
a  handsome  financial  return.  Somehow  he 
had  been  careless  and  allowed  the  hog  to 
make  the  journey  in  the  hot  sun  without  suffi- 
cient protection.  At  the  first  glance  the  ex- 
perienced buyer  saw  the  hog  was  overcome 
with  the  heat  and  told  the  owner  that  he 
could  not  accept  it.  The  poor  farmer  was 
stupefied  but  an  inspection  of  the  sick  porker 
showed  him  that  the  shipper  was  justified  in 
his  rejection.  He  was  very  much  cast  down 

[31] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

and  said  that  he  had  been  depending  upon 
the  proceeds  of  that  hog  to  meet  a  pressing 
obligation.  The  shrewd  Yankee  buyer  in  his 
cool  imperturbable  manner  noting  his  distress, 
turned  to  his  assistant: 

"Harry,"  said  he,  "make  out  a  check  for 
the  amount  as  per  weigh  bill,"  which  was 
promptly  done. 

The  check  was  handed  over  to  the  farmer 
and  he  was  instructed  to  take  the  hog,  now 
in  a  state  of  collapse,  to  a  remote  corner  of 
the  adjoining  meadow,  kill  and  bury  it. 

And  yet,  had  anyone  accused  the  hog  buyer 
of  being  a  philanthropist,  he  would  have  re- 
sented the  idea  promptly. 

Another  instance  of  philanthropy,  bearing 
upon  the  same  important  article  of  commerce, 
left  a  somewhat  different  impression. 

The  Butcher  Who  Was  Too  Generous 

In  a  certain  thriving  town  a  meat  dealer 
had  gradually  acquired  a  wide  acquaintance. 
As  he  was  a  genial  man  with  a  ready  sense 
of  humor,  he  was  regarded  with  general  favor 

[32] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

by  outlying  farmers  as  well  as  by  his  local 
customers. 

A  man  who  had  a  farm  back  on  the  hills 
came  to  this  dealer  one  day  and  contracted  to 
deliver  to  him  on  a  certain  date  an  unusually 
fine  specimen  of  dressed  pork,  guaranteed  to 
be  as  near  perfection  as  the  most  fastidious 
customer  could  require. 

The  appointed  day  arrived  and  likewise  the 
farmer  and  the  hog,  which  being  placed  upon 
the  scales  presented  an  attractive  picture,  at 
least  from  the  standpoint  of  those  who  like 
pork.  The  dealer  seemed  well  pleased. 

"My  wife  said  it  was  a  shame  for  me  to 
sell  this  hog,"  said  the  farmer  as  the  dealer 
started  to  adjust  the  scales,  "she  said  she 
wanted  that  hog's  head  for  'sowse.' " 

"Oh!  she  did,"  said  the  dealer,  "well,  I  will 
make  her  a  present  of  it." 

The  butcher  immediately  proceeded  to  de- 
capitate the  hog  and  wrapping  the  head  up  in 
coarse  brown  paper,  handed  it  over  to  the 
delighted  farmer  who  was  overwhelmed  at 
such  unexpected  generosity.  The  butcher  then 
weighing  the  hog,  figured  a  moment  on  a  slip 

3  [33] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

of  paper  and  turning  to  the  till  counted  out 
the  amount  coming  for  the  meat  at  the  agreed 
upon  rate. 

When  the  farmer  handed  the  hog's  head  to 
his  much  surprised  spouse  she  inquired : 
•  "How  much  did  the  hog  weigh?" 

"It  didn't  seem  to  weigh  up  as  much  as  I 
expected,"  said  the  farmer.  "I  thought  it 
would  weigh  twenty-five  or  thirty  pounds  more 
than  it  did." 

The  woman  looked  at  her  husband  suspiciously. 

"Did  the  butcher  weigh  the  hog  before  or 
after  he  cut  off  the  head?" 

"He  weighed  it  afterwards." 

The  comments  of  the  wife  when  she  found 
out  the  real  significance  of  the  "present"  she 
had  received,  may  be  imagined.  The  value  of 
the  head  would  normally  be  about  one  third 
as  much  by  the  pound  as  the  entire  carcass. 


[34] 


CHAPTER  II 

RELATING  TO  CERTAIN  CONJUGAL 
INFELICITIES 

THE  capacity  of  New  England  housewives 
for  self-sacrificing  devotion  to  family  has  been 
made  evident  by  many  a  biographical  history 
of  favorite  sons.  When  the  father  and  mother 
are  both  united  in  the  common  purpose  of 
giving  their  children  opportunities  which  were 
perhaps  almost  wholly  denied  to  themselves,  it 
is  seldom  that  serious  conjugal  differences 
arise. 

But,  unfortunately,  there  are  some  whose 
natural  good  intentions  are  easily  undermined 
by  their  distaste  for  that  monotony  so  com- 
monly associated  with  carrying  out  any  worth- 
while plan. 

Why  Dave  Left  Home 

In  a  certain  rural  district  there  was  a  man 
known  familiarly  to  his  acquaintances  as 
"Dave."  He  had  a  wife  and  several  children, 

[35] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

also  a  small  farm.  To  all  appearances  Dave 
and  his  rather  unprepossessing  appearing  wife 
lived  on  amicable  terms.  Both  were  frugal, 
industrious,  and  regarded  as  well  meaning 
people.  Therefore  it  was  with  great  surprise 
that  the  community  learned  that  Dave  had 
disappeared  under  circumstances  that  admitted 
of  no  doubt  that  he  had  acted  deliberately. 

Although  badly  upset  by  Dave's  unwar- 
ranted action,  his  wife  was  determined  to 
keep  her  little  family  together  and  carry  on 
the  farm  as  a  means  of  support.  Admiring 
her  grit  the  neighbors  showed  their  kindness 
in  many  helpful  ways  and  thus  encouraged, 
the  deserted  family  managed  to  complete  the 
yearly  cycle  in  tolerable  comfort. 

During  all  this  time  Dave's  disappearance 
was  a  continual  source  of  conjecture  to  the 
neighborhood.  Nothing  had  been  heard  of 
him  since  that  early  morning  when  he  had 
been  seen  walking  rapidly  down  the  road  a 
mile  or  two  away  from  home. 

One  evening  a  man  who  lived  on  a  farm 
adjoining  the  one  now  being  conducted  by 
Mrs.  Dave,  was  reading  the  weekly  news- 

[36] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

paper.  Suddenly  there  was  a  faint  tapping  at 
a  nearby  window.  Laying  down  his  paper 
the  farmer  proceeded  to  raise  the  sash.  See- 
ing no  one  he  asked  who  had  rapped.  There 
was  a  hesitating  step  forward  and  a  shadowy 
figure  appeared. 

"Say,"  said  the  visitor,  "can't  you  put  on 
your  hat  and  walk  over  home  with  me?  It's 
me,  Dave.  I've  just  got  back  and  I'd  feel  a 
little  easier  about  showing  up  to  the  Old  Lady 
if  you  were  along." 

So  modest  a  request  could  hardly  be  denied. 
So  the  neighbor  helped  to  restore  Dave  to 
the  tolerance  if  not  the  good  graces  of  his 
wife.  On  the  way  to  his  unsuspecting  family, 
Dave  was  apologetically  garrulous,  explaining 
how  he  had  been  working  some  distance  away 
and  could  not  very  well  leave  his  job.  As 
he  rambled  on  making  an  evident  attempt  to 
excuse  himself,  his  companion's  patience  be- 
came exhausted  and  he  turned  to  Dave  with 
the  logical  question  to  be  asked  by  any  hon- 
orable citizen. 

"Dave,"  said  he,  "that's  all  very  well  that 
you  have  been  telling  me,  but  what  I  want  to 

[37] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

know  is,  how  you  could  sneak  off  the  way 
you  did  and  leave  your  family?" 

Dave  hesitated  and  then  proceeded  to  pass 
out  an  excuse  that  probably  caused  more  local 
feminine  indignation  than  the  actual  sin  of 
abandonment  had  ever  done  in  all  the  sur- 
rounding region. 

"I  guess  it  was  a  kind  of  mean  trick,"  said 
Dave.  "That  morning  I  went  off  I  had  no 
real  notion  of  going.  But  you  see  after  I  had 
got  up,  got  dressed,  and  started  the  fire,  I 
happened  to  look  in  the  bedroom  where  my 
wife  was  lying  asleep,  hair  all  frowzy,  mouth 
wide  open,  and  snoring  so  you  could  hear  her 
out  in  the  road." 

Dave  hesitated. 

"Do  you  know,"  said  he,  "she  looked  so 
awful  homely  I  just  felt  as  if  I  couldn't  stand 
it  any  longer." 

It  is  probable  that  having  variously  con- 
tributed to  supplying  the  needs  of  the  aban- 
doned family  for  an  entire  year,  the  indignant 
women  before  mentioned  were  careful  not  to 
express  their  views  in  the  hearing  of  Dave's 
wife.  At  any  rate  the  historian  mentions  no 

[38] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

further  gaps  in  the  family  happiness.  So  it 
may  be  assumed  that  the  couple  lived  in  per- 
fect accord  thereafter. 

And  now,  having  brought  this  episode  to  a 
delightful  ending,  it  is  the  more  to  be  re- 
gretted that  another  rupture  of  conjugal 
domesticity  had  a  very  different  conclusion. 
In  this  case  it  was  the  beloved  wife  who 
wandered  from  home  and  fireside. 

The  Discouraging  Matrimonial  Experiences 
of  Bill  Jordan 

A  middle-aged  man  of  good  habits  but 
limited  executive  ability  had  acquired  a  small 
farm  on  which  he  lived  and  kept  house  for 
himself.  It  was  a  very  uneventful  life  but  "Bill" 
was  well  seasoned  to  monotony.  As  frequently 
happens  this  monotony  was  suddenly  inter- 
rupted, and  as  might  also  be  expected,  by  a 
woman.  Although  of  unknown  antecedents, 
the  lady  was  bland  and  ingratiating.  She 
seemed  to  discover  many  attractive  qualities  in 
Bill  which  he  had  never  dreamed  of  possessing 
heretofore.  It  is  unnecessary  to  linger  over 

[39] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

details.      A    wedding    took    place    at    an    ex- 
tremely early  date. 

Life  now  seemed  worth  living  and  Bill  was 
a  happy  man.  His  wife  was  a  good  cook  and 
he  was  a  good  provider.  But  somehow  the 
wife  did  not  seem  to  enjoy  her  husband's 
society  exclusively  and  began  to  make  other 
acquaintances  chiefly  of  the  male  persuasion. 
Among  them  was  a  gay  and  debonair  wid- 
ower known  as  "]im"  who  appeared  to  have 
much  more  leisure  than  Bill  had.  And  when 
Jim  struck  out  some  time  later  to  secure  a 
better  paying  job  in  another  state,  Mrs.  Bill 
decided  to  go  along  too. 

Bill  made  no  attempt  to  trace  the  missing 
couple,  but  went  back  to  the  old  way  of  liv- 
ing without  complaint.  When  friends  told 
him  he  was  well  rid  of  such  a  baggage,  Bill 
thought  of  the  good  suppers  she  used  to  get 
for  him  and  was  mute.  For  months  nothing 
was  heard  of  the  missing  spouse,  but  at  last 
there  were  developments  which  can  perhaps 
be  best  explained  in  the  language  of  a  faithful 
friend  of  Bill's,  a  French-Canadian,  named 
"Joe." 

[40] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

"I  seen  Bill  on  the  street  and  I  say  to  him : 
'Bill,  what  makes  you  look  so  glum;  your 
wife  come  back?' ' 

"'No/"  Bill  say,  "'he  ain't  come  back  no 
more ;  he  dead,' ' 

"I  say,  'Aw  gwan,  Bill!  What  makes  you 
tink  he  dead?'" 

"  'I  seen  heem  on  der  paper.' ' 

"I  say,  'Aw  you  don't  want  ter  believe  all 
you  see  in  der  paper,  Bill.  Dey  got  to  print 
some  lies  for  fill  heem  up.' ' 

It  appeared  that  Bill  had  that  morning  re- 
ceived a  letter  from  some  alleged  friend  of 
the  strayed  woman  which  contained  a  clipping 
mentioning  the  decease  of  Mrs.  Bill  and  re- 
questing that  forty  dollars  be  advanced  for 
burial  expenses,  a  sum  modestly  designed  to 
come  within  the  financial  capacity  of  the  be- 
reaved husband. 

Greatly  against  the  advice  of  his  friend, 
Joe,  Bill  insisted  on  forwarding  the  forty  dol- 
lars, after  which  he  resumed  his  daily  routine 
of  attending  to  his  farm  and  cooking  his 
meals.  And  again  after  many  months  was 
the  same  routine  interrupted. 

[41] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE  LORE 

One  afternoon  just  as  Bill  had  kindled  a 
new  fire  in  the  cook  stove,  so  that  his  sup- 
per could  be  preparing  while  he  was  milking 
his  cows,  there  came  a  rapping  at  the  door, 
which  being  opened  revealed  the  presence  of 
Mrs.  Bill,  very  much  alive  and  wearing  the 
smile  which  had  been  so  attractive  while  it 
lasted.  Naturally  there  were  explanations  to 
be  made,  but  Mrs.  Bill  soon  made  it  apparent 
that  she  had  been  a  sad  victim  of  deception. 
And  when  she  told  Bill  to  go  along  and  do 
his  milking  and  she  would  show  him  the  best 
supper  on  his  table  that  he  had  seen  since 
she  went  away,  Bill  was  ready  to  let  bygones 
be  bygones.  He  went  to  the  barn  and 
hustled  his  various  duties,  not  even  grudging 
the  forty  dollars  of  which  he  had  been  be- 
guiled for  the  flimflam  funeral.  But  his  jubi- 
lation was  short  lived.  No  delicious  supper 
was  awaiting  his  return.  His  wife  was  miss- 
ing; likewise  forty-six  dollars  in  the  bureau 
drawer  which  Bill  had  been  carefully  saving 
up  little  by  little  for  taxes. 


[42] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

Thus  did  romance  fade,  and  while  it  must 
be  admitted  that  in  this  depressing  narrative 
of  a  woman's  guile  there  are  many  sugges- 
tions of  humor,  it  is  a  sordid  tale  at  best. 
But  in  another  instance  of  sadly  impaired 
confidence,  the  victim's  faith  in  a  faithless 
wife  was  restored  to  remain  unshaken,  thus 
establishing  in  concrete  form  the  formula  that 
ignorance  can  really  be  bliss  of  a  certain 
quality  at  least. 

Another  Tale  of  a  Confiding  Husband 

Hosea  W —  was  the  possessor  of  a  small 
property  left  to  him  by  his  deceased  wife  who 
had  inherited  it  from  a  notoriously  frugal 
father.  Hosea  was  an  amiable,  simple  minded 
person  of  very  limited  earning  capacity.  Not- 
ing his  loneliness  after  his  wife's  death, 
Hosea  was  marked  out  as  a  worth-while 
"prospect"  by  a  widow,  to  whom  to  apply  the 
term  "designing"  would  be  very  inadequate 
indeed.  Of  a  gracious  personality  and  a  keen 
intellect,  it  was  probably  only  because  of  a 
reluctance  to  leave  familiar  scenes  that  she 
failed  to  become  another  Cassie  Chadwick. 

[43] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

As  before  stated,  the  widow  classified  Hosea 
as  being  worth  her  consideration.  He  had 
certain  small  possessions,  including  a  home, 
and  she  was  practically  without  a  penny.  To  re- 
solve was  to  act.  The  conquest  was  easy  and 
before  the  community  had  any  more  than  a 
suspicion  of  the  real  situation,  the  marriage 
knot  had  been  tied. 

To  have  a  real  home  of  her  own  after 
years  of  poverty  was  an  agreeable  change. 
But  there  was  a  fly  in  the  ointment.  Al- 
though an  adoring  husband,  Hosea  was  not 
only  vacant  minded,  but  very  economical. 
The  honeymoon,  while  a  rapturous  state  of 
affairs  to  Hosea,  became  very  insipid  to  his 
broadly  experienced  wife.  She  resolved  upon 
a  solution  that  would  both  rid  herself  of  a 
tiresomely  ardent  husband  and  give  her  pos- 
session of  his  property. 

She  thereupon  began  to  take  careful  note 
of  certain  eccentricities  frequently  revealed  by 
her  spouse.  With  the  data  thus  collected,  she 
succeeded  in  persuading  a  physician  that 
Hosea  was  in  urgent  need  of  mental  treat- 
ment and  secured  a  certificate  to  that  effect. 

[44] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

The  next  move  was  to  take  the  unsuspect- 
ing husband  on  a  little  tour.  Among  the  in- 
teresting towns  visited  was  one  in  which  was 
located  a  well-known  retreat  for  the  insane. 
The  gracious  bride  suggested  that  they  inspect 
the  asylum.  Shortly  thereafter  the  husband 
found  himself  deprived  of  both  wife  and 
liberty. 

News  of  this  astonishing  transaction  spread 
rapidly.  Indignation  developed  everywhere 
among  old  friends  and  neighbors.  They  said 
Hosea  was  foolish  enough  without  doubt  or 
he  would  never  have  married  the  widow,  but 
that  he  was  no  more  crazy  now  than  he  had 
always  been.  Application  was  made  for  a 
writ  of  habeas  corpus  and  within  a  very  few 
days  the  victim  was  set  at  liberty. 

This  rapid  change  in  the  order  of  events 
was  made  possible  by  the  fact  that  the  county 
court  was  in  session.  After  Hosea  had  ap- 
peared before  the  judge  he  received  quite  an 
ovation.  One  by  one  his  friends  congratulated 
him  on  having  not  only  escaped  from  a  nasty 
situation,  but  on  having  also  plenty  of  evi- 

[45] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

dence  on  which  to  base  the  divorce  suit 
which  was  to  follow. 

Hosea  expressed  his  gratitude  for  having 
such  vigilant  friends.  He  would  send  his 
wife  packing  in  record  time.  Well  pleased 
with  themselves,  the  self-sacrificing  neighbors 
returned  to  their  various  homes,  picturing  to 
each  other  the  discomfiture  of  the  widow,  but 
they  reckoned  without  their  host. 

A  few  days  later  the  news  was  handed 
about  that  Hosea  and  the  widow  had  "made 
up."  She  had  convinced  him  that  it  was  all 
a  mistake.  Love  had  conquered. 

To  consider  this  chapter  complete  at  this 
stage  would  be  to  leave  a  somewhat  painful 
impression  upon  the  reader.  This  is  as  un- 
necessary as  it  is  undesirable.  In  order  there- 
fore that  this  history  of  conjugal  vicissitudes 
be  made  to  reflect  in  greater  accuracy  that 
noble  institution  of  matrimony,  as  it  really  is 
in  so  many  happy  households,  let  us  speak  of 
the  experience  of  another  agriculturalist  known 
familiarly  to  his  associates  as  a  well  disposed, 
amiable  citizen  with  an  exceedingly  capable 
wife  and  promising  family. 

[46] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 


"Purty  Bur-r-ds" 

"Jim"  lived  on  very  harmonious  terms  with 
his  better  half,  but  he  had  one  bad  habit. 
When  he  had  occasion  to  visit  a  nearby  village 
for  supplies,  he  was  apt  to  linger  rather  late. 
Under  these  circumstances,  his  wife,  with  a 
proper  understanding  of  the  necessity  of  regu- 
larity in  farm  details,  would  milk  the  cows. 
It  is  not  of  course  to  be  expected  that  she 
did  this  very  willingly,  but  she  would  do  it 
if  the  occasion  seemed  to  require  it. 

Late  one  evening  in  autumn,  an  acquain- 
tance of  Jim's,  passing  by  his  establishment, 
was  surprised  to  see  Jim  driving  his  cows  in 
from  the  pasture,  same  being  presumptive  evi- 
dence that  they  had  not  been  milked.  As  he 
passed  the  gateway  he  met  Jim  face  to  face. 

"It  seems  to  me  you  are  pretty  late  get- 
ting in  your  cows,  Jim,"  was  the  remark. 

"Yes,"  said  Jim,  "it's  pretty  late.  I  have 
just  got  back  from  town." 

"Do  you  have  to  milk  'em  all  yourself?" 

"No,"  said  Jim,  "me  wife  can  milk  if  she's 
a  mind  to." 

[47] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

"What's  the  matter  tonight?"  was  the  nat- 
ural query. 

"Oh!  she's  mad  at  me  tonight,"  said  Jim, 
"she  says  she's  good  and  tired  of  doing  the 
milkin'  and  me  loafin'  'round  the  town." 

"Well,  Jim,"  said  the  traveler,  who  knew 
Mrs.  Jim  and  admired  her  spunk,  "when  the 
women  get  their  backs  up  we  have  to  do 
about  as  they  say." 

"It's  right  ye  are,"  said  Jim,  "they  know 
how  to  raise  the  divil  himself  when  they  feel 
that  way.  They  are  purty  bur-r-ds  but  they 
have  their  outs!" 


It  will  be  noted  by  the  reader  that  Jim 
accepted  the  inevitable  which  was  certainly 
the  proper  attitude.  Every  normal  husband 
appreciates  the  fact  that  the  advantages  of 
matrimony  greatly  outweigh  any  associated 
drawbacks.  In  fact  there  is  an  occasional 
husband  who  seems  to  appreciate  it  too  much, 
which  is  abundantly  illustrated  in  another 
legend  of  rural  New  England,  long  since  for- 
gotten by  most  of  the  local  inhabitants. 

[48] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 


"Seven  Wives  and  Seven  Prisons" 

A  young  woman  had  continued  to  linger  in 
the  parental  household  until  she  had  consider- 
ably passed  the  average  age  of  marriage. 
Somehow  the  young  men  of  her  acquaintance 
had  failed  to  appreciate  her.  Therefore  it 
was  all  the  more  gratifying  when  a  recent  ar- 
rival in  the  community,  a  man  of  ingratiat- 
ing appearance,  began  to  pay  her  marked  at- 
tentions. Her  romantic  impulses  which  had 
been  subdued  by  untoward  circumstances, 
could  now  be  given  full  sway.  Her  admirer 
was  impetuous  and  would  hear  of  no  delays, 
and  they  were  soon  married. 

The  historian  does  not  furnish  any  details 
of  the  honeymoon  nor  how  long  it  lasted,  but 
it  would  appear  that  the  bride,  although  of 
a  clinging  nature,  was  very  curious  as  to 
her  husband's  antecedents,  and  this,  unfor- 
tunately, was  the  weak  spot  in  his  armour. 
The  more  the  aforesaid  antecedents  were  in- 
vestigated, the  more  unattractive  they  proved 
to  be  and  within  a  very  short  time  the  bride 
indignantly  refused  to  have  any  further  deal- 
*  [49] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

ings  with  her  husband,  incidentally  starting  a 
line  of  inquiry  with  startling  results;  the  man 
was  apparently  a  bigamist. 

With  indefatigable  zeal,  the  bride  and  her 
disgusted  parents  continued  their  investiga- 
tions which  soon  resulted  in  the  bridegroom 
being  snugly  established  in  the  local  jail. 

Then  followed  a  remarkable  series  of  reve- 
lations. A  wife  was  discovered  at  about  every 
turn  in  the  crooked  path  of  the  prisoner,  who 
engaged  a  lawyer  and  resigned  himself  to  the 
inevitable. 

Some  months  were  to  elapse  before  a  regu- 
lar session  of  court  and  in  the  meantime  the 
bridegroom  found  time  hanging  heavily  on 
his  hands.  Apparently  the  game  was  up  and, 
with  the  inordinate  vanity  of  certain  criminal 
minds,  he  decided  to  write  an  autobiography. 
In  due  course  of  time  there  appeared  a  re- 
markable book,  entitled,  "Seven  Wives  and 
Seven  Prisons,"  which  created  a  sensation.  It 
also  aroused  much  local  feminine  indignation, 
because,  in  his  desire  to  "get  even"  with  his 
last  wife,  whom  he  regarded  as  responsible 
for  his  present  misfortunes,  the  bigamist  de- 

[50] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

clared  in  his  book  that  of  all  the  wives  he 
had  ever  had,  she  was  not  only  the  most  dis- 
agreeable, but  also  the  homeliest  and  the 
most  generally  unattractive. 

Apparently  masculine  depravity  could  go  no 
further. 

The  French-Canadian  Who  Wanted  a 
"War  for  the  Womens" 

Owing  to  the  frailties  of  poor  human 
nature,  it  often  happens  that  even  the  most 
docile  of  husbands  when  disciplined,  justifiably, 
of  course,  by  their  life  partners,  will  seem 
to  resent  it.  This  is  no  doubt  due  to  a  yet 
remaining  trace  of  that  philosophy  of  the 
stone  age  which  made  the  husband  regard 
his  wife  as  being  subject  to  correction  by  him- 
self. Of  course  with  most  enlightened  hus- 
bands this  quality,  if  it  exists,  is  merely 
atavistic. 

"Pete"  was  pretty  well  Americanized,  but 
under  stress  of  a  little  excitement  was  apt 
to  have  relapses  of  his  early  struggles  with 
his  verbs,  singulars  and  plurals,  etc.  He  was 
an  estimable  citizen  in  many  ways  and  fully 

[51] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

appreciated  by  his  wife,  a  buxom  lady  who 
could,  however,  show  a  terrorizing  sense  of 
indignation  on  occasions  when  "Pete"  had 
lingered  too  long  with  the  bottle. 

One  of  these  interviews  had  just  occurred 
and  his  wife's  disapproval  had  reached  a  new 
high  record.  A  neighbor  happened  along  just 
as  the  lecture  was  finished  and  "Pete"  amb- 
ling somewhat  uncertainly  and  disgustedly 
toward  his  barn  was  heard  muttering  to 
himself : 

"Ought  to  be  a  war  for  the  womens;  too 
many  womens;  kill  off  some  of  the  womens." 

But  Pete  was  always  glad  to  accept  the 
olive  branch  and  with  his  own  natural  good 
sense  and  the  loyal  regard  and  good  judg- 
ment of  his  wife  as  factors,  domestic  felicity 
was  always  restored  as  soon  as  the  sobering 
up  process  was  ended. 

Thus  it  appears  that  conjugal  life,  often 
looked  upon  with  great  skepticism  by  certain 
unmarried  people,  too  cautious  for  their  own 
good,  as  being  monotonous  in  the  extreme,  is 
very  frequently  much  the  reverse;  also  that, 
generally  speaking,  husbands,  especially  of  ad- 

[52] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

vanced  age,  will  agree  that  they  have  de- 
served most  of  the  wifely  discipline  they  have 
experienced  in  their  married  lives,  although 
they  may,  especially  if  in  a  certain  part  of 
New  England,  quote  to  prospective  husbands, 
from  the  old  time  song: 

"Ah !  young  man,  how  little  you  know, 

What  trials  do  from  wedlock  flow. 
You  have  a  few  days  and  nights  of  ease, 

And  then  you've  a  scolding  wife  to  please." 


[S3] 


CHAPTER  III 
LEGENDS  OF  THE  ECCENTRIC 

THE  unusual  mental  twist  which  frequently 
escapes  notice  in  the  crowded  city,  is  often 
the  center  of  interest  in  a  rural  neighborhood. 
Those  who  thus  excite  morbid  curiosity  in 
their  youth  are  indeed  unfortunate  and  often 
suffer  keenly  from  the  semi-ostracism  which 
sometimes  follows.  But  the  elderly  who  have 
developed  unusual  characteristics  seem  on  the 
contrary  to  rather  pride  themselves  upon  their 
peculiarities,  holding  the  view  of  the  ancient 
Quaker  who  is  reported  to  have  said  one  day 
to  his  wife:  "Everyone  is  queer  but  me  and 
thee;  and  thee  is  some  queer." 

Of  the  various  minor  misfortunes  to  which 

the   elderly   are    subject,    perhaps    deafness    is 

the  most   to  be  dreaded.     This   is   illustrated 

,in  the  case  of  the  elderly  country  merchant. 

"You  Don't  Have  to  Yell  at  Me" 

Mr.  H —  was  the  prosperous  owner  of  a 
general  store  and  had  about  everything  he 

[54] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

needed  except  normal  hearing.  He  was  deaf, 
unmistakably  deaf,  but  with  the  pathetic  ob- 
stinacy of  some  thus  afflicted,  he  would  not 
admit  it. 

Late  one  afternoon  a  well-known  citizen 
called  at  the  store  on  an  errand  for  his  wife. 
Others  were  waiting  as  the  following  trans- 
action was  pulled  off,  and  not  strange  to  say, 
seemed  to  find  it  rather  amusing. 

"I  want  a  half  pound  of  cream  tartar." 

The  storekeeper  seemed  unusually  impressed. 

"Freem  Parker,"  said  he.  "What's  hap- 
pened to  him?" 

Freeman  Parker  was  a  well  known  and 
popular  citizen  of  the  vicinity. 

"A  half  pound  of  cream  tartar,  I  said," 
the  customer  replied,  raising  his  voice. 

"Freem  Parker  is  dead,"  said  the  merchant. 

"Why,  when  did  it  happen?" 

"I  want  a  half  pound  of  CREAM  TAR- 
TAR," was  the  reply  in  a  very  loud  voice. 

"Oh!  you  want  cream  tartar,  do  you,"  said 
the  dealer  in  icy  tones. 

"You  don't  need  to  yell  at  me.  I'm  not 
deaf." 

[55] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

As  before  suggested,  it  is  good  policy  in  a 
rural  district  to  cultivate  reasonably  cordial 
relations  with  one's  neighbors.  Therefore  it 
was  probably  poor  tactics  for  a  certain  ex- 
asperated farmer  to  set  a  bear  trap  in  his 
corn  crib.  To  be  sure,  he  was  eminently 
successful,  finding  an  exceedingly  undesirable 
citizen  the  next  morning  securely  fastened  by 
one  hand  in  the  savage  jaws  of  the  trap. 
But  it  may  be  taken  for  granted  that  the 
farmer,  who  released  the  man  at  once,  must 
have  felt  easier  when  the  man  left  the  neigh- 
borhood which  it  is  hoped  he  soon  did.  An- 
other farm  owner  was  much  more  diplomatic. 


The  Story  of  the  Stolen  Bundle  of  Hay 

In  this  instance  there  was  an  exhibition  of 
forbearance  and  strategy  much  to  be  admired. 

Finding  the  barn  door  open  one  morning  in 
the  late  winter,  the  farmer  was  at  a  loss  to 
understand  how  the  fastenings  became  loosened. 
Further  inspection  showed  that  hay  had  been 
thrown  down  from  the  loft.  Still  further  ex- 
amination revealed  signs  that  hay  had  been 

[56] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

carried  away,  presumably  in  a  bundle  on 
somebody's  shoulders. 

A  couple  of  mornings  later  there  was  fur- 
ther evidence  of  the  same  petty  thieving.  The 
farmer  decided  to  watch  and  see  what  hap- 
pened. As  it  was  fairly  comfortable  sleeping 
on  the  hay  rolled  up  in  a  blanket,  the  adven- 
ture assumed  a  considerable  degree  of  en- 
tertainment. 

About  midnight  the  farmer  was  aroused  by 
someone  carefully  opening  the  barn  door.  It 
was  too  dark  to  identify  the  intruder  and  in 
fact  the  farmer  did  not  want  to  know  who 
of  his  nearby  acquaintances  could  stoop  to 
anything  so  contemptible. 

The  thief  had  a  long  rope  which  in  the 
dim  light  he  laid  upon  the  floor  of  the  barn. 
He  next  piled  on  as  much  hay  as  he  could 
well  carry  on  his  shoulders,  and  tying  it  up 
with  the  rope,  he  hastened  away. 

The  farmer  watched  the  man  crossing  the 
field.  Suddenly  an  idea  came  to  him;  he  did 
not  want  to  have  trouble  with  a  neighbor 
and  he  did  not  want  to  lose  any  more  hay. 
Following  at  a  little  distance  behind  the  thief, 

[57] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

his  footsteps  naturally  unheard  because  of  the 
rustle  of  the  hay,  the  farmer  struck  a  match 
and  held  it  up  to  the  bundle  for  an  instant 
and  then  dodged  behind  a  tree.  A  moment 
later  the  hay  burst  into  flames.  The  thief 
dropped  his  rope  and,  screaming  with  terror, 
rushed  from  sight.  It  was  evident  that  he 
regarded  the  fire  as  of  supernatural  origin. 
The  farmer  lost  no  more  hay. 

Another  farmer  met  a  similar  problem  in 
a  rather  different  manner.  He  was  not  over- 
burdened with  tender  solicitude  for  ne'er-  do- 
wells,  as  the  following  record  will  show. 

The  Raid  on  Jim  Green's  Pork  Barrel 

Jim  Green  was  the  sort  of  agriculturalist 
who  worked  hard  by  day  and  slept  hard  by 
night.  It  therefore  required  several  succes- 
sive attempts  one  very  early  morning  before 
his  more  wakeful  wife  succeeded  in  arousing 
him. 

"Wake  up!  wake  up!"  said  she,  in  a  loud 
whisper,  meanwhile  nudging  her  sleeping  hus- 
band vigorously. 

[58] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

"Why — why,  what's  the  matter?"  said  Jim. 

'There's  somebody  in  the  cellar,"  she  whis- 
pered, "I've  been  hearing  strange  noises  for 
several  minutes." 

Jim  was  now  wide  awake  and  hastily  slip- 
ping on  a  few  clothes,  he  made  his  way  to 
a  window  and  in  the  dim  light  soon  made  out 
the  figure  of  a  man  crouched  down  by  the 
cellar  window,  evidently  working  with  a  partner. 
Further  strain  of  the  eyes  revealed  a  pile  of 
what  Jim's  experienced  vision  showed  him  to 
be  salt  pork,  lying  on  the  ground  at  the 
man's  elbow.  Jim  tiptoed  to  a  side  door, 
opened  it  quietly  and  made  his  way  as  silently 
as  possible  to  where  the  man  was  kneeling. 
But  the  slight  rustle  of  his  clothing  or  the 
jar  of  his  footsteps  alarmed  the  watcher  at 
the  window  and,  glancing  over  his  shoulder, 
he  hastily  dodged  around  the  corner  of  the 
wood  shed. 

Jim  promptly  took  the  missing  man's  place 
by  the  cellar  window  and  awaited  develop- 
ments. Shortly  thereafter  a  man  in  the  cel- 
lar came  to  the  window  by  which  Jim  was 
crouching  and  passed  out  several  pieces  of 

[59] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

very  damp  salt  pork  which  Jim  received 
silently. 

"I've  got  all  there  is  in  the  barrel,"  he 
whispered,  "except  the  last  layer.  Probably 
we  better  leave  that  so  the  folks  here  won't 
be  entirely  out  of  pork." 

"No,"  Jim  whispered,  "pull  it  all  out;  what 
do  we  care  whether  they  have  any  pork  or 
not?" 

The  man  in  the  cellar  went  back  and,  plung- 
ing his  arm  deep  in  the  clammy  brine,  suc- 
ceeded in  digging  up  the  last  layer  of  pork 
which  he  brought  to  the  window,  passing  it 
up  to  the  owner  outside.  He  then  climbed 
out  of  the  cellar  window  himself,  where  he 
was  promptly  collared  by  Jim  and  identified 
as  a  shiftless  farm  laborer  of  the  neighbor- 
hood. He  was  soon  released,  however,  after 
he  had  revealed  the  name  of  his  partner, 
another  bird  of  similar  feather. 

Not  until  long  after  the  two  prowlers  had 
removed  from  the  neighborhood,  did  Jim  tell 
the  story.  Neighbors  then  remembered  that 
when  Jim  Green  needed  farm  help,  the  two 
pork  thieves  always  responded  promptly. 

[60] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

Comparatively  few  city  born  people  realize 
how  important  a  factor  the  weather  is  in 
the  daily  routine  of  the  farmer.  They  know 
that  a  long-continued  drought  causes  short 
crops  and  that  floods  sometimes  do  consider- 
able damage  in  certain  valleys.  Of  the  in- 
convenience caused  by  unwelcome  showers 
which  sometimes  become  epidemic  in  busy 
seasons,  they  have  no  knowledge.  In  a  cer- 
tain thriving  farming  section,  there  had  been 
a  series  of  sudden  thunder  showers  which 
had  been  very  discouraging  to  hay  makers. 

How  Lote  Platt  Beat  the  Thunder 
Shower 

"Lote"  Platt  had  grown  somewhat  iras- 
cible in  his  old  age  and  weather  eccentrici- 
ties had  gradually  become  a  personal  matter 
with  him.  When  unceremonious  thunder 
showers  had  soaked  a  certain  crop  of  clover 
hay  about  the  third  or  fourth  time,  Lote  be- 
gan to  feel  peevish.  However,  he  spread  the 
hay  out  to  dry  and  after  one  wet  surface 
had  responded  to  the  sun's  rays,  he  turned 
the  other  side  up  and  early  in  the  afternoon 

[61] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

found    the    clover    in    prime    order   to    go    in 
the  barn. 

He  hastened  to  rake  it  into  long  windrows 
and  was  just  preparing  to  send  his  hired 
man  after  the  oxen  and  cart  when  he  heard 
the  grumbling  of  thunder  and  felt  the  cool- 
ness of  the  rain  breeze.  Another  shower 
was  coming! 

The  hired  man  started  on  the  run  to  get 
the  oxen,  but  Lote  soon  realized  that  the 
shower,  and  apparently  a  very  wet  one  too, 
was  going  to  reach  the  hay  field  long  before 
the  oxen  could  be  gotten  there. 

"Boo-boo,"  said  Lote,  as  an  unusually 
loud  peal  of  thunder  made  the  air  vibrate. 
"I'll  show  you  something  you  never  thought  of." 

Lote  was  at  the  extreme  windward  side  of 
the  field  and  the  long  rows  of  freshly  raked 
hay  stretched  out  before  the  strong  breeze, 
the  forerunner  of  the  approaching  storm. 
Dropping  on  one  knee,  Lote  scratched  a 
match,  shielded  it  a  moment  with  his  old 
straw  hat  and  then  held  the  blaze  to  the  end 
of  the  windrow.  Fanned  by  the  wind,  the 
fire  followed  the  long  row  of  dry  hay  across 

[62] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

the  field.  Then  another  blaze  followed  by 
others  also,  and  when  the  shower  arrived, 
the  clover  which  had  cost  so  much  labor  to 
be  fitted  for  the  hay  mow,  had  ceased  to  be 
a  problem. 

When  the  proverbially  amiable  citizen  bursts 
forth  in  rage,  it  is  astonishing  to  those  who 
look  on,  and  apt  to  be  quite  disconcerting  to 
a  perfectly  innocent  victim.  It  certainly  was 
to  the  lumberjack  who  was  "bawled  out"  by 
Uncle  Jimmy  Ryan. 

The  Tale  of  the  Old-Fashioned  "Settle" 

A  logging  enterprise  was  under  way  back 
along  the  edge  of  the  mountain  and  Uncle 
Jimmy's  wife  was  induced  by  the  boss  to 
board  some  of  the  help.  A  newcomer  had 
joined  the  gang  and  was  informed  at  quit- 
ting time  that  arrangements  had  been  made 
for  him  to  join  the  others  at  Uncle  Jimmy's. 

The  new  recruit  made  his  way  with  a  half 
dozen  other  husky  workers  to  the  little  low 
roofed  farm  house  and  going  into  the  com- 
bined kitchen,  dining  and  living  room,  dropped 

[63] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE  LORE 

his  bag  in  a  corner,  tossing  his  overcoat  on 
one  end  of  what  seemed  to  be  a  large  chest 
along  the  wall  back  of  the  cooking  range. 

Uncle  Jimmy,  a  short  and  roly-poly  man 
of  sixty-five  or  so,  was  moving  blandly 
about,  speaking  to  one  and  then  another  of 
the  "guests,"  when  suddenly  his  eye  fell  on 
the  overcoat,  hanging  over  one  end  of  the 
chest.  Rushing  forward,  he  caught  the  coat 
and  turning  to  the  astonished  man  who 
owned  it,  proceeded  to  express  great  indig- 
nation, although  in  his  excitement  he  had 
lapsed  into  the  Irish  brogue  of  his  early 
days  so  that  what  he  said  was  unintelligible. 

Finally  the  wife  who  had  kept  serene  dur- 
ing her  husband's  tirade,  made  the  matter 
clear. 

The  "chest"  was  an  old-fashioned  "settle" 
with  an  adjustable  back.  It  contained  a 
mattress  and  at  about  five  o'clock  every  day 
Uncle  Jimmy's  mother  of  ninety  or  more 
went  to  bed  in  the  settle,  the  wooden  back 
of  which  was  shut  down,  closing  tightly.  A 
circular  opening  in  the  end,  near  the  old 
lady's  face,  provided  air  circulation. 

[64] 


THE   TONIC    OF    YANKEE  HUMOR 

The  lumberman  had  unknowingly  closed 
the  opening.  The  offender  apologized  and 
harmony  was  restored. 

There  is  no  place  like  the  farm  for  those 
unfortunates  whose  ability  to  perform  crude 
manual  labor  is  their  chief  asset.  The  farmer 
who  must  exercise  a  never  failing  forbear- 
ance in  the  management  of  horses  and  cattle 
often  extends  his  sympathetic  supervision  over 
the  mentally  defective  ones  who  can  be 
utilized  in  providing  the  necessary  hand  labor. 
Thus  it  came  about  that  one  of  those  grown 
up  children  had  found  a  comfortable  home 
at  Mr.  Hubbard's. 

The  Lost  Harrow  Teeth 

Thomas  was  socially  inclined  and  the  boys 
of  the  community  were  too  kindly  disposed 
to  exclude  him  from  their  company. 

The  owner  of  a  nearby  farm  had  been 
"seeding  down"  a  stumpy  addition  to  his 
pasture,  and  early  in  the  summer  some  boys, 
including  Thomas,  wandered  in  that  direction 
one  Sunday  afternoon,  discovering  a  small 
5  [65] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

wooden  harrow  with  iron  "teeth,"  which  had 
been  left  on  the  field  until  a  more  convenient 
season.  The  shrinking  of  the  wood  in  the 
summer  sun  had  loosened  these  teeth  and  a 
few  of  them  had  dropped  out.  Thus  it  came 
about  that  the  boys  were  afflicted  with  a 
wonderfully  funny  idea. 

A  few  mornings  later  Mr.  Perry,  the 
owner  of  the  harrow  and  incidentally  of  sev- 
eral farms  in  the  neighborhood,  had  occasion 
to  drive  up  to  Mr.  Hubbard's  place  on  busi- 
ness. It  was  but  a  short  distance  and  he 
could  easily  have  walked,  but  for  the  fact 
that  he  was  very  lame. 

Mr.  Hubbard  was  at  home,  and  receiving 
his  visitor  very  cordially,  they  entered  into 
an  earnest  conversation.  The  child  of  mis- 
fortune, Thomas,  came  around  the  corner 
of  an  outbuilding  and  seeing  the  two  men 
so  busily  occupied,  stopped  at  once.  He 
seemed  to  be  much  agitated. 

The  conversation  continued,  the  two  neigh- 
bors, however,  subconsciously  watching  the 
boy.  Suddenly  he  rushed  forward. 

[66] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

"You  old  lame  cuss!"  said  he,  addressing 
the  astonished  visitor. 

"You  old  lame  cuss!  I  don't  know  any- 
thing about  your  harrow  teeth."  He  then 
dodged  back  out  of  sight. 

The  two  men  looked  at  each  other  in 
amazement. 

"What  do  you  suppose  he  means?"  said 
Mr.  Perry. 

"I  don't  know,"  was  the  reply,  "but  I  in- 
tend to  find  out." 

"Here,  you,  Thomas!"  he  called,  "come 
back  here." 

The  boy  came  reluctantly  forward,  and 
after  some  questioning  revealed  that  the  boys 
in  their  holiday  spirit  of  mischief  had  con- 
cealed the  loose  harrow  teeth  in  a  hollow 
stump  near  where  the  harrow  lay  as  a  joke 
on  the  Perry  boys — a  trifling  matter  in  itself 
but  which  had  assumed  great  and  terrifying 
importance  to  poor  unfortunate  Thomas. 

To  speak  of  the  childish  wrath  of  the  aged 
is  misleading  in  its  suggestiveness.  More 
properly  we  should  refer  to  the  childish  wrath 

[67] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

of  the  old  man;  for  it  is  an  undeniable  fact 
that  elderly  women  exhibit  much  greater 
patience  with  the  inevitable  annoyances  of  life 
than  old  men  do. 

A  popular  cartoonist  has  frequently  ex- 
hibited these  sudden  tactics  of  impotent  wrath 
in  a  very  amusing  way.  But  his  imagination 
never  has  suggested  anything  more  violent  in 
its  explosiveness  than  Uncle  Reuben's  rage  at 
a  balky  "salt  shake." 

The  Story  of  the  Salt  Shake 

Uncle  Reuben  and  his  more  amiable  wife 
were  visiting  with  relatives.  His  hostess  was 
one  of  the  New  England  type  who  never  could 
do  enough  for  her  guests. 

Uncle  Reuben  who  was  quite  advanced  in 
years  and  whose  habitual  irritability  had  pro- 
portionally increased,  was  feeling  unusually 
peevish  this  morning.  It  was  midsummer  and 
exceedingly  warm  and  humid. 

The  contents  of  the  glass  salt  shake  allotted 
to  this  peevish  old  gentleman  had  become,  like 
everything  else,  affected  by  the  prevailing 
humidity.  The  most  vigorous  shaking  failed 

[68] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

to  produce  any  results.  After  repeated  at- 
tempts, Uncle  Reuben  paused  and  quietly  ex- 
amined the  salt  shake  which  he  held  in  his 
hand.  His  amiable  wife,  knowing  his  charac- 
teristics, looked  anxious.  His  kindly  hostess, 
also  well  acquainted  with  the  aforesaid  char- 
acteristics, looked  deeply  concerned. 

Finally  Uncle  Reuben  spoke  in  those  tones 
of  forced  calmness  which  are  usually  asso- 
ciated with  some  great  crisis. 

"Pauline,"  said  he,  "I  wish  to  buy  this  salt 
shake." 

"Oh,  I  wouldn't  sell  it,"  replied  his  hostess, 
"you  may  have  it,  and  welcome." 

"No,  I  want  to  buy  it!"  said  Uncle  Reuben 
in  dramatic  tones. 

"I  want  to  buy  it.  I  want  to  take  it  out 
to  the  stone  pile  and  grind  it  to  powder." 

"Better  Give  Them  to  Some  Poor  Boy" 

Just  because  a  man  has  to  be  supported  as 
a  public  charge  by  the  town  he  lives  in,  is  no 
reason  why  he  should  not  have  some  definite 
ideas  about  correct  dress. 

[69] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

"Uncle  Timmy"  may  have  seen  better  days, 
but  it  was  so  far  back  in  his  history  that 
no  one  remembered  anything  about  it.  He 
was  supplied  with  board  in  a  private  family 
at  the  town's  expense,  the  poor  master  inci- 
dentally providing  two  other  urgent  necessi- 
ties, viz.,  wearing  apparel  and  chewing  tobacco, 
the  latter  being  purchased  in  quantity  and 
"doled  out"  to  Uncle  Timmy  little  at  a  time, 
as  otherwise  the  expense  of  this  luxury  would 
have  reached  a  very  large  item  in  the  course 
of  a  year. 

About  once  in  so  often  Uncle  Timmy  would 
happen  around  to  see  the  poor  master  to 
talk  things  over.  He  was  very  sociable  indeed 
and  would  go  into  all  the  details  as  to  the 
menu  at  his  boarding  place,  which  was  very 
seldom  satisfactory. 

One  day  Uncle  Timmy  appeared,  and  after 
he  had  given  a  report  of  how  he  was  enjoy- 
ing his  present  boarding  place,  it  occurred  to 
the  poor  master  that  a  certain  pair  of  mis- 
fit shoes,  which  were  of  no  special  value  to 
anyone,  might  be  utilized  by  this  long-time 
guest  of  the  community.  So  be  brought  out 

[70] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

the  shoes  and  suggested  that  Uncle  Timmy 
take  them  home  with  him. 

The  old  man  turned  the  shoes  over  and 
over  and  examined  them  carefully.  When  it 
was  suggested  that  he  try  them  on,  as  ap- 
parently they  would  fit  him,  he  shook  his 
head. 

"No,"  said  he.  "I  guess  I  won't  take  them. 
You  better  give  them  to  some  poor  boy." 

There  is  no  doubt  that  Uncle  Timmy  was 
naturally  an  aristocrat. 


CHAPTER  IV 

FAMILY  CHARACTERISTICS  AND  SMALL 
TOWN  LIFE 

THOSE  sections  of  rural  New  England  which 
have  possessed  natural  advantages  sufficient  to 
restrain  the  young  people  from  their  common 
propensity  to  emigrate  to  the  cities  or  to  the 
western  states,  are  rich  in  family  legends 
which  show  that  frequent  persistence  of  fam- 
ily traits  which  is  exceptionally  pronounced  in 
the  six  little  states  of  the  northeast. 

A  well-known  family  had  occupied  a  promi- 
nent position  in  a  certain  New  England  town 
for  several  generations.  During  all  this  period 
certain  pronounced  characteristics  had  afforded 
amusement  to  the  people  of  the  community, 
especially  those  of  the  father  and  daughter 
whose  mental  processes  are  illustrated  by  the 
following  narratives. 

The  Young  Man  Who  Had  "Speerit" 

The  father  had  reached  quite  an  advanced 
age,  and  although  very  amiable,  had  become 

[72] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

exceedingly  economical.  There  were  people 
who  would  have  said  he  was  stingy — a  com- 
mon enough  accusation  against  the  aged.  Be- 
sides his  commodious  house  in  town,  he  had 
a  small  farm  and  every  spring  he  looked 
about  and  engaged  some  young  man  to  under- 
take the  double  role  of  handy  man  around  the 
house  and  farm  laborer.  The  boy  who  took 
that  job  could  be  always  sure  of  steady  occu- 
pation; he  was  expected  to  rise  early  and 
work  late. 

One  spring  the  old  gentleman  succeeded  in 
securing  a  perfect  treasure.  A  boy  of  eighteen 
years  or  thereabouts  was  engaged  from  a  dis- 
tant farm  and  came  to  town  prepared  to  en- 
joy, what  was  to  him,  metropolitan  life.  A 
naturally  willing  worker,  he  soon  found  that 
there  was  little  opportunity  for  recreation,  at 
least  during  the  daylight  hours.  In  time  he 
gradually  made  acquaintances  who  soon  con- 
firmed his  own  opinion  that  he  was  being 
imposed  upon.  He  was  still  in  awe  of  his 
employer,  however,  but  finally  an  occasion  de- 
veloped when  he  could  restrain  himself  no 
longer.  On  a  very  hot  evening,  after  a  hard 

[73] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

day  on  the  farm,  he  was  directed  to  go  into 
the  wood  shed  and  saw  up  some  very  dry 
fire  wood  of  various  uneven  lengths.  This 
was  too  much,  and  with  a  fluency  which  ab- 
solutely astonished  both  himself  and  listener, 
he  proceeded  to  tell  his  employer  just  what 
he  thought  of  his  stinginess.  For  several 
minutes  the  old  man  stood  perfectly  amazed, 
the  boy  meantime  hastening  to  his  room, 
where  he  put  on  his  best  clothes  and  went  up 
town.  He  naturally  expected  to  be  discharged, 
but  such  was  not  the  case.  After  thinking 
the  matter  over  a  few  minutes,  the  old  man 
began  to  chuckle  to  himself,  after  which  he 
shuffled  off  up  the  street,  telling  one  citizen 
after  another  of  his  recent  extraordinary 
experience. 

"I  like  that  boy,"  said  he.    "He  has  speerit." 

The  Lady  Who  Secured  a  Wardrobe 

This  old  gentleman  had  a  wife  who  was  in 
delicate  health  and  a  middle-aged  daughter 
who  was  not  delicate.  She  was  a  very 
capable  housekeeper  and  as  a  rule  not  socially 
inclined.  She  stayed  at  home  month  after 

[74] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

month,  year  after  year  and  finally  her  mar- 
ried sister  and  sister-in-law,  neither  of  whom 
were  reluctant  to  point  out  the  path  of  duty 
to  their  amiable  parent,  insisted  that  it  was 
only  right  that  "Sally"  should  have  a  vaca- 
tion. They  pictured  out  the  need  of  change 
of  scene,  incidentally  laying  particular  stress 
upon  the  even  greater  need  of  a  replenished 
wardrobe.  The  old  gentleman  was  very  re- 
luctant to  yield  to  their  persuasions,  especially 
in  the  matter  of  the  appropriation  for  clothes. 
It  gave  him  a  pang  to  pass  over  the  money 
necessary  for  the  outfit,  but  under  such  effec- 
tive concurrent  pressure,  the  outcome  can  easily 
be  imagined.  He  finally  resigned  himself  to 
the  inevitable,  wrote  a  handsome  check  and 
costumers  were  put  to  work. 

While  these  numerous  family  discussions 
were  going  on,  "Sally"  had  seemed  to  show 
but  a  languid  interest.  This  was  attributed 
by  her  sisters  to  the  fact  that  she  had  stayed 
at  home  so  long  that  she  didn't  want  to  go 
anywhere  else.  In  the  light  of  subsequent 
events  it  would  appear  that  their  diagnosis 
was  correct. 

[75] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

After  the  first  pangs  of  separation  from  the 
cash,  the  father  began  to  take  an  extraordi- 
nary interest  in  the  outfitting  process.  He 
passed  his  judgment  on  the  different  fabrics, 
the  styles  into  which  they  were  to  be  made 
up  and  seemed  to  be  looking  forward  with 
anticipation  to  the  time  when  "Sally"  would 
start  out  on  her  vacation  trip  with  a  ward- 
robe equal  to  that  of  any  woman  who  had 
left  that  town  in  a  long  time. 

Finally  the  outfit  of  new  dresses,  coats, 
hats,  and  other  essential  articles  was  complete 
and  the  day  was  set  when  the  vacation  should 
begin. 

According  to  the  plans,  Sally  was  to  go  to 
New  York  to  meet  a  family  friend,  visiting 
other  points  of  interest  as  her  impulses  might 
suggest.  The  day  of  departure  arrived,  and 
Sally's  father  was  alive  to  the  situation.  A 
maid  had  been  secured  for  a  certain  limited 
engagement  and  she  was  called  early  and  told 
to  prepare  breakfast.  The  old  man  knocked 
vigorously  on  Sally's  door  to  make  sure  that 
she  didn't  oversleep.  Breakfast  was  ready 
and  Sally  did  not  appear.  Her  father  began 

[76] 


THE    TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

to  be  anxious  lest  she  miss  the  train.  He 
sent  the  maid  up  to  knock  at  the  door,  who 
returned  saying  that  Sally  had  answered,  "All 
right."  Still  she  did  not  appear  and  it  be- 
gan to  be  certain  that  if  she  went  that  day 
she  would  have  to  go  on  a  later  train.  Her 
father  was  indignant  at  her  unwarranted  in- 
dolence. He  went  up  stairs  and  pounded  once 
more  on  Sally's  door,  which  she  opened,  clad 
in  her  usual  kitchen  apparel.  The  old  man 
demanded  an  explanation  which  was  promptly 
forthcoming. 

"I  didn't  have  the  slightest  intention  of 
going  to  New  York  any  of  the  time,  but  I 
knew  that  the  only  way  I  could  ever  get  you 
to  furnish  me  with  any  decent  clothes,  was 
to  pretend  I  was  going.  Now  I  have  the 
clothes  and  I  am  glad  to  have  them,  and  I 
am  going  to  stay  at  home  and  you  can  pay 
up  that  maid  and  let  her  go  about  her 
business." 

It  must  be  regretfully  stated  that  no  record 
has  been  preserved  of  what  Sally's  feminine 
relatives  had  to  say  to  her. 

[77] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

In  certain  social  circles  astonishing  heraldic 
pedigrees  make  their  appearance,  heretofore 
all  unsuspected  by  the  average  list  of  ac- 
quaintances, but  there  can  be  no  camouflage 
about  family  pedigrees  in  a  strictly  rural 
neighborhood.  An  eminent  financier  in  a 
New  England  town  had  a  relative  who  did 
not  add  any  prestige  to  the  family  escutcheon. 
Having  little  inclination  to  work  and  a  very 
moderate  earning  power  even  when  he  did 
work,  a  small  annuity  which  he  received  was 
greatly  appreciated  by  this  scion  of  a  lofty 
family.  For  a  short  time  after  his  quarterly 
allowance  arrived,  "Lafe"  lived  in  luxury. 

The  Story  of   "Lafe"  and  the  Livery 
Stable  Man 

A  widely  known  hotel  man  of  the  com- 
munity had  as  a  side  interest,  a  small  but  well 
equipped  livery  stable,  which  in  the  days  be- 
fore the  automobile,  was  a  handy  source  of 
income.  On  a  certain  sultry  summer  day 
who  should  ramble  into  the  livery  stable  but 
Lafe.  The  owner  happened  to  be  at  the  office 
and  Lafe  negotiated  with  him  for  the  use  of 

[78] 


THE   TONIC    OF    YANKEE  HUMOR 

a  horse  and  buggy,  for  a  couple  of  hours. 
Knowing  his  man,  the  proprietor  suggested 
that  he  had  better  pay  in  advance,  as  he  himself 
might  not  be  there  when  Lafe  returned. 
This  was  but  an  agreeable  detail  to  the  man 
who  was  just  then  in  funds  and  he  passed 
out  the  money  without  any  hesitation  what- 
ever, after  which  he  took  his  seat  in  the 
buggy  which  had  been  run  out  of  the  barn 
preparatory  to  harnessing  the  horse  to  it. 

As  stated  before,  it  was  sultry  and  Lafe 
was  not  only  oppressed  by  the  heat,  but  also 
by  several  drinks  he  had  enjoyed  shortly  before. 
He  fell  asleep.  Therefore,  when  the  horse 
was  led  out,  it  was  decided  that  he  better  be 
led  back  into  the  barn  again  for  a  time  and 
await  developments.  Lafe  slumbered  on,  fin- 
ally arousing  himself  just  about  the  time 
when  the  two  hours  were  up  that  he  had 
contracted  for.  The  livery  stable  man  was 
not  a  trickster,  but  he  greatly  enjoyed  a  joke. 
He  informed  Lafe  that  he  had  had  his  ride 
so  far  as  he  was  concerned,  having  occupied 
the  buggy  and  having  been  in  a  position  to 
use  the  horse,  if  he  so  desired.  Lafe  saw 

[79] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  joke,  and  being  a  good  loser  he  promptly 
went  away  with  a  broad  grin  on  his  face, 
resolving  to  "get  even."  The  livery  stable 
man  industriously  spread  the  story  which 
came  to  Lafe's  ears  quite  frequently. 

Some  months  afterwards  the  stable  owner 
happened  to  be  about  sixty  miles  away  taking 
a  train  for  home  and  behold  there  was  Lafe, 
also  taking  the  train.  The  memory  of  that 
unenjoyed  but  paid  for  ride  was  still  linger- 
ing in  Lafe's  mind,  so  he  asked  the  practical 
joker  if  he  would  not  advance  the  money  to 
pay  his  railroad  fare. 

"Why  should  you  pay  any  railroad  fares, 
when  your  cousin  is  a  big  owner  in  the  rail- 
road?" was  the  reply.  "You  just  tell  the 
conductor  who  you  are  and  he  will  pass  you 
without  any  ticket." 

"Will  you  back  me  up,  if  I  do  tell  him?" 
asked  Lafe. 

"Certainly,"  was  the  answer.  "That  will 
be  all  right." 

Whereupon  Lafe  took  his  seat  in  the  front 
end  of  the  day  coach,  the  livery  stable  man 
being  seated  with  a  friend  in  the  back  part 

[80] 


A  SHADY  DRIVE  "DOWN   EAST" 


THE   TONIC    OF    YANKEE  HUMOR 

of  the  same  car.  Enter  the  conductor.  He 
approached  Lafe,  demanding  a  ticket.  Then 
followed  a  brief  but  animated  conversation 
as  a  result  of  which  Lafe  turned  and  made 
a  signal  to  the  man  in  the  rear  of  the  car, 
who  promptly  nodded  his  head.  The  con- 
ductor therefore  proceeded  about  his  duties, 
collecting  fares  from  various  passengers,  until 
he  approached  the  livery  man,  who,  stating 
his  destination,  handed  him  a  mileage  book. 
The  conductor  took  the  book  and  promptly 
detached  two  fares  instead  of  one.  When  the 
owner  of  the  mileage  book  asked  the  reason, 
he  was  informed  by  the  conductor  that  he 
had  been  told  by  the  man  down  in  front  that 
he  would  get  his  fare  at  the  other  end  of 
the  car  and  that  he  had  confirmed  the 
arrangement. 

It  may  be  taken  for  granted  that  among 
the  habitues  of  the  hotel  and  livery  stable, 
the  foregoing  transactions  were  fully  appre- 
ciated. Lafe  was  temporarily  a  hero,  and  no 
one  enjoyed  the  joke  better  than  the  livery 
man  did. 

While  it  was  regarded  absolutely  essential 
in  small  town  life  to  be  able,  in  New  Eng- 

6  [81] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

land  phrase,  to  "take  a  joke/'  there  was  of 
course  a  reasonable  limit.  A  joke  ceases  to 
be  a  joke  when  there  is  any  evidence  of  ill 
nature  or  maliciousness  back  of  it.  Just  where 
the  dividing  line  comes  in  of  course  varies 
with  the  circumstances. 


In  a  certain  rural  town  there  was  a  young 
man  whose  tendency  to  slow  wit  was  counter- 
balanced by  a  very  amiable  disposition.  It  is 
not  surprising  therefore  that  there  should  have 
been  those  who  were  inclined  to  take  advan- 
tage and  subject  him  to  ridicule.  This  was 
less  annoying  to  the  victim  of  these  jokes 
than  to  some  of  his  friends. 

The  Man  Who  Wanted  to  Fight  a 
Year  Afterward 

One  election  day,  in  early  September,  the 
amiable  young  man  in  question,  after  deposit- 
ing his  ballot  and  going  down  the  stairs  from 
the  hall  where  the  election  was  held,  was  in- 
tercepted by  some  local  clown  who,  taking 
him  entirely  off  his  guard,  kicked  him  down 
the  last  few  steps  of  the  stairway  to  the  floor 

[82] 


THE   TONIC   OF    YANKEE  HUMOR 

below,  where  he  landed  in  a  very  undignified 
attitude.  With  unruffled  amiability  the  victim 
of  horse  play  scrambled  to  his  feet,  brushed 
the  dust  from  his  clothes,  and  joined  heartily 
in  the  empty  laughter  of  the  onlookers. 

His  close  friends  had  not  happened  to  witness 
this  episode,  but  heard  of  it  before  leaving 
the  hall.  On  their  way  home  they  expressed 
themselves  very  indignantly  and  asked  the 
amiable  victim  why  he  submitted  to  such 
abuse,  assuring  him  that  he  could  easily  make 
short  work  of  the  other  man  and  there  was 
no  reason  why  he  should  put  up  with  any 
such  treatment.  This  put  the  matter  in  an 
entirely  new  light  to  the  man  who  had  shown 
such  remarkable  good  nature  a  short  time 
before.  He  thought  deeply  and  said  nothing. 

The  year  rolled  around  and  another  Septem- 
ber found  the  same  assemblage  at  the  town 
hall  for  the  election.  Everyone  had  forgotten 
the  stairway  incident  of  the  year  before,  with 
one  exception,  and  that  was  the  victim.  To 
the  absolute  amazement  of  all  present,  he 
hunted  up  his  astonished  antagonist  of  the 
year  before  and  it  required  the  combined 

[83] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

efforts  of  all  the  young  man's  friends  to  keep 
him  from  committing  serious  assault  on  the 
joker.  He  was  restrained  with  some  difficulty 
and  taken  to  one  side  of  the  hall  where  his 
friends  proceeded  to  explain  to  him  that  his 
grievance  was  now  outlawed. 

The  trademark  has  become  no  small  factor 
in  modern  business.  Its  imitation  by  rival 
firms  is  not  only  frowned  upon  as  a  breach 
of  ethics,  but  in  most  civilized  or  even  semi- 
civilized  countries,  it  is  illegal. 

A  Rural  "Trademark" 

There  was  one  such  violation,  however, 
many  years  ago  in  a  small  town,  none  of  whose 
inhabitants  perhaps  had  ever  before  heard  of 
such  a  thing  as  a  "trademark"  in  its  modern 
meaning. 

One  of  the  chief  sources  of  income  to 
farmers  in  that  section  was  butter-making. 
At  that  time  all  butter  was  put  down  in 
wooden  tubs,  which  were  mostly  hand  made. 
An  old  growth  spruce  tree  of  good  size  and 
of  a  certain  grain  would  be  sawed  into  right 

[84] 


THE   TONIC   OF    YANKEE  HUMOR 

lengths.  These  would  be  split  with  great  care 
into  staves.  These  in  turn  would  be  shaved 
down  as  smoothly  as  possible,  enclosed  in  ash 
hoops  and  fitted  out  with  a  cover,  the  rim  of 
which  was  likewise  an  ash  hoop. 

An  old  man  who  had  become  quite  skillful 
in  manufacturing  these  butter  packages,  finally 
acquired  such  pride  in  his  work  that  upon 
finishing  each  tub  he  would  take  a  soft  lead 
pencil  and  write  his  initials  in  large  flourish- 
ing characters.  As  he  was  practically  illiter- 
ate, his  monogram  was  all  the  more  amusing 
to  others. 

These  packages  were  not  only  supplied  to 
certain  farmers,  but  were  furnished  to  a 
nearby  country  store  to  be  carried  in  stock. 
There  were  other  builders  of  hand-made  but- 
ter tubs  who  were  not  so  careful  about  the 
finish  of  their  articles. 

One  evening  this  creator  of  artistic  butter 
tubs  meandered  to  the  village  store.  A  wag- 
gish individual  who  saw  him  there  and  en- 
joyed his  self-satisfied  and  expansive  manner 
in  the  store,  had  one  of  those  bright  ideas 
which  so  frequently  afflict  humanity.  In  the 

[85] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

back  room  of  the  store  there  were  some  but- 
ter packages  manufactured  by  a  rival  of  the 
artist  before  mentioned.  These  tubs  were  a 
little  more  uncouth  in  their  getup  than  usual. 
The  maker  of  this  brand  of  packages  had  the 
excellent  taste  not  to  identify  himself  with  his 
completed  product  by  any  monogram.  Select- 
ing one  of  the  roughest  looking  of  these 
packages,  the  joker  borrowed  a  pencil  and 
soon  produced  a  crude  imitation  of  the  well 
known  initials.  He  then  walked  into  the 
inner  store,  handed  the  butter  tub  to  the  rival 
manufacturer  and  asked  him  how  he  ever  had 
the  face  to  put  out  such  coarse  looking  work 
as  that.  The  artist  indignantly  denying  any 
responsibility  for  the  tub,  or  even  knowledge 
thereof,  his  attention  was  immediately  called 
to  the  trademark  on  the  bottom. 

This  was  the  last  straw  and  the  creator  of 
masterpieces  in  the  butter-tub  making  art. 
nearly  produced  a  riot.  He  accused  the  store- 
keeper of  connivance  and  a  gross  fraud  on 
the  community  and  threatened  dire  proceed- 
ings in  other  directions.  The  disgusted  pro- 
prietor of  the  store  finally  succeeded  in  ex- 

[86] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

plaining  the  matter.  The  perpetrator  of  the 
joke  slipped  out  of  the  store  by  the  back  way 
and  eventually  the  rumblings  of  wrath  and 
outraged  culture  subsided. 

It  has  been  before  stated  that  the  satisfac- 
tion of  living  on  fairly  amicable  terms  with 
one's  neighbors  in  a  farming  region  tends  to 
develop  not  only  much  forbearance  but  diplo- 
macy as  well.  This  was  illustrated  in  a  cer- 
tain case  where  the  bone  of  contention  was  a 
line  fence. 

An  Early  Example  of  Camouflage 

A  certain  man  who  lived  on  a  small  farm 
had  a  perfect  mania  for  lawsuits.  This  was 
not  so  uncommon  in  earlier  days,  as  it  was 
rather  in  the  line  of  policy  of  certain  petti- 
fogging lawyers  to  encourage  litigation. 

Between  his  farm  and  the  adjoining  one 
there  was  a  division  fence  which  seemed  to 
be  always  falling  to  pieces.  The  man  who 
lived  on  this  adjoining  farm  suspected  that 
the  cattle  were  not  altogether  to  blame  for 
the  frequent  breaches  in  the  fence.  The  cattle 

[87] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

continued  to  come  over  onto  his  land  and 
he  finally  decided  to  devote  one  whole  day, 
if  necessary,  to  watchful  waiting.  He  there- 
fore established  himself  in  a  clump  of  bushes 
where  he  had  a  pretty  good  view  of  quite  a 
stretch  of  the  fence,  and  not  very  long  after- 
wards he  saw  the  half  grown  son  of  the 
belligerent  neighbor  approach  the  division  line 
and  loosen  some  of  the  rails  to  such  an  extent 
that  it  would  be  an  easy  matter  for  the  cattle 
to  get  across. 

The  man  on  guard  was  puzzled  for  a 
moment  just  what  to  do,  but  realized  the  im- 
portance of  avoiding  hostilities  with  his  neigh- 
bor, if  it  were  possible.  Finally  he  had  an 
inspiration. 

The  boy  who  had  done  the  mischief  was 
well  known  in  the  neighborhood  as  somewhat 
defective  mentally.  Hastily  removing  his  old 
coat,  which  had  a  very  dilapidated  lining,  the 
resourceful  observer  turned  it  inside  out  and 
again  put  it  on,  dragging  his  old  felt  hat  down 
over  his  eyes.  Next  he  rubbed  a  handful  of 
black  dirt  over  his  face,  after  which  with 
blood  curdling;  yells,  he  started  down  the  hills 

[88] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

toward  the  boy.  One  glimpse  was  enough 
for  the  youngster  who  fled  to  the  house  panic 
stricken.  A  little  later  on  the  diplomatist,  re- 
suming his  normal  appearance,  apparently 
happened  along  in  a  leisurely  way,  repaired 
the  fence  and  went  home. 

By  a  perhaps  not  unexplainable  coincidence, 
the  cattle  remained  on  their  own  side  of  the 
fence  thereafter. 

"Noah  Built  the  Ark" 

In  another  locality  there  were  four  brothers 
whose  personal  traits  were  so  markedly  in- 
dividual as  to  make  the  family  stand  out  some- 
what prominently  in  the  community.  All  these 
amiable  peculiarities  were  of  course  thoroughly 
understood  by  the  local  inhabitants.  First  one 
of  the  brothers  and  then  another  would  figure 
in  some  transaction  in  a  way  to  bring  out  the 
same  family  characteristic. 

The  oldest  one  of  the  four  brothers  bore  the 
biblical  name  of  Noah,  and  was  a  carpenter. 
Another  brother  often  assisted  him  at  the  same 
trade.  Still  another  brother  was  a  farmer, 
while  the  fourth  had  no  settled  occupation. 

[89] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

These  amusing  details  of  the  various  activi- 
ties of  these  brothers  finally  inspired  a  local 
humorist  to  sum  up  the  doings  of  the  four  in 
the  following  luminous  example  of  rural  verse: 

"Noah  built  the  Ark, 

Seth  laid  the  floor, 
Jim  drove  the  geese  in, 

And  Tom  shut  the  door." 


[90] 


THE  YANKEE  TRADING  INSTINCT  AND 
SOME  AMUSING  EXAMPLES 

IN  the  ordinary  processes  of  trade  the  Yankee 
is  a  firm  believer  in  the  old  Roman  Law  of 
"caveat  emptor"  or  "let  the  buyer  beware." 
While  there  may  be  occasional  instances  of 
neighborhood  disapproval  where  this  principle 
has  been  worked  out  to  the  discomfiture  of  the 
too  confiding,  in  general  it  is  held  in  respect  as 
the  only  basis  for  sound  business.  That  there 
can  be  a  new  dispensation  whereby  business  can 
be  carried  on  safely  on  the  basis  of  a  tender 
altruistic  regard  for  the  financial  safeguarding 
of  those  who  lack  the  ability  to  think  for  them- 
selves, and  thus  produce  that  Utopia  which  cer- 
tain enthusiasts  would  seem  to  regard  as  pos- 
sible, has  yet  to  be  demonstrated. 

The  Story  of  the  Eccentric  Cow 

There  was  a  man  who  wished  to  buy  a  cow. 
There  was  another  man  who  had  cows  to  sell. 
When  the  prospective  buyer,  known  locally  as 

[91] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

"Ed,"  looked  over  the  herd  of  the  seller,  his 
eye  rested  upon  a  certain  cow  which  the  latter 
was  especially  anxious  to  dispose  of.  He  had 
indicated  what  he  would  take  for  several  other 
cows,  but  had  carefully  refrained  from  making 
any  reference  to  the  particular  cow.  Noting 
this  omission,  the  buyer  gave  the  animal  in 
question  very  special  attention  and  asked  the 
price.  He  was  told  that  this  cow  was  not  for 
sale  as  she  belonged  to  "Hannah,"  his  wife. 
Ed  immediately  became  convinced  that  Hannah's 
cow  must  be  a  very  superior  animal  and  lost 
all  interest  in  the  other  quotations.  However, 
he  made  very  little  headway  at  first,  but  finally 
the  owner  said  he  would  go  in  and  talk  with 
his  wife  and  see  if  she  would  consent  to  sell 
her  cow.  He  went  in  the  house  and  was  gone 
quite  some  time,  but  finally  appeared  and  said 
that  his  wife  had  consented  to  let  the  cow  go, 
although  it  was  apparent  from  his  tone  that 
she  was  very  reluctant  to  part  with  it.  The 
trade  was  soon  made  and  Ed  drove  the  cow 
home  in  triumph. 

Shortly  after  the  animal  was  established  in 
her  new  home  it  was  time  to  do  the  milking, 

[92] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

and  the  proud  owner  proceeded  to  begin  the 
operation.  He  soon  found  that  the  cow  was 
quite  reluctant  to  be  milked  and  when  she  had 
kicked  the  milk  pail  across  the  stable  two  or 
three  times,  he  called  on  his  hired  man  for  help. 
Together  they  attempted  to  mollify  the  frac- 
tious animal  but  the  results  were  far  from 
satisfactory. 

The  next  morning  the  same  comedy  was  en- 
acted and  Ed  became  quite  pessimistic.  He 
decided  that  it  was  sort  of  a  mean  trick  for  a 
neighbor  to  wheedle  a  woman  into  giving  up 
her  favorite  cow  and  he  drove  to  the  farm  of 
the  original  owner  and  told  him  so.  He  care- 
fully refrained  from  making  any  reference  to 
the  eccentricities  shown  by  the  cow,  believing 
that  by  a  master  stroke  of  diplomacy  in  show- 
ing such  consideration  for  the  other  man's 
wife,  he  might  negotiate  an  exchange.  The 
former  owner  listened  to  his  remarks  and  again 
said  that  he  would  talk  the  matter  over  with 
his  wife.  Ed  waited  .anxiously  for  the  result. 
After  an  interval  of  ten  or  fifteen  minutes  the 
devoted  husband  once  more  made  his  appear- 
ance and  informed  Ed  that  Hannah  had  "got 

[93] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 


over  feeling  bad"  and  decided  she  would  not 
be  selfish  in  the  matter. 

The  new  owner  of  the  temperamental  cow 
greatly  regretted  his  haste  in  concluding  the 
bargain  before  he  had  inquired  more  definitely 
as  to  the  cow's  disposition.  But,  realizing  that 
a  trade  was  a  trade,  he  made  the  best  of  the 
matter  and  no  doubt  derived  enough  amuse- 
ment by  telling  the  incident  to  his  nmerous  ac- 
quaintances to  offset  his  financial  loss.  Had  he 
asked  the  original  owner  the  plain  question  if 
the  cow  objected  to  being  milked,  he  would 
have  been  told  the  facts  without  doubt.  But, 
noticing  his  eagerness  to  buy,  irrespective  of  all 
ordinary  rules  of  prudence,  the  original  owner 
could  not  resist  the  temptation  to  drive  a  hard 
bargain. 

In  the  earlier  days  of  agriculture  in  New 
England,  no  farm  of  any  size  was  regarded  as 
properly  equipped  without  a  stalwart  yoke  of 
oxen,  which  were  best  adapted  to  the  rough 
stumpy  fields  and  relatively  uneven  highways. 
Although  money  was  scarce,  time  was  in  ade- 

[94] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

quate  supply.     There  followed  the  necessity  of 
that  great  empire  building  vehicle,  the  ox-cart. 

The  Remarkable  Incident  of  the 
Cart  Wheels 

There  was  a  well-known  resident  of  a  cer- 
tain rural  community  commonly  referred  to  as 
"Uncle  Reuben."  Being  a  natural  mechanic, 
he  acquired  an  enviable  reputation  as,  a  wheel- 
wright who  could  turn  out  better  cart-wheels 
than  anyone  in  that  region. 

All  the  average  farmer  needed  was  the  two 
wheels,  which  were  built  exactly  alike;  he  could 
do  the  rest  of  the  work  himself  in  his  spare 
time,  the  pole  or  "neap,"  as  it  was  locally 
designated,  being  a  simple  affair,  as  also  was 
the  cart  body. 

To  this  master  builder  of  cart-wheels  there 
came  one  day  a  farmer  from  a  remote  moun- 
tain side  and  bargained  for  a  pair  which  were 
to  be  paid  for  at  some  future  time  in  farm 
products.  The  wheels  were  to  be  ready  for 
delivery  on  the  following  Saturday  week. 

Uncle  Reuben  proceeded  leisurely  about  his 
task,  as  work  was  rather  slack,  but  completed 

[95] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

his  job  on  the  Friday  preceding  the  promised 
date  and  turned  out  a  rather  better  job  than 
usual.  That  very  afternoon  a  well-to-do  farmer 
from  a  nearby  valley  drove  up  to  engage  a 
pair  of  cart-wheels  and  as  soon  as  he  entered 
the  shop,  his  eyes  fell  upon  those  just  com- 
pleted. They  were  exactly  what  he  wanted 
and  he  insisted  upon  having  them.  Uncle 
Reuben  told  him  the  wheels  were  already  sold 
and  who  was  to  have  them.  The  man  of  afflu- 
ence was  urgent.  Uncle  Reuben  could  make 
the  mountain  farmer  another  pair  and  as  a 
clinching  argument  proposed  to  pay  cash  for 
the  wheels.  Uncle  Reuben  hesitated  but  the 
temptation  of  ready  cash  payment  instead  of 
merchandise  was  too  much.  He  accepted  the 
offer,  the  money  was  paid  and  that  evening  the 
purchaser  sent  his  man  for  the  wheels. 

All  the  next  day  Uncle  Reuben  worked  fever- 
ishly on  another  pair  of  cart-wheels  for  the 
original  purchaser.  As  he  worked  he  formu- 
lated the  excuse  he  must  offer  to  allay  the 
other  man's  disappointment.  Along  in  the 
afternoon  the  mountaineer  appeared  to  get  his 
wheels.  He  did  not  get  the  wheels  of  course, 
but  he  carried  away  a  most  unique  excuse. 

[96] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

In  his  blandest  manner  Uncle  Reuben  ex- 
plained the  matter  very  clearly. 

"Do  you  know,"  says  he,  "I  don't  see  how 
in  the  world  I  could  have  done  it,  but  when  I 
had  got  the  wheels  all  finished  I  found  I  had 
gone  and  built  two  right-hand  wheels.  A  man 
came  along  who  thought  he  could  use  them 
and  I  let  them  go." 

There  is  probably  no  more  effective  form 
of  the  so-called  "pitiless  publicity"  than  that 
which  throws  its  calcium  moral  rays  upon  the 
unconventional  resident  of  a  rural  community 
in  New  England.  There  can  be  little  that 
transpires  that  is  not  only  well  known  but 
carefully  weighed  in  the  balances.  There  is 
an  illuminating  legend  which  tells  of  an  un- 
wise battle  with  rural  public  opinion. 

The  Thrilling  Experiences  of  a  Mountain 
"Doctress" 

A  woman  who  with  her  husband  and  child 
had  taken  up  her  abode  in  a  remote  district 
was  at  first  well  received.  She  became  inter- 
ested in  the  little  church  and  being  of  a  bland 
disposition  and  an  alert  mind  succeeded  in 
7  [97] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

passing  the  censorship  with  comparative  credit. 
Unfortunately  for  herself  and  child  the  hus- 
band died  and  soon  there  were  rumors  that 
she  was  not  showing  a  proper  sense  of 
bereavement.  The  local  atmosphere  became 
chilly  and  she  decided  that  she  must  do  some- 
thing to  indicate  proper  devotion  to  her  hus- 
band's memory. 

About  fifteen  miles  away,  there  was  a  dis- 
tant cousin  of  her  late  husband  who  was  a 
dealer  in  monuments.  To  him  she  appeared 
one  day  and  mournfully  announced  her  desire 
to  erect  a  monument  to  her  late  husband. 
She  admitted  that  she  had  no  money  to  pay 
for  it,  but  said  she  had  a  piece  of  land  with 
a  house  upon  'it  and  that  she  would  willingly 
sacrifice  that  property  to  ensure  the  creation 
of  a  suitable  memorial.  The  dealer  and  in- 
cidental relative  was  very  favorably  disposed, 
not  only  to  the  ingratiating  widow,  but  to 
what  apparently  was  a  promising  venture.  A 
trade  was  soon  made,  the  widow  departed  and 
in  a  short  time  the  monument  was  properly 
erected  in  the  cemetery.  Nothing  was  said 
at  that  time  as  to  a  transfer  of  the  real 

[98] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

estate,  but  some  weeks  later  the  dealer  being 
in  the  town  where  it  was  located,  decided  to 
take  a  look  at  his  new  property.  He  found 
a  small  irregular  patch  of  rocks  and  bushes 
with  a  tumbledown  rough  board  shanty  upon 
it.  A  few  inquiries  soon  made  it  clear  that 
the  joke  was  on  him  and  he  never  made  any 
move  to  secure  a  title.  After  a  time  the 
humor  of  the  transaction  overcame  his  disgust 
at  the  trick  and  he  told  the  story  on  himself, 
to  the  great  joy  of  those  better  acquainted 
with  the  characteristics  of  the  widow. 

It  must  be  regretfully  chronicled,  however, 
that  even  the  monument  failed  to  reinstate 
the  lady  in  the  good  graces  of  her  feminine 
neighbors.  She  was  lonely,  very  short  of  cash 
and  possessed  of  an  inventive  mind;  naturally 
there  were  developments.  For  years  there 
was  no  lack  of  conversational  topics  in  that 
community,  at  least  among  the  women. 

Shortly  after  the  monument  episode  there 
appeared  an  imposing  looking  sign  on  the 
front  of  the  widow's  residence,  containing  her 
name  with  the  very  unusual  title,  "Doctress." 
Such  medical  knowledge  as  she  possessed  was 

[99] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

not  claimed  to  be  the  result  of  any  special 
study  but  rather  the  evidence  of  some  extra- 
ordinary intuition.  There  were  plenty  of 
similar  instances  in  the  days  before  the  prac- 
tice of  medicine  was  legally  restricted.  It  soon 
became  apparent  that  the  widow's  patients 
were  chiefly  resident  boarders,  generally  one 
or  two  lonely  old  widowers.  In  a  vague 
sense,  therefore,  it  may  be  seen  that  the  widow 
had  forecast  in  her  mind  the  general  idea  of 
the  sanitarium,  then  practically  unknown.  The 
hum  of  gossip  reached  a  high  crescendo  and 
the  sanitarium  project  was  soon  abandoned — 
not  however,  because  of  the  gossip  but  for 
lack  of  sufficient  clinical  material  to  pay  ex- 
penses. Thereupon  the  people  of  the  town- 
ship began  to  wonder  what  would  happen 
next.  They  didn't  have  long  to  wait. 

Although  the  possessor  of  extraordinary 
gifts  in  the  healing  art,  the  widow  had  other 
talents  which  were  not  kept  in  obscurity.  She 
"dickered"  in  real  estate  in  a  necessarily 
small  way  and  was  a  horse  trader  of  recog- 
nized ability.  But  her  ambition  at  this  time 
was  in  the  medical  field  and  having  removed 

[100] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

to  commodious  quarters  she  announced  her 
great  discovery,  "The  Mountain  Envigorator." 

Although  this  panacea  was  widely  heralded 
as  calculated  to  relieve  most  of  the  physical 
ills  of  mankind,  and  although  Emerson,  the 
Sage,  has  pictured  in  graphic  language  the 
great  procession  of  people  who  would  eagerly 
penetrate  the  trackless  wilderness  to  do  busi- 
ness with  the  inventor  of  a  better  mouse  trap 
than  the  one  probably  in  use  at  the  Phil- 
osopher's Concord  residence,  there  was  singu- 
lar apathy  manifest  regarding  the  Envigor- 
ator. Sales  were  very,  very  slow  and  ex- 
penses large. 

However,  the  widow  was  resourceful.  She 
fitted  out  a  two-horse  pedlar's  cart  and  en- 
gaged an  assistant  to  travel  about  with  her 
and  help  introduce  her  remedy. 

Thereupon  for  a  season  the  money  began 
to  flow  back  to  the  widow's  purse.  But  such 
prosperity  was  too  obvious  to  the  assistant 
who  soon  began  to  clamor  for  an  exorbitant 
salary.  It  was  a  crisis  and  must  be  met  and 
was  met. 

[101] 


At  this  time  the  widow's  personal  charms 
had  become  somewhat  mellowed  with  age,  but 
she  decided  to  exercise  them.  The  young  man 
with  a  fortune  in  sight  soon  succumbed  and 
they  were  married. 

It  will  probably  occasion  no  surprise  to  re- 
late that  the  husband's  financial  demands  soon 
exceeded  his  most  preposterous  claims  as  an 
employee.  Dissensions  arose,  the  business  lan- 
guished and  the  bridegroom  departed.  The 
widow  also  went  away,  never  to  return,  but 
before  leaving  she  accomplished  a  master 
stroke  which  aroused  the  admiration  of  the 
most  censorious  women  of  the  countryside. 

In  a  nearby  village  there  was  a  woman 
who  had  succeeded  in  making  herself  feared 
for  her  vindictive  type  of  gossip.  She  had 
long  specialized  on  the  widow's  affairs.  Not 
content  with  revealing  what  she  knew,  she 
finally  surpassed  herself  with  a  story  which 
could  easily  be  shown  to  be  false.  The  vic- 
tim saw  her  opportunity  and  the  romancer 
was  given  her  choice  of  an  immediate  retrac- 
tion or  jail.  A  day  or  two  later  the  widow 
and  the  gossiping  dame  made  the  rounds  of 

[102] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

the  village  and  adjacent  farms.  At  each  call 
the  hostess  was  informed  by  the  widow  that 
her  companion  had  an  explanation  to  make. 
Whereupon  the  woman  of  the  poison  tongue 
would  proceed  to  relate  that  in  telling  the 
story  in  question,  she  had  drawn  wholly  upon 
her  imagination.  Before  the  housewife  could 
recover  from  her  astonishment  at  such  an  un- 
precedented narrative,  the  widow  and  her  vic- 
tim would  have  departed  to  convey  the  glad 
tidings  elsewhere. 

While  there  are  few  who  can  surpass  the 
typical  New  England  Yankee  as  a  natural 
shrewd  trader,  there  are  numerous  residents 
of  that  section  of  Canadian-French,  Irish  or 
Italian  ancestry,  who  are  amply  qualified  to 
hold  their  own.  A  conspicuous  example  of 
this  type  of  shrewdness  is  recorded  in  which 
an  Irishman,  widely  known  as  "Tim,"  took 
the  leading  part. 

The  Expedient  of  the  Cow  Buyer 

"Tim"  had  a  large  farm  and  always  had 
cows  to  sell  to  buyers,  provided  he  could  get 

[103] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

his  price,  which  was  usually  a  stiff  one.  To 
replace  animals  thus  disposed  of,  he  would 
travel  around  the  surrounding  country,  secur- 
ing a  cow  here  and  there,  as  they  could  be 
picked  up  at  his  price.  A  fortunate  sale  left 
him  very  short  of  dairy  cows,  and  hearing 
of  a  farmer  living  some  distance  away,  who 
had  some  to  sell,  he  lost  no  time  in  appearing 
on  the  scene. 

The  farmer  in  question  had  twenty  good 
looking  animals,  but  even  Tim,  with  all  his 
experience  and  judgment,  could  not  for  the  life 
of  him  make  up  his  mind  which  were  the 
most  desirable  for  his  purpose.  As  he  saw 
the  farmer  did  not  know  who  he  was,  he 
assumed  the  guise  of  the  confiding  novice. 
He  asked  the  farmer  to  put  a  price  on  ten 
cows,  as  he  might  select  from  the  herd. 
After  some  hesitation  the  seller  named  a  fig- 
ure which  was  a  very  fair  price  for  good 
cows  but  a  high  price  for  most  any  other 
kind.  Every  herd  has  its  star  performers  and 
just  how  to  get  the  best  from  the  herd  was 
a  problem.  After  much  discussion  and  inno- 
cent talk  on  his  part,  Tim  finally  asked  the 

[104] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

farmer  to  recommend  the  cows  that  would  be 
likely  to  be  satisfactory  to  him,  if  he  was  to 
accept  his  offer.  This  idea  seemed  to  be  at- 
tractive to  the  seller,  and  he  proceeded  to 
point  out  a  cow  here  and  there  in  the  herd 
until  he  had  finally  named  the  ten  to  make 
up  the  order.  Tim's  decision  was  immediate. 

"All  right,"  said  he,  "I'll  take  the  other 
ten." 

This  was  an  unexpected  turn  of  affairs  to 
the  seller,  but  he  was  a  man  of  his  word  and 
Tim  drove  his  ten  best  cows  away  with  that 
deep  sense  of  satisfaction  which  the  skillful 
trader  always  experiences  when  things  have 
come  his  way. 

* 

It  may  be  assumed  therefore  that  the  mod- 
ern form  of  sentimentalism,  of  which  we  hear 
so  much  in  certain  circles,  whereby  the  ener- 
getic and  thrifty  are  held  in  disapproval  be- 
cause they  do  not  show  a  tender  solicitude 
for  the  indolent  and  incapable,  is  not  widely 
prevalent  in  rural  New  England.  Every  real 
Yankee  who  gets  the  losing  end  of  a  trade, 
under  fair  circumstances,  accepts  the  results 

[105] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

of  his  own  incapacity  and  resolves  to  be  more 
cautious  in  the  future.  As  an  example  of 
this  give  and  take  state  of  public  opinion  may 
be  mentioned  the  case  of  the  man  who  had 
contracted  with  a  mechanic  for  a  new  milk 
sled. 

The  History  of  a  Milk  Sled 

The  mechanic  was  well  qualified.  It  could 
be  taken  for  granted  that  a  finished  article 
from  his  hands  would  be  satisfactory.  The 
only  difficulty  was  in  getting  him  to  complete 
the  job.  Being  occupied  with  various  details 
he  was  inclined  to  procrastinate.  In  this  in- 
stance he  made  an  excellent  start,  had  the 
sled  well  near  completion,  and  then  for  some 
unaccountable  reason  could  not  seem  to  get 
the  time  to  finish  it.  The  customer  would  in- 
quire every  day  or  two  as  to  the  prospects. 
There  was  an  abundance  of  promises  but  very 
little  action.  Several  weeks  went  by.  The 
situation  became  very  exasperating. 

The  builder  of  sleds  had  an  excellent  article 
of  his  own  employed  in  his  collateral  enter- 
prises. One  day  the  customer  whose  old  sled 

[106] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

was  now  in  the  last  stages  of  dilapidation, 
saw  the  mechanic  on  his  way  to  town  and 
came  to  an  instant  decision.  He  drove  to 
the  latter's  home,  changed  his  horses  to  the 
mechanic's  sled  and  proceeded  about  his  busi- 
ness. When  he  saw  the  owner  he  told  him 
he  could  have  his  property  back  when  he 
had  finished  the  job  promised  weeks  before. 
The  mechanic  grinned  appreciatively,  and  in 
a  very  short  time  the  contract  was  completed. 


[107] 


CHAPTER  VI 

DOMESTIC  ANIMALS  AND  THEIR  PART 
IN  LEGENDARY  HUMOR 

ONE  of  the  strongest  potential  arguments 
in  favor  of  the  so-called  "back  to  the  farm" 
movement,  is  seldom  appreciated  by  city 
dwellers,  viz.,  the  opportunity  thus  afforded 
for  companionship  with  the  domestic  animals. 

To  the  average  person  there  are  horses, 
cattle,  dogs  and  cats;  but  those,  especially 
farm  people,  who  are  in  intimate  daily  con- 
tact with  these  animals,  realize  that  every 
horse,  cow,  dog  and  cat  has  a  separate  in- 
dividuality. Children  brought  up  in  such 
associations  soon  recognize  .all  these  distinctive 
traits  and  thereby  acquire  a  much  more 
broad  understanding  of  the  general  manifes- 
tations of  nature  than  is  possible  to  the  chil- 
dren brought  up  to  look  upon  such  animals 
with  contempt,  if  not  with  dread. 

People  of  average  attainments  in  business, 
or  socially,  seldom  appreciate  how  much  con- 
tact with  domestic  animals  has  to  do  with 

[108] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

the  development  of  practical  common  sense 
and  self-reliance  among  those  who  have  been 
fortunate  enough  to  spend  their  early  days 
in  an  agricultural  environment. 

On  every  farm  of  any  importance,  the  daily 
routine  must  to  a  certain  degree  take  into 
account  the  varying  individual  traits  and 
capacities  of  the  farm  animals.  The  boy  who 
has  grown  up  in  these  surroundings  and 
who  has  been  taught  to  restrain  his  im- 
patience, to  exercise  forbearance  and  to  help 
induce  the  sense  of  felicity  and  general  com- 
fort among  the  domestic  animals  on  a  farm, 
which  is  essential  to  their  well-being,  has 
incidentally  laid  the  foundations  for  the  de- 
velopment of  that  good  judgment  which  usu- 
ally determines  the  difference  between  success 
and  failure. 

The  Story  of  a  Wandering  Sheep 

The  sheep  is  generally  regarded  as  a  very 
uninteresting  animal,  but  occasionally  there 
is  an  exception. 

A  man  who  had  a  small  farm,  stocked 
mostly  with  cattle,  had  a  few  sheep  which 

[109] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

he  kept  in  a  small  pasture  by  themselves. 
Among  this  flock  was  a  young  masculine 
who  had  gradually  acquired  the  opinion  that 
he  was  an  unusually  brilliant  and  promising 
sheep.  In  order  to  exhibit  the  good  opinion 
he  had  of  himself  he  developed  a  pugnacious 
tendency  and  a  disposition  to  wander  about. 
Escaping  from  the  pasture,  he  was  reported 
one  day  as  being  a  trespasser  on  the  farm 
of  a  near  neighbor. 

The  following  evening  the  owner  of  the 
young  sheep  proceeded  to  the  neighbor's 
farm  to  reclaim  the  wanderer  and  put  him 
back  where  he  belonged.  It  had  been  a 
showery  day  and  everything  was  saturated 
with  rain.  Approaching  the  farmyard  where 
the  strayed  sheep  was  reported  to  be,  the 
owner  saw  the  wife  of  the  farmer  engaged 
in  milking  a  cow.  Incidentally,  he  saw  the 
sheep  on  the  other  side  of  the  cow  from  the 
matron.  And  almost  immediately  he  saw 
other  developments.  The  sheep  had  been  re- 
garded with  strong  disfavor  by  the  strange 
cows  with  which  he  was  surrounded  and 
with  a  spirit  of  resentment  he  suddenly 

[110] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

started  head  down  at  the  cow  being  milked. 
Although  the  lady  who  was  busily  engaged 
in  the  milking  process  was  totally  uncon- 
scious of  what  was  happening,  it  was  not 
so  with  the  cow.  Just  at  the  psychological 
moment,  the  cow  sprang  forward  and  the 
sheep  came  in  violent  contact  with  the  lady 
and  the  milk  pail.  The  impact  was  so  great 
that  the  woman  was  thrown  over  backward 
in  the  soft  mud  of  the  barnyard,  the  con- 
tents of  the  pail  being  liberally  distributed 
about  her  robust  person. 

Although  the  physical  injury  was  not  seri- 
ous, the  damage  to  the  lady's  dignity  was 
such  that  the  owner  of  the  sheep  decided 
that  it  was  a  very  inappropriate  time  to 
claim  his  missing  property  and  hastily  beat 
his  retreat  to  make  his  reappearance  when 
the  lady's  wrath  had  somewhat  subsided. 

While  the  lady  sheep  is  a  model  of  amia- 
bility under  practically  all  circumstances,  as 
before  suggested,  the  male  of  the  species  de- 
velops egotism  at  a  very  early  date;  he  also 
develops  a  tendency  to  resent  anything  and 

[111] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

everything  that  reflects  upon  his  dignity.  So, 
while  it  is  entirely  appropriate  to  emphasize 
the  educational  advantages  of  farm  life  to 
growing  boys  and  girls  as  calculated  to  de- 
velop many  desirable  qualities,  it  is  easily 
possible  for  such  contact  to  result  disas- 
trously to  the  young  male  sheep  as  evidenced 
by  the  following  depressing  incident. 


The  Young  and  "Self-Centered"  Ram 

Another  young  and  somewhat  self-centered 
male  sheep  had  been  tantalized  by  small 
boys  until  his  dignity  was  deeply  wounded. 
He  was  one  of  two  or  three  that  followed  a 
herd  of  cows  around  a  large  pasture  on  a 
dairy  farm.  In  a  certain  portion  of  this 
enclosure  there  were  some  wild  raspberry 
bushes,  and  a  certain  estimable  scrub  woman 
of  the  neighborhood  went  to  the  pasture  one 
day  to  pick  some  berries.  There  was  some- 
thing about  this  woman  that  didn't  meet 
with  the  approval  of  the  young  sheep  and 
he  made  a  sudden  attack  which  resulted  in 
the  loss  of  the  berries  and  incidentally  pro- 

[112] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

duced  a  few  bruises.  The  woman  escaped 
from  the  pasture  and  went  to  the  farmhouse 
and  expressed  her  indignation  that  any  such 
wild  beast  should  be  allowed  to  be  at  large 
to  commit  assaults  on  the  neighbors.  The 
owner  of  the  sheep,  a  very  amiable  man, 
apologized  profusely  and  directed  that  the 
animal  be  kept  in  confinement,  at  least  until  the 
berry  season  was  over.  He  was  therefore  con- 
fined in  a  ramshackle  stable,  tied  behind  a  loose 
board. 

Enter  the  villains  of  this  tragedy!  four 
small  boys,  each  armed  with  a  small,  harm- 
less, but  otherwise  objectionable  birch  stick. 
The  prisoner  glared  at  them,  whereupon  one 
after  another  they  advanced  and  tapped  the 
young  ram  playfully  on  the  nose  with  their 
sticks.  In  violent  resentment  he  would  lunge 
forward  against  the  loose  board,  making  a 
tremendous  racket.  Although  this  enterprise 
only  lasted  a  few  minutes  before  it  became 
tiresome  to  the  gamins  in  question,  it  was 
sufficient  to  completely  wreck  whatever  might 
have  been  previously  left  of  this  sheep's 
amiability.  He  became  an  anarchist  then 
and  there. 

8  [113] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  next  morning  was  rainy  and  there  was 
no  probability  that  any  berry  pickers  would 
visit  the  pasture,  so  the  sheep  which  had 
expressed  his  dissatisfaction  by  many  loud 
protests  during  the  previous  days,  was  gladly 
released  to  be  allowed  to  go  at  large.  It 
was  here  that  Grim  Tragedy  stalked  forth. 
The  farmyard  was  a  quagmire  as  a  result 
of  the  rain  and  as  one  of  the  older  "boys" 
started  to  carefully  pick  his  way  through  the 
mud  with  two  brimming  milk  pails,  the 
sheep  caught  sight  of  him  and  decided  that 
this  was  the  time  to  avenge  some  of  those 
insults  of  the  day  before.  Just  as  the  young 
man  was  crossing  the  deepest  portion  of  the 
bog,  he  was  made  the  victim  of  a  rear  at- 
tack. The  result  can  easily  be  imagined.  In 
his  great  wrath,  extricating  himself,  he  cor- 
nered the  pugnacious  sheep  and  changed  him 
into  mutton  in  a  very  few  seconds. 

It  has  been  stated  before  that  contact  with 
the  various  animal  inhabitants  of  a  well 
equipped  farm  is  in  itself  an  educational 
process  of  no  small  value;  it  may  be  added 

[114] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

that    there    is    often    as    much    diversion    as 
education   in  these  experiences. 

The  Sudden  Enlightenment  of  the 
Young  Pup 

Much  has  been  written  of  geese  and  their 
superior  mental  qualities  as  compared  with 
other  fowl.  It  is  true  that  they  are  wise 
in  certain  ways  and  that  the  average  hen  is 
very  stupid  by  comparison.  But  the  hen  is 
a  never-ending  source  of  amusement  to  many 
people,  especially  when  zealously  engaged  in 
bringing  up  a  brood.  It  might  be  almost 
assumed  that  the  hen  has  reasoning  power 
at  times,  as  for  example: 

A  collie  puppy  was  added  to  the  equip- 
ment of  a  certain  farm  and  after  a  few  days 
he  began  to  make  a  general  tour  of  investi- 
gation. He  seemed  to  find  the  young  chick- 
ens about  as  interesting  as  anything  and 
while  doing  them  no  injury  he  would  nose 
them  about  to  the  terror  of  the  chickens  and 
the  great  indignation  of  the  mother  hens. 
At  a  time  of  emergency  some  noble  figure 
should  always  step  forward  and  this  emer- 

[115] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

gency  was  no  exception.  Early  one  morning 
the  pup  was  seen  flying  across  the  yard, 
uttering  the  most  agonizing  cries,  one  of  the 
maternal  hens  standing  squarely  in  the  mid- 
dle of  his  back,  incidentally  giving  him  her 
opinion  of  dogs  in  general  and  himself  in 
particular.  The  hen  hopped  off  and  went 
back  to  the  chickens  and  the  puppy  was  ab- 
solutely cured.  He  had  no  further  curiosity 
in  that  direction. 

A  Hen  Heroine 

Another  true  instance  of  hen  wisdom  deals 
with  an  ancient  female  of  that  species,  who 
had  lived  to  ripe  old  age  because  of  her 
extraordinarily  good  judgment  in  bringing 
up  chickens.  One  day  the  owner  heard  a 
great  outcry.  Looking  out  she  saw  the  hen 
engaged  in  a  vigorous  battle  with  a  crow. 
It  may  be  incidentally  mentioned  that  while 
the  crow  does  not  ordinarily  molest  young 
chickens,  there  are  exceptions  and  this  was 
a  very  bold  marauder  indeed.  However,  he 
reckoned  without  his  host,  as  the  old  hen 
had  lived  long  enough  and  had  acquired 

[116] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE  HUMOR 

sufficient  knowledge  of  crow  depravity  to 
meet  the  emergency  in  a  business-like  way. 
She  viciously  attacked  and  continued  to  fight 
the  crow,  who  was  unable  to  get  in  a  posi- 
tion to  fly  away,  until  help  arrived  and  the 
crow  was  promptly  dispatched.  No  young 
fowl,  a  year  or  two  old,  would  have  had  the 
requisite  courage,  but  this  hen,  who  had 
long  since  passed  the  stage  of  edibility  as 
poultry,  had  gradually  developed  the  intelli- 
gence and  pluck  to  fight  the  crow  with  his 
own  weapons. 

It  is  often  pathetic  to  see  how  difficult  it 
is  for  a  normal  small  boy  who  lives  in  the 
crowded  sections  of  a  big  city  to  find  any 
legitimate  outlet  for  his  energies.  He  grows 
up  with  relatively  few  opportunities  to  de- 
velop any  sense  of  personal  responsibility. 
Not  so  the  boy  on  the  New  England  farm. 
If  it  is  a  real  farm  and  conducted  as  a 
means  of  livelihood  for  the  family,  respon- 
sibility is  constantly  camping  on  his  trail. 


[117] 


NEW  ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Story  of  the  "Lolling"  Horse 

Two  farm  boys  about  ten  years  of  age 
who  lived  in  a  period  when  there  were  no 
automobiles1,  had  early  been  accustomed  -to 
the  care  of  farm  animals  and  had  incidentally 
had  some  casual  experiences  in  driving  horses. 

One  day  they  were  given  permission  to 
visit  a  married  cousin  of  one  of  the  boys  at 
her  home  some  miles  away.  For  the  first 
time  in  their  young  lives  they  were  allowed 
to  start  out  alone  with  a  horse  and  buggy. 
It  was  a  great  occasion  and  they  began 
their  journey  with  much  anticipation,  but 
before  they  had  gone  a  mile  Dull  Care  had 
settled  upon  them  and  attended  them  con- 
tinuously until  their  return  in  the  early 
evening. 

Only  a  short  time  before,  one  of  the  boys 
heard  a  distressing  story  relating  to  an  ox 
that  had  died  from  being  overheated.  A 
premonitory  symptom  of  the  approaching  de- 
mise of  the  ox  had  been  that  he  "lolled." 
This  had  made  a  deep  impression  on  the  boy 
who  heard  the  story. 

[118] 


THE    TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

It  would  hardly  seem  to  be  necessary  to 
explain  that  of  all  domestic  animals,  the 
horse  is  the  only  one  which  perspires  freely. 
This  affords  relief  to  the  horse  when  hard 
at  work  on  a  warm  day.  And  it  of  course 
provides  a  clue  to  his  condition.  The  team- 
ster will  not  push  his  overheated  team  horses 
too  hard.  With  the  ox  team  it  is  different. 
Heat  exhaustion  may  be  near  and  still  there 
will  be  little  or  no  evidence  of  such  condition, 
the  most  characteristic  symptom,  however,  be- 
ing the  tendency  of  the  ox  to  "loll"  or  allow  his 
tongue  to  protrude  from  his  mouth  in  his 
panting  efforts  to  perform  his  task. 

Therefore  with  this  bovine  tragedy  fresh 
in  mind  it  is  easy  to  imagine  the  consterna- 
tion of  these  two  holiday  seekers,  when,  after 
jogging  along  at  a  comfortable  pace  for  a 
mile  or  two,  the  horse,  beginning  to  show 
some  evidence  of  perspiration,  and  turning 
his  head  to  snap  at  a  pestiferous  fly,  dis- 
closed the  fact  that  his  tongue  was  pro- 
truding. The  boys  looked  at  each  other  with 
horror.  What  had  they  done?  The  none 
too  reluctant  animal  was  restrained  to  a 

[119] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

slow  walk  and  after  a  time  the  boys  saw 
with  great  relief  that  he  had  his  tongue  back 
in  his  mouth  where  a  horse's  tongue  ought 
to  be.  They  slowly  made  their  way  to  the 
home  of  their  hostess  and,  not  wishing  to 
disclose  the  fact  that  they  had  been  over- 
driving their  horse,  they  carefully  refrained 
from  speaking  of  the  heavy  weight  of  anxiety 
with  which  they  were  oppressed.  They  made 
an  early  start  for  home  and  after  a  slow, 
tedious  journey  in  the  hottest  part  of  the 
day,  they  arrived  and  turned  over  their 
horse  apparently  as  sound  as  when  they  had 
taken  him  in  charge.  Their  mysterious  man- 
ner, however,  caused  interest  and  when  the 
facts  were  made  clear,  it  afforded  much 
amusement  to  the  two  families  who  could 
not  refrain  from  making  subsequent  allusions 
to  "the  lolling  horse."  It  may  be  said  in 
explanation  that  the  horse  in  question  merely 
had  a  little  habit  of  occasionally  protruding 
his  tongue,  which  the  boys  had  never  hap- 
pened to  notice  before.  It  may  be  taken  for 
granted,  however,  that  the  sense  of  respon- 
sibility thus  displayed  by  the  boys,  was  not 
lost  sight  of  by  their  elders. 

[120] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

And  it  may  also  be  assumed  that  the  next 
time  that  horse  was  driven  by  those  boys,  he 
was  not  permitted  to  lag  on  his  journey. 

The  common  exchange  of  farm  implements, 
wagons,  or  sleds,  in  rural  New  England,  does 
not  generally  include  the  loaning  of  team 
horses.  The  average  farm  horse,  as  before 
suggested,  has  his  special  individuality,  and  it 
is  not  a  difficult  thing  for  a  work  horse  to 
get  demoralized  in  the  hands  of  a  strange 
driver.  In  such  cases,  he  may  become  very 
reluctant  to  take  hold  and  pull  a  heavy  load. 

The  Farmer  Who  Borrowed  the 
Blind  Horse 

A  certain  farmer,  however,  had  a  horse 
which  he  was  always  ready  to  turn  over  to  any 
responsible  borrower.  The  horse  was  blind 
and  his  age  had  long  been  a  matter  of  con- 
jecture. One  day  a  neighbor,  unaware  of  the 
extraordinary  docility  of  this  poor,  blind  beast, 
asked  if  he  could  have  the  horse  to  drive 
eight  or  ten  miles  on  a  necessary  errand. 
Permission  was  readily  granted  and  he  led 

[121] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  horse  home,  harnessed  him,  and  started 
out.  He  succeeded  in  getting  back  home  in 
the  middle  of  the  night.  The  next  morning 
he  led  the  horse  back  to  the  owner. 

"It  is  my  custom,"  said  he,  "to  pay  for  a 
borrowed  horse  in  praising,  but  this  time  I 
want  to  pay  some  other  way." 

Just  how  much  blindness  had  to  do  with 
the  total  lack  of  courage  of  this  borrowed 
horse  would  be  hard  to  say,  but  it  was  prob- 
ably a  contributing  factor. 

It  is  sometimes  hinted  that  people  who  have 
retained  health  and  comparative  youthfulness 
to  an  advanced  age,  have  reason  to  thank 
themselves  for  the  excellent  judgment  they 
have  manifested  in  avoiding  undue  exertion 
rather  than  for  any  unusual  inherited  vigor. 
There  are,  however,  other  factors  besides 
the  avoidance  of  physical  labor  to  be  con- 
sidered, as  for  example,  cheerful  tempera- 
ment and  an  active,  alert  mind.  This  latter 
quality  seems  to  hold  good  with  the  animal 
creation  as  shown  by  the  following  example. 

[122] 


The  Lame  Horse  That  Was  Suddenly      . 
Cured 

A  young  couple,  who  had  arrived  at  a  state 
of  mind  in  which  there  was  considerable  mutual 
interest,  found  it  very  desirable  one  day  to 
take  a  little  drive.  Their  parents  lived  on 
two  adjoining  farms  and  it  was  a  busy 
season.  Spare  horses  were  scarce.  Finally 
an  agreement  was  reached.  The  young  lady 
agreed  to  furnish  horse  and  harness  if  her 
companion  would  furnish  the  buggy.  This 
seemed  to  be  a  practical  arrangement  and 
they  started  gayly  out  on  their  trip.  After 
lunch  in  town,  there  seemed  to  be  nothing 
else  to  do  but  start  for  home,  but  they  were 
in  no  great  hurry  to  arrive  there,  so  at  a 
certain  turn  in  the  road  they  decided  to 
make  a  detour. 

The  little  Morgan  mare  of  quite  advanced 
age,  contributed  by  the  young  lady  as  her 
quota  of  the  team,  had  very  peculiar  ideas. 
She  thoroughly  disapproved  of  the  trip  in  the 
first  place,  and  secondly  the  young  man's  driv- 
ing was  also  entirely  different  from  anything 
she  was  accustomed  to.  At  the  prospect  of 

[123] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

returning  home,  however,  she  seemed  to  cheer 
up  amazingly  until  she  found  herself  being 
turned  off  on  the  side  road.  She  moped 
along  for  a  few  yards  and  then  began  to  be 
very  lame. 

'This  is  a  nice  prospect!"  said  the  driver. 
"I  think  we  had  better  turn  straight  around 
and  get  home,  if  we  can." 

The  young  lady  was  quite  well  acquainted 
with  the  little  white  mare. 

"Let  me  take  those  reins,"  said  she. 

She  took  over  the  reins  and  gave  the  poor, 
lame  horse  a  couple  of  slashes  with  the  whip 
and  a  miracle  was  performed.  The  lameness 
was  cured  in  an  instant. 

One  of  the  most  frequent  tragedies  of 
agricultural  life  is  where  some  farmer  allows 
himself  to  feel  that  he  has  somehow  lost  a 
considerable  part  of  the  pleasures  of  life  by 
living  remote  from  town.  In  such  a  case  the 
farmer,  if  well  to  do,  may  dispose  of  his 
farm  and  move  to  a  nearby  village.  And 
then,  far  too  often,  physical  and  even  mental 
degeneration  will  soon  be  in  evidence.  Lack 
of  occupation  is  no  doubt  a  considerable  fac- 

[124] 


THE    TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

tor,  but  the  loss  of  the  interest  and  congenial 
companionship  associated  with  domestic  ani- 
mals is  probably  no  small  item  in  this  dis- 
integration. 

In  the  consideration  of  animal  life  and  its 
influence  upon  farm  environment,  the  wild 
birds  should  not  be  overlooked.  As  with  the 
human  race,  these  birds  present  the  varying 
characteristics  of  those  who  are  helpful  and 
popular  and  those  who  constitute  a  problem. 

The  Bird  Policeman 

The  crow  is  both  a  pest  and  a  useful  citi- 
zen. He  is  not  nearly  as  popular  with  the 
average  farmer  as  he  ought  to  be.  It  is 
the  old  story  of  the  roughneck's  total  con- 
tempt for  the  opinion  of  his  neighbors,  human 
or  otherwise.  The  crow's  attitude  is  in  gen- 
eral stated  as  follows:  "You  can't  put  any- 
thing over  on  me."  He  is  an  ardent  believer 
in  "collective  bargaining"  and  when  it  is  de- 
sirable to  raid  a  field  of  ripe  corn,  the  entire 
crow  colony  is  carefully  organized  for  the 

[125] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

purpose.  Pickets  will  be  established  to  warn 
of  the  approach  of  any  man  with  a  gun. 

But,  however  sardonic  may  be  the  attitude 
of  Mr.  Crow  toward  the  poor,  plodding  human 
farmers,  he  is  quick  to  recognize  his  master, 
the  kingbird. 

In  a  certain  farmyard  the  crows  and  hawks 
had  established  a  reign  of  terror  among  the 
hens  and  chickens.  Broods  of  chickens  would 
be  depleted  one  by  one  until  there  were  few 
survivors  and  the  women  of  the  household 
became  thoroughly  exasperated.  This  went  on 
to  a  greater  or  less  extent  for  several  years. 
One  bright  June  morning  a  certain  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Kingbird  arrived  from  a  more  southern 
clime  and  looked  the  premises  over.  They  de- 
cided that  there  was  an  excellent  opportunity 
to  establish  a  home  in  one  of  the  shade  trees. 
They  had  hardly  got  at  work,  however,  be- 
fore the  male  bird  found  it  necessary  to  take 
up  a  certain  line  of  police  duties.  He  dis- 
covered that  the  crows  and  hawks  had  been 
making  themselves  very  much  at  home  in  that 
immediate  neighborhood. 

Within  twenty-four  hours  the  word  had 
gone  around  to  all  the  marauders,  and  for 

[126] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

years  thereafter  they  never  came  near  those 
premises  again.  Each  season  the  kingbird 
and  his  wife  would  come  back.  That  was 
sufficient  protection  for  the  young  chickens 
who  could  scratch  about  within  the  limits  of 
their  enclosure  with  perfect  safety.  It  can  be 
taken  for  granted  that  everything  was  done 
by  the  owners  of  the  farm  to  make  it  pleas- 
ant for  the  bird  policeman,  who  by  his  extra- 
ordinary activities  and  fearlessness  strikes 
terror  to  the  heart  of  the  swiftest  hawk,  lest 
he  be  blinded  by  one  of  the  lightning  dashes 
of  the  kingbird  who  always  aims  for  the  eyes. 

The  Evicted   Swallows 

At  the  same  farm  some  swallows  had  estab- 
lished a  system  of  commodious  mud  dwellings 
under  the  eaves  of  the  south  and  east  side 
of  the  barn.  They  occupied  these  premises 
year  after  year  with  apparent  satisfaction. 
One  spring  they  were  abruptly  and  summarily 
dispossessed,  although  allowed  to  re-establish 
themselves  on  the  other  side  of  the  building. 
This  is  but  a  mere  detail  in  bird  life.  The  warm 
southeastern  exposure  looked  good  to  some 

[127] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

bluebirds  and  they  promptly  evicted  those  who 
had  apparently  secured  the  right  of  possession 
by  a  long  lease. 

The  Proprietary  Attitude  of  the  Robins 

Robins,  to  most  people,  are  merely  robins.  It 
would  surprise  the  average  city  inhabitant  how- 
ever, perhaps,  to  know  that  even  the  robin  may 
be  individualized  by  farm  dwellers,  so  that  a 
certain  old  cock  robin  who  has  been  coming 
back,  presumably  with  the  same  wife,  year 
after  year,  is  promptly  recognized  on  his 
arrival.  In  advanced  years  the  cock  robin 
sometimes  seems  to  develop  obesity  or  at  least 
great  abdominal  extension,  which  may  quite 
naturally  be  due  to  gradual  indisposition  to 
labor  but  with  no  compensating  tendency  to 
reduce  rations.  This  is,  however,  so  fre- 
quently observed  in  other  male  bipeds  that  it 
should  not  occasion  surprise. 

The  robin  is  perhaps  the  most  popular  of 
birds  in  the  rural  districts.  It  is  an  unwritten 
law  among  native  New  Englanders  that  they 
shall  not  be  harassed  or  molested.  The  house 

[128] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

cat  which  has  been  detected  catching  a  robin 
is  in  great  disfavor  immediately. 

About  the  first  sure  indication  of  actual 
spring  in  this  section  is  the  appearance  of 
these  welcome  birds  whose  cheerfulness  seems 
to  be  contagious.  They  seem  to  be  socially 
inclined  toward  humans  and  are  quite  apt  to 
locate  their  nests  in  close  proximity  to  some 
farmhouse.  Indeed  at  times  they  seem  to 
assume  a  rather  proprietary  attitude  toward 
the  farm  owners  themselves,  as  shown  by  the 
following  typical  incident. 

One  sultry  day  in  July,  it  was  noted  at  a  cer- 
tain farmhouse,  that  there  seemed  to  be  con- 
siderable excitement  among  the  robins.  They 
were  unusually  vociferous  and  someone  wise  to 
their  habits  suggested  that  probably  the  young 
birds  were  about  ready  to  make  their  first  trial 
flights.  On  the  Sunday  morning  in  question, 
most  of  the  family  had  gone  to  church  when  a 
certain  slacker,  who  was  left  behind,  took  his 
comfortable  seat  on  the  porch  facing  the  lawn. 
The  house  dog  was  lying  on  the  grass  nearby 
and  all  was  quiet  among  the  robins  with  one 
exception.  The  exception  was  expressing  high 
9  [129] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

disapproval  of  something.  Suddenly  there 
was  the  chatter  of  a  squirrel  in  a  clump  of 
trees  a  short  distance  away,  and  the  dog  arose 
to  his  feet  and  started  leisurely  down  to  in- 
vestigate. When  he  had  gone  about  fifty  feet 
there  suddenly  developed  a  perfect  din  of  pro- 
test, several  robins  joining  in  the  chorus  to 
explain  to  the  dog  how  unwelcome  he  was 
and  no  doubt  including  various  other  uncom- 
plimentary comments. 

It  was  plainly  depressing  to  the  dog;  he 
had  had  no  quarrel  with  the  robins  and  saw 
no  reason  why  they  should  talk  to  him  in 
such  abusive  terms.  He  came  dejectedly  back 
to  his  original  location  and  lay  down.  The 
chorus  of  disfavor  stopped.  Meantime,  how- 
ever, the  robin  in  the  tree  directly  in  front 
of  the  porch  continued  his  tirade.  Finally 
the  dog  again  arose  and  went  around  the 
corner,  the  man  on  the  porch  decided  to  go 
in  the  house,  and  immediately  all  clamour 
ceased. 

The  Haunted  Cat 

At  another  farmhouse  there  were  two  well 
fed  and  properly  cared  for  cats  actively  en- 

[130] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

gaged  in  the  ever  necessary  warfare  against 
mice.  A  colony  of  swallows  had  built  their 
nests  under  the  eaves  of  a  large  barn.  So 
far  as  the  human  inhabitants  of  the  farm 
could  know  there  was  no  essential  difference 
in  the  moral  characters  of  the  two  cats.  But 
while  one  of  these  cats  could  circulate  around 
the  buildings  and  no  swallow  would  seem  to 
take  any  interest  in  the  matter,  as  soon  as 
the  other  cat  made  her  appearance  in  the 
space  between  the  house  and  barn,  various 
active  members  of  the  swallow  colony  would 
immediately  issue  forth  from  their  retreat  and 
proceed  to  swoop  around  and  around  the  cat 
a  few  feet  from  the  ground,  to  her  great  dis- 
comfiture and  embarrassment.  It  became  prac- 
tically impossible  for  the  cat  to  go  out  of 
doors  without  undergoing  this  ordeal.  She 
became  a  nervous  wreck  and  finally  had  to 
avoid  this  open  area  and  take  her  prome- 
nades in  another  direction. 

It  would  be  interesting  to  know  just  why 
the  swallows  made  such  a  discrimination  be- 
tween the  two  cats.  Possibly  the  object  of 
their  resentment  had  some  time  succeeded  in 

[131] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE    LORE 

capturing  one  of  the  birds,  but  such  an  achieve- 
ment by  a  cat  is  not  very  common,  as  the 
swallows  are  extremely  agile  and  capable  of 
keeping  out  of  reach.  And  if  one  cat  had  be- 
come unpopular  for  this  cause,  why  should  not 
the  swallows  have  adopted  aggressive  and  pro- 
tective tactics  toward  the  other  cat  who  might 
naturally  be  expected  to  follow  the  same 
predatory  instinct  if  given  the  opportunity? 

To  people  who  have  spent  their  entire  life- 
time in  the  city,  these  incidents  of  animal  life 
might  easily  seem  to  be  mostly  imaginary, 
but  to  those  who  are  of  receptive  mind  and 
keep  a  watchful  eye  upon  the  various  activi- 
ties of  the  animal  creation  as  revealed  to 
them  by  residence  in  the  open  country,  there 
is  presented  a  panorama  of  individual  traits, 
numerous  and  delightfully  varied. 


[132] 


IT  must  be  regretfully  stated  that  the  old 
time  folklore  of  the  supposed  supernatural  has 
apparently  vanished  from  modern  New  Eng- 
land. Skepticism  has  seized  upon  the  present 
generation  and  such  genuine  unalloyed  ghost 
stories  as  still  persist  are  regarded  as  the 
harmless  delusions  of  old  age.  Thus,  much 
that  furnished  thrills  in  earlier  days  has 
departed. 

They  were  creepy  enough,  those  ancient 
tales.  And  in  most  instances  they  were  vouched 
for  as  strictly  true  by  people  whose  reputa- 
tions for  veracity  were  beyond  dispute. 

The  Ghost  in  the  Milk  Dairy 

Take  the  story  of  the  milk  pans  as  an  ex- 
ample. The  people  who  occupied  the  milk  pan 
infested  residence  were  an  intelligent  church 
going  family  of  the  highest  standing.  They 
were  not  superstitious  and  in  fact  regarded 

[133] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

their  spooky  experiences  as  a  joke.  They  had 
a  dairy  farm  at  a  period  when  cream  sepa- 
rators were  unknown. 

The  process  at  that  time  was  to  "set"  the 
milk  in  shallow  tin  pans  and  skim  off  the 
cream  when  the  milk  had  become  sour.  The 
cream  was  then  made  into  butter.  Where 
there  were  quite  a  number  of  cows,  a  con- 
siderable stack  of  these  tin  pans  was  required. 
Such  as  were  not  in  use  would  be  placed  in 
an  orderly  pile  on  a  high  shelf  in  the  milk 
room. 

Therefore,  it  can  be  readily  understood  that 
if  one  of  these  pans  was  to  slide  off  the  shelf 
to  the  floor,  it  would  make  a  loud  noise. 

Now,  suppose  the  farmer  and  his  family 
were  sitting  around  the  evening  lamp  and  all 
at  once  an  unearthly  din  in  the  milk  room 
should  indicate  that  a  dozen  or  perhaps  two 
dozen  of  those  six-quart  milk  pans  had  rolled 
from  the  top  shelf  to  the  floor,  we  would 
naturally  expect  one  or  more  members  of  the 
family  to  go  at  once  to  investigate. 

Well,  this  highly  respectable  and  truthful 
family  would  do  nothing  of  the  kind.  They 

[134] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

would  remain  quietly  reading  the  weekly  paper, 
or  knitting,  or  popping  corn,  according  to  age 
and  disposition;  because  they  knew  no  milk 
pans  had  stirred  an  inch.  It  was  merely  the 
spook  amusing  himself. 

The  Spook  Story  of  the  Runaway  Horse 

A  family  lived  on  a  back  hilly  road,  and 
where  the  highway  passed  their  house  it  was 
quite  steep.  Comparatively  few  teams  would 
be  seen  during  the  day  and  still  fewer  would 
be  abroad  at  night.  It  therefore  might  be 
expected  that  when  all  the  sounds  of  a  horse 
galloping  wildly  down  the  road  with  a  rattling 
wagon  at  his  heels  should  be  heard,  the  people 
would  rush  to  the  windows  and  doors  to  find 
out  whose  horse  was  subjecting  his  driver 
to  probable  injury  or  sudden  death;  but  they 
didn't — at  least  after  the  first  few  times. 
They  knew  no  horse  was  running  away;  it 
was  only  the  spook. 

And  still  there  are  people  in  this  age  of 
jazz  who  think  the  "old  times"  had  no  ex- 
citement. 

[135] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

Most  of  the  practical  jokes  of  the  spook 
were  harmless,  but  in  a  given  instance  he 
seems  to  have  gone  rather  too  far. 

Table  Tipping  and  a  Victim 

As  could  be  expected  a  certain  number  of 
people  were  disposed  to  take  these  "manifes- 
tations" quite  seriously,  regardless  of  the  ridi- 
cule of  their  neighbors.  A  group  of  these 
seekers  after  occult  knowledge  had  gathered 
one  evening  to  engage  in  their  favorite  avo- 
cation of  "table  tipping,"  and  were  unusually 
favored  with  "signs."  The  small  table  around 
which  they  were  seated  became  so  totally  un- 
mindful of  the  force  of  gravity  that  a  recent 
novitiate  of  corpulent  figure  was  induced  to 
seat  himself  upon  it  to  keep  it  in  place.  No 
sooner  had  he  taken  his  position  than  the 
table  began  to  float  about  the  room. 

It  was  a  triumphant  moment  for  the  be- 
lievers. They  were  succeeding  beyond  their 
wildest  anticipations.  The  table,  after  vari- 
ous oscillations,  approached  the  stairway,  still 
carrying  the  portly  investigator.  Clinging  to 
it  were  a  number  of  enthusiasts  who  stumbled 

[136] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

up  the  stairway  well  toward  the  top.  Sud- 
denly the  invisible  force  weakened,  and  the 
table  with  its  burden,  fell  with  a  crash. 

The  victim  was  considerably  bruised  but 
otherwise  physically  uninjured.  His  vanity 
had  however  received  a  hard  jolt  and  he  took 
no  further  part  in  the  seances. 


There  is  significance  in  the  fact  that  al- 
though most  people  of  the  rural  districts  long 
ago  lost  interest  in  "spirit"  phenomena,  it  has 
lately  engaged  the  attention  of  city  dwellers 
to  an  increasing  extent.  Such  investigations 
passed  under  the  ban  of  country  people  be- 
cause of  the  current  impression  that  they 
were  generally  demoralizing  in  their  influence. 
Those  who  maintained  the  churches  were 
skeptical  and  this  developed  antagonisms,  which 
affected  attendance  upon  church  and  Sunday 
school.  The  "ouija  board"  is  about  all  there 
is  left  of  the  old  time  manifestations  in  rural 
New  England. 


[137] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Story  of  the  Ouija  Board 

But  even  the  ouija  board  can  carry  conster- 
nation to  the  wayward. 

A  New  England  youth  of  unusually  good 
looks  became  impressed  with  the  idea  that  his 
face  could  easily  be  made  to  be  his  fortune. 
The  matrimonial  route  seemed  to  be  easiest 
and  after  a  short  courtship  he  became  the 
husband  of  a  woman  of  considerable  wealth. 
To  be  sure  she  was  quite  deaf  and  some 
forty  years  his  senior,  but  there  could  be 
many  collateral  diversions.  His  elation  was 
short  lived.  The  old  lady  had  not  lived  so 
many  years  without  acquiring  wisdom.  She 
promptly  added  to  her  other  bridal  accessories 
a  "ouija"  with  which  she  soon  became  proficient. 

Before  his  marriage  the  young  husband  had 
made  the  acquaintance  of  numerous  fair  ones 
of  whom  chorus  girls  seemed  the  most  con- 
genial. But  he  soon  found  it  wise  to  avoid 
their  company.  With  her  faithful  ouija,  his 
wife  could  have  him  shadowed  at  all  hours 
of  the  day.  It  was  too  uncanny.  He  became 
the  most  docile  and  punctilious  of  husbands. 

[138] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Coincidence  often  assumes  an  uncanny  re- 
semblance to  the  so-called  supernatural.  In- 
stances in  which  a  certain  type  of  dream  was 
followed  by  disaster  are  common  to  all  classes 
of  people.  But  what  is  to  be  said  of  "signs" 
during  waking  hours?  as  for  example  the  fol- 
lowing legend  of  a  highly  intelligent  married 
couple  who  would  have  scorned  to  palm  off 
such  a  narrative  unless  authentic. 


The  Unreal  Arrival  of  Uncle  Mark 

Late  one  summer  evening  these  middle-aged 
parents  of  a  considerable  family  had  just  re- 
tired to  rest,  the  younger  people  being  long 
since  abed  and  asleep.  All  at  once  the  silence 
of  the  farm  was  broken  by  the  sound  of  a 
horse  and  buggy  coming  rapidly  up  the  main 
road,  and  which  turned  from  the  highway, 
passed  through  the  yard  and  up  a  driveway 
into  the  horse  barn.  The  farmer  and  his 
wife  exchanged  glances,  one  of  them  remark- 
ing that  "Uncle  Mark,"  a  brother  of  the 
farmer,  was  evidently  making  one  of  his  cus- 
tomary unannounced  visits. 

[139] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

Then  followed  the  familiar  sounds  of  the 
horse  being  detached  from  the  buggy  and  led 
into  the  stall.  The  farmer  hastily  readjusting 
his  clothing,  took  the  lamp  and  went  down 
stairs  to  admit  the  visitor.  Seeing  and  hearing 
no  one  he  went  down  the  porch  and  crossed  the 
yard  to  the  barn.  He  found  no  strange  horse, 
wagon  or  driver. 

When  the  wife  was  told  that  what  they 
had  both  heard  so  distinctly  was  a  delusion, 
she  looked  very  grave. 

"That  means  bad  news,"  was  all  she  said. 

The  farmer  and  his  wife  went  to  bed  and 
let  us  hope  they  slept  the  sleep  of  the  just. 
The  next  morning  a  telegram  announced  the 
sudden  death  of  a  near  relative.  It  would  be 
hard  to  convince  any  of  their  descendants 
that  this  fine  old  couple  had  betrayed  any 
weak  superstitious  delusions  in  describing  this 
mysterious  combination  of  happenings. 

It  is  probable  that  the  experienced  traveling 
salesman  is  about  as  near  immune  to  super- 
stitious thrills  as  any  type  of  citizen,  but  in 
one  specific  case  even  his  iron  nerve  gave 

way. 

[140] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

The  Locked  Door  Which  Swung  Open 

A  young  man  of  exceptional  vigor  and 
equipoise,  traveling  through  a  hilly  country, 
had  occasion  to  make  a  late  journey  across  a 
mountain.  The  road  was  poor  and  the  travel- 
ing tedious  and  he  found  that  he  had  sadly 
miscalculated  the  time  required  to  complete 
the  trip.  He  decided  to  stop  at  the  first 
likely  looking  farmhouse  and  beg  for  a  chance 
to  stay  over  night. 

By  this  time  it  was  very  dark  but  he  was 
able  to  get  a  glimpse  of  two  or  three  cabins 
on  the  way  that  seemed  too  utterly  unat- 
tractive for  consideration.  Finally  he  came  to 
a  more  commodious  looking  establishment  and 
decided  to  go  no  further  if  he  could  possibly 
avoid  it.  Stopping  his  horse  in  front  of  the 
house  he  hallooed  several  times.  There  was 
no  answer,  so  inferring  the  inhabitants  were 
sound  sleepers,  the  young  man  concluded  to 
first  find  shelter  for  his  horse  and  then  come 
back  and  in  some  way  or  other  secure  a 
night's  lodging  for  himself. 

An  outbuilding  was  located  and  unharness- 
ing his  horse,  he  tied  him  to  a  beam  and 

[141] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

after  giving  the  animal  some  hay  and  a  bed- 
ding of  the  same,  he  went  back  to  the  farm- 
house, intending  to  pound  on  the  door  until 
he  aroused  the  inmates.  But  he  did  not  pound 
on  the  door. 

As  the  weary  traveler  approached  the  front 
step,  the  door  began  to  turn,  swung  around 
slowly  and  finally  stood  wide  open.  There 
was  not  the  slightest  noise  nor  sign  of  any 
human  agency  associated  with  the  door.  Every 
individual  hair  arose  on  the  young  man's 
head.  He  thought  with  joy  and  relief  of  that 
good,  faithful  animal  munching  his  dry  hay. 
He  hastened  back  to  the  shed,  lay  down  as 
near  the  horse  as  safety  would  permit,  and  so 
managed  to  pass  the  night. 

At  daybreak  he  resumed  his  journey,  but 
before  leaving  he  observed  positive  evidences 
that  the  house  was  uninhabited.  The  door 
was  locked! 

It  is  probable  that  had  the  salesman  had 
the  time  and  disposition  to  make  a  careful 
daylight  inspection  of  the  vacant  house,  he 
might  have  discovered  some  perfectly  natural 
cause  for  the  mysterious  actions  of  the  front 

[142] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

door.     But  his  curiosity,  was  not  very  active 
just  then. 


In  another  instance  the  investigations  of  a 
traveling  salesman  nearly  caused  a  case  of 
sudden  death  by  heart  failure. 

The  Joke  Played  on  the  Hotel  Porter 

This  young  man  found  himself  marooned 
for  the  Sabbath  at  a  little  hotel  in  a  back 
country  town.  Sunday  afternoon,  finding  noth- 
ing better  to  do,  he  proceeded  to  put  the  blase 
hotel  clerk  through  a  third  degree  examination 
in  regard  to  any  local  points  of  interest  which 
might  alleviate  the  general  tiresomeness  of  the 
situation.  The  only  interesting  feature  appar- 
ently possessed  by  the  town  was  a  haunted 
house  guaranteed  to  be  genuine  in  every 
respect. 

There  was  the  usual  legend  of  some  ghastly 
tragedy  and  the  record  of  spookish  antics 
frequently  associated  with  such  histories.  Al- 
together the  salesman  was  disposed  to  con- 
sider this  a  real  find  and  worth  looking  after. 

[143] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  most  conspicuous  member  of  the  hotel 
staff  of  employees  was  a  colored  porter.  Bland 
and  attentive,  this  young  man  took  his  posi- 
tion very  seriously  indeed.  The  salesman  be- 
came very  chummy  with  the  porter.  He 
found  several  occasions  to  utilize  his  services 
and  showed  his  appreciation  by  liberal  tips. 
It  therefore  seemed  only  natural  to  the  porter 
that  the  salesman  should  propose  that  he  have 
his  company  for  an  evening's  stroll  to  look 
over  the  town,  especially  as  the  suggestion 
was  associated  with  the  promise  of  an  extra 
half  dollar. 

In  his  conversation  with  the  clerk,  the 
salesman  had  learned  the  general  location  of 
the  haunted  house,  and  waiting  until  it  was 
quite  dark  he  started  out  in  that  direction 
with  his  escort.  He  remarked  on  the  dark- 
ness of  the  night,  saying  it  was  just  the  kind 
of  a  night  for  ghosts  to  be  on  duty.  Finally 
he  asked  his  companion  if  he  knew  of  any 
haunted  houses  in  town.  The  porter  rather 
reluctantly  admitted  that  he  did  know  of  one 
and  that  they  were  getting  pretty  near  to  it. 

By  this  time  the  porter  had  evidently  lost 
interest  in  the  excursion  and  suggested  that 

[144] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

he  would  be  needed  at  the  hotel.  He  was, 
however,  prevailed  upon  to  go  a  little  further. 
Shortly  afterward  there  loomed  up  a  large 
old-fashioned  dwelling  surrounded  by  consider- 
able grounds  which  he  pronounced  to  be  the 
haunted  house.  It  was  uninhabited  of  course. 

The  porter  again  urged  that  he  would  be 
needed  at  the  hotel,  but  the  salesman  insisted 
that  he  must  get  a  little  nearer  before  going 
back.  When  about  opposite  the  house,  he 
stopped  and  took  a  careful  look  at  the  build- 
ing which  now  looked  dismal  enough  in  the 
dim  starlight. 

The  salesman  was  possessed  of  a  voice  that 
he  could  make  unusually  penetrating.  He 
suddenly  gave  a  tremendous  leap  backward 
and  yelled  in  a  most  agonizing  tone. 

"Great  Heavens!     What  is  that?" 

But  his  companion  did  not  answer.  He  dis- 
appeared down  the  road  at  a  pace  that  no 
professional  sprinter  could  excel. 

In  "the  good  old  days"  a  ghost  seems  to 
have  generally  appeared  to  investigate  any 
unusually  spectacular  murder.  This  came  about 

w  [  145  ] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

according  to  custom   following  the   celebrated 
pedlar  mystery. 

The  Pedlar  Who  Disappeared 

A  German  Jew  had  built  up  a  profitable 
trade  among  the  farmers  in  a  certain  section 
and  was  looked  for  every  summer  by  his  cus- 
tomers. He  traveled  with  a  horse  and  cart 
and  carried  a  considerable  stock  of  silks  for 
dresses  and  heavy  black  broadcloth  for  men's 
suits.  Another  item  of  considerable  impor- 
tance in  his  business  was  a  choice  stock  of 
Paisley  shawls. 

The  prosperous  farmer  of  that  period  was 
expected  to  provide  his  wife  with  at  least  one 
black  silk  dress  in  addition  to  the  one  she 
may  have  had  as  a  part  of  her  wedding  out- 
fit, the  shawl  adding  the  final  touch  of 
elegance  to  her  wardrobe. 

Naturally  the  wife  would  expect  her  hus- 
band to  be  dressed  according  to  her  standard, 
and  that  meant  at  least  one  new  broadcloth 
suit  every  ten  or  fifteen  years.  Therefore  the 
pedlar  could  always  count  upon  a  consider- 

[146] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

able  number  of  sales  and  it  can  be  taken  for 
granted  that  he  made  at  least  a  fair  profit. 

It  was,  however,  often  necessary  for  him 
to  extend  credit  as  actual  money  was  very 
scarce  in  those  times.  But  he  knew  his  cus- 
tomers and  rather  encouraged  this  class  of 
business. 

One  season  the  pedlar  made  his  usual 
rounds,  did  a  considerable  credit  business,  de- 
livering his  goods  as  usual  and — was  never 
seen  again. 

The  farmers  who  had  provided  themselves 
with  funds  to  settle  their  accounts  could  not 
understand  the  case.  The  pedlar  was  appar- 
ently the  last  man  of  their  acquaintance  to 
neglect  his  collections.  Time  passed,  the  year 
rolled  around  and  nothing  was  heard.  It  was 
indeed  a  mystery. 

One  day  a  marvelous  story  went  the  rounds. 
A  well-known  young  man  announced  that  he 
could  keep  his  secret  no  longer.  He  had  a 
confession  to  make. 

He  said  that  about  the  time  of  the  pedlar's 
last  visit,  returning  home  one  evening,  he  had 
overtaken  two  men  on  a  lonely  road  through 

[147] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  woods  who  were  carrying  a  heavy  burden 
wrapped  in  a  blanket.  Finding  they  were 
discovered  the  men  had  required  him,  on 
penalty  of  death,  to  help  them  bury  a  man's 
body.  It  was  the  pedlar. 

Pressed  for  details  as  to  the  identity  of  the 
probable  murderers,  he  named  two  well-known 
business  men  of  a  nearby  town  who  pre- 
sumably, tempted  by  the  large  sums  of  money 
habitually  carried  by  the  pedlar,  had  com- 
mitted the  crime. 

The  accused  were  naturally  placed  under 
arrest,  but  their  denials  of  the  crime  were  not 
vehement  as  might  have  been  expected,  but 
were  calmly  contemptuous.  They  arranged 
their  affairs  as  best  they  could  and  settled 
down  to  endure  confinement  in  the  county  jail 
as  patiently  as  possible  until  the  next  session 
of  court.  There  does  not  seem  to  have  been 
any  evidence  to  corroborate  the  testimony  of 
the  principal  witness,  and  when  he  later  ap- 
peared before  the  county  prosecutor  and  told 
him  the  alleged  confession  was  merely  a 
romance  suggested  to  his  mind  through  a 
badly  distorted  sense  of  humor,  there  was 

[148] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

nothing  further   to   be  done   with  the  alleged 
murderers  except  to  release  them. 

While  in  these  latter  days  such  a  hoax  en 
the  authorities  would  likely  prove  unpleasant 
to  the  joker,  he  apparently  escaped  any  leg?' 
penalty.  But  he  found  it  expedient  to  shortr 
leave  the  neighborhood,  as  the  theory  war* 
promptly  advanced  that  the  original  confession 
was  really  justified,  but  that  the  witness  had 
in  some  manner  been  induced  by  the  accused 
parties  to  retract,  probably  by  a  liberal  bribe. 
His  later  prosperity  in  a  large  New  England 
city  was  generally  attributed  to  this  source 
by  censorious  former  neighbors,  although 
others,  probably  better  informed,  were  aware 
that  he  was  a  highly  paid  and  valued  em- 
ployee in  a  large  mercantile  establishment. 

This  would  seem  to  be  the  logical  end  of 
this  narrative,  but  although  the  subsequent 
history  of  the  case  can  be  rather  briefly  told, 
what  has  been  heretofore  stated  is  but  the 
beginning  of  the  story. 

Those  who  had  been  accused  of  the  crime 
did  not  follow  the  example  of  the  unreliable 
witness,  but  remained  to  spend  the  balance 

[149] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

of  their  days  attending  to  their  usual  occu- 
pations in  the  town  where  they  had  lived  so 
long.  One  of  these  men  was  considerably 
older  than  the  other,  and  although  there  had 
been  no  special  intimacy  apparent  between 
the  two  from  year  to  year,  when  the  older 
man  eventually  developed  what  promised  to 
be  a  fatal  illness,  the  other  promptly  gave 
over  his  business  to  a  subordinate  and  took 
up  his  abode  at  the  home  of  the  sick 
man.  Day  after  day,  and  in  fact  night  after 
night,  he  was  always  at  the  invalid's  call 
and  it  was  generally  and  plausibly  reported 
that  no  one  was  left  alone  with  the  sick  man 
from  that  time  until  his  death.  Naturally 
those  who  enjoyed  the  sensational,  imme- 
diately assumed  that  the  attendant  was  afraid 
to  permit  his  former  alleged  associate  in 
crime  any  opportunity  for  private  conversa- 
tion with  others  lest  he  unburden  his  mind 
by  a  confession. 

Enter  the  ghost! 

During  the  last  years  of  the  man  so  care- 
fully watched  by  his  partner,  he  lived  in  a 
large  old-fashioned  house  on  a  back  street, 

[150] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

surrounded  by  ample  grounds.  The  house- 
hold consisted  solely  of  himself  and  an  elderly 
woman  acting  as  a  domestic.  The  man  was 
to  a  considerable  extent  a  recluse,  but  when- 
ever he  had  occasion  to  leave  his  home  after 
nightfall,  which  was  seldom,  his  housekeeper 
would  immediately  make  haste  to  visit  a 
friend.  She  declared  that  nothing  would 
induce  her  to  stay  in  alone  at  night,  be- 
cause of  numerous  uncanny  noises  and  espe- 
cially certain  dismal  groans  proceeding  from 
some  never  fully  revealed  part  of  the 
house.  Coincidentally  with  the  death  of  the 
owner  these  spookish  manifestations  ceased. 
Many  long  years  have  passed  since  that  time 
and  the  house  is  still  standing  in  good  pres- 
ervation. It  has  been  occupied  by  different 
families  during  this  time  and  only  the  oldest 
inhabitants  remember  that  at  one  time  it  was 
regarded  as  harboring  a  ghost. 

All  the  actors  in  this  tragedy  or  comedy 
have  long  since  passed  away,  but  the  legend 
persists  as  one  of  the  most  unique  old-time 
mysteries  of  New  England. 

[151] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  skeptical  reader  might  easily  dismiss 
the  foregoing  history  as  being  in  all  prob- 
ability the  result  of  too  much  imagination  and 
rural  credulity,  but  those  who  vouch  for 
another  story  of  "hants"  are  still  living  and 
their  testimony  is  absolutely  beyond  question. 

The  Sudden  Discontinuance  of  the 
"Spirit  Raps" 

A  young  couple  with  an  infant  child  occu- 
pied a  typical  New  England  house  located 
on  a  thriving  farm.  The  house  was  in  a 
good  state  of  preservation  and  the  residents 
were  healthy  and  normal  in  every  respect. 
Their  sleeping  room,  however,  became  widely 
noted  among  their  acquaintances.  It  was 
fairly  infested  with  "spirit  raps." 

The  exhibit  was  usually  about  as  follows: 
Soon  after  retiring  and  while  perhaps  getting 
into  the  drowsy  stage  that  borders  upon 
dreamland,  a  series  of  raps  would  suddenly 
start  on  the  ceiling  and  pass  diagonally 
across  the  room.  After  moving  from  the 
farthest  corner  the  raps  would  gradually 
seem  to  come  down  the  wall  at  the  head  of 

[152] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

the  bed,  at  which  point  raps  would  be  heard 
on  the  wooden  headboard  and  upon  the  pil- 
lows. This  occurred  on  numerous  occasions 
and  became  quite  a  nuisance. 

One  evening  the  young  couple  went  to  bed 
unusually  fatigued  from  a  hard  day's  ex- 
ertions. Just  as  they  settled  down  to  sleep, 
the  raps  started  in  louder  than  usual.  Ex- 
asperated by  these  unwelcome  noises,  the 
husband  suddenly  expressed  his  mind.  He 
told  his  wife  that  he  wished  those  certain 
kind  of  spirits  would  go  back  to  Hades 
where  they  came  from  and  let  him  sleep. 

It  was  not  surprising  that  he  should  have 
lost  patience,  but  it  was  surprising  that  the 
raps  did  then  and  there  cease,  never  again 
to  be  heard. 


Another  old-time  story  of  the  mysterious 
was  told  by  a  young  woman  whose  Puritanic 
regard  for  strict  veracity  was  almost  a  joke 
to  her  friends. 


[153] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Supernatural  Illumination 

With  her  young  child  in  the  cradle,  she 
was  sitting  in  the  early  evening  in  a  room 
which  looked  out  upon  an  open  space  of 
ground  including  the  driveway.  Save  for  the 
child,  she  was  absolutely  alone  in  the  house. 
It  was  a  very  thick,  starless  night,  threaten- 
ing rain.  At  her  back  as  she  sat  in  the 
darkness,  resting  from  her  labors  and  think- 
ing that  she  must  get  a  light  and  do  some 
sewing,  there  was  a  window  almost  entirely 
hidden  by  vines  which  were  allowed  to  shade 
that  part  of  the  room,  there  being  other 
windows  to  furnish  light. 

Suddenly  there  flashed  on  the  wall  before 
her  a  bright  reflection  of  the  vine-covered 
window,  the  frame  standing  out  clear  and 
distinct  as  though  there  were  no  vines  at 
all.  She  looked  at  this  reflection  with  great 
astonishment  a  moment,  sprang  to  her  feet, 
opened  the  door  and  started  out  on  the 
porch  which  commanded  a  complete  view  of 
the  entire  front  of  the  house  and  the  open 
field  beyond.  There  was  not  a  sound  nor  a 

[154] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

sign  of  anybody  abroad.  It  is  asked  in  the 
Scriptures  if  a  woman  can  forget  her  suck- 
ing child,  but  in  this  instance  she  could,  for 
she  ran  down  the  road  like  a  wild  thing  to 
a  nearby  house,  where  she  secured  the  com- 
panionship and  moral  support  of  a  kindly  old 
woman,  and  returned  for  the  protection  of 
her  sleeping  infant. 

To  the  present  generation  these  tales  of 
the  supernatural  would  be  generally  regarded 
as  rubbish.  Those  who  lived  in  years  of 
maturity  a  half  century  ago  would  hardly  be 
inclined  to  so  classify  them.  On  the  con- 
trary, they  would  regard  them  as  unsolved 
mysteries  existing  at  the  time,  often  amusing 
and  seldom  terrifying.  Let  those  of  that  era  be 
the  judges. 


[155] 


CHAPTER  VIII 
TALES  OF  RURAL  LAWYERS  AND  THE  COURTS 

THE  fact  that  there  are  many  amusing 
fiascoes  in  running  through  the  regular  grist 
of  rural  court  cases  should  not  in  any  way 
reflect  upon  the  personnel  of  the  members 
of  the  legal  bar.  The  section  in  which  most 
of  the  following  incidents  occurred  has  been 
noted  for  a  century  for  the  exceptional  ability 
and  commanding  personality  of  its  lawyers. 
But  any  attorney  engaged  in  general  law 
practice  is  continually  turning  up  something 
which,  if  commonly  known,  would  be  regarded 
as  ranking  high  in  the  field  of  humor. 

An  attorney,  who  during  his  career  became 
widely  known  throughout  the  country  in  gen- 
eral, was  for  a  long  time  active  in  practice 
as  a  country  lawyer  in  a  little  town.  No 
case  was  too  great  or  too  little  to  command 
his  attention. 

The  Litigating  Horse  Dealer 

Among  his  clients  was  a  farmer  who  was 
also  engaged  in  horse  trading.  It  might 

[156] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

perhaps  be  said  that  horse  trading  was  his 
principal  occupation.  This  man  was  an  en- 
thusiast. Any  horse  he  happened  to  own 
was  a  living  wonder.  He  sold  horses,  but 
most  generally  his  method  was  to  exchange 
his  own  for  some  other  horse,  each  of  the 
parties  of  the  trade  trusting  to  their  wits  to 
get  the  better  of  the  other. 

As  this  man,  whose  first  name  was  Oliver, 
was  extremely  fluent  regarding  the  merits  of 
his  horses,  there  were  frequent  cases  in 
which  the  party  of  the  second  part  was  dis- 
appointed. When  the  new  owner  would  com- 
pare the  horse  itself  as  revealed  to  him  by 
actual  contact  and  use,  with  the  glowing 
recommendations  of  the  dealer  at  the  time 
the  trade  was  made,  righteous  indignation 
would  often  lead  to  a  demand  for  satisfac- 
tion. In  such  cases  he  would  receive  no 
consideration  whatever  and  if  he  had  the 
real  genuine  spunk  of  the  period,  he  would 
engage  a  lawyer  and  begin  legal  proceedings 
at  once. 

This  was  at  a  time  when  petty  litigation 
was  extremely  frequent  and  encouraged  by 

[157] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  legal  profession.  Pacifists  were  not  in 
fashion  and  those  who  were  too  dignified  to 
settle  disputes  with  their  fists,  would  main- 
tain their  self-respect  by  starting  a  lawsuit. 
This  class  of  court  cases  is  pretty  gen- 
erally frowned  upon  at  present,  as  the  stand- 
ards of  the  legal  profession  have  advanced 
steadily  the  past  century,  maintaining  a  close 
parallel  with  the  similar  ethical  development 
of  the  medical  profession. 

When  Oliver  became  involved  in  one  of 
these  occasional  disputes,  he  would  promptly 
refer  the  matter  to  his  attorney,  who  gen- 
erally managed  to  extricate  him  from  even 
the  most  unpleasant  situation.  There  was 
one  occasion,  however,  when  this  eminent 
attorney  was  almost  inclined  not  to  act. 

After  an  unusually  successful  horse  trade, 
Oliver  one  day  appeared  at  his  attorney's 
office  with  a  rather  grave  face. 

"Saul,"  said  he,  "I  traded  horses  with  a 
man  over  on  Scrabble  Hill  and  he  is  all 
stirred  up  about  it.  He  has  put  the  matter 
in  his  lawyer's  hands  and  thinks  he  is  going 

[158] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

to  be  able  to  make  out  a  strong  case.  What 
do  you  think  I  better  do  about  it?" 

The  lawyer  regarded  the  matter  calmly. 
It  was  hardly  necessary  to  ask  any  questions. 
The  details  of  such  transactions  were  apt  to 
bear  a  strong  similarity  in  different  trades. 

"What  can  you  prove?"  he  asked. 

"Hang  it!  Saul!"  said  Oliver.  "It  isn't  a 
question  of  what  I  can  prove;  it  is  what  I 
have  to  prove." 

The  attorney,  therefore,  although  not  espe- 
cially edified  at  this  kind  of  professional 
routine,  proceeded  to  give  Oliver  an  outline 
of  the  kind  of  testimony  that  he  should  be 
able  to  produce  to  offset  the  righteous  claims 
of  his  opponent.  Tradition  says  that  Oliver 
was  nearly  always  prepared  to  furnish  the 
evidence,  having  some  very  accommodating 
friends  and  neighbors. 

The  Attorney  Who  Scorned  Divorce 
Business 

In  a  certain  locality  in  northern  New  Eng- 
land there  was  a  journeyman  tinsmith  who 
was  nearing  his  thirtieth  birthday.  This 

[159] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE    LORE 

young  man,  although  possessed  of  much  natural 
wit  and  ingenuity  in  argument,  had  never 
exhibited  any  desire  to  better  his  position. 
A  young  girl,  of  seventeen  or  eighteen  years, 
aroused  his  ambition  and  he  decided  to  study 
law.  His  mind  absorbed  information  like  a 
sponge,  and  by  teaching  school  during  the  day 
and  studying  at  night,  he  was  able  to  prepare 
himself  for  what  proved  to  be  a  very  satisfac- 
tory examination  for  admission  to  the  bar.  His 
success  was  immediate.  Marrying  the  girl  who 
had  inspired  him  to  a  higher  walk  in  life,  he  be- 
came a  brilliant  figure  in  the  legal  annals  of  this 
period. 

At  the  height  of  his  career  his  wife  died, 
and  just  as  he  had  never  manifested  the 
slightest  interest  in  any  other  girl  prior  to 
his  marriage,  he  was  equally  indifferent  to 
all  other  women  after  the  death  of  his  wife. 
But  apparently  to  overcome  moments  of 
black  depression  which  assailed  him  out  of 
business  hours,  because  of  his  tense  grief  at 
the  loss  of  his  wife,  he  gradually  acquired 
intemperate  habits.  Then  followed  a  strange 
record  for  a  thoroughly  modern  court,  of  fre- 

[160] 


A  TYPICAL  NEW   ENGLAND  ELM 


THE    TONIC   OF    YANKEE   HUMOR 

quent  cases  called  in  their  regular  order, 
quietly  transferred  further  down  the  docket 
list,  because  of  the  murmured  report  of  some 
tipstaff  to  the  judge  that  "Jim,"  who  was  to 
try  the  case,  was  temporarily  incapacitated. 
Such  was  the  personal  regard  in  which  this 
man  was  held  that  there  seldom  was  an  in- 
stance where  an  opposing  attorney  made  any 
objection. 

Not  inconsistent  with  the  foregoing  history, 
was  the  absolute  refusal  of  this  lawyer  to 
ever  have  anything  to  do  with  divorce  prac- 
tice. Knowing  his  contempt  for  that  class  of 
law  business,  an  elderly  man  one  day  climbed 
his  office  stairs  and  appeared  before  the  emi- 
nent lawyer.  There  ensued  a  conversation 
about  as  follows: 

"Jim,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "I  have 
come  to  see  if  I  can't  engage  you  to  help  me 
get  a  divorce  from  my  wife." 

The  lawyer  glared  at  him  and  then  detect- 
ing a  humorous  twinkle  in  the  old  man's  eyes, 

"How  long  have  you  been  married?"  said  he. 

"Fifty-two  years,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 


11 


[161] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

Lighting  a  fresh  cigar  from  the  stump  of 
an  old  one,  as  he  was  almost  a  continuous 
smoker,  the  lawyer  promptly  dismissed  the 
matter. 

"No,  sir;  I  shall  not  undertake  to  get  a 
divorce  for  you.  But  you  may  go  home  and 
tell  your  wife  that  if  she  wants  a  divorce,  I 
will  be  glad  to  act  for  her  and  it  won't 
cost  her  a  penny." 

The  early  history  of  a  certain  state  was 
associated  with  considerable  difficulty  in  estab- 
lishing a  distinct  separate  existence.  The 
early  settlers  therefore  became  unusually  well 
informed  in  the  general  principles  of  the  juris- 
prudence of  that  period.  Naturally  they  did 
not  allow  much  time  to  pass  after  their  state 
organization  was  assured,  before  establishing 
a  system  of  county  courts. 

The  Murderer  Who  Was  Not  There 
That  Day 

In  one  of  the  counties  there  was  all  the 
machinery  for  carrying  on  a  considerable 
court  business,  but  affairs  were  so  exception- 

[162] 


ally  peaceful  that  there  was  very  little  for  the 
court  to  do.  It  was  therefore  a  matter  of 
pride  to  the  inhabitants  of  that  county  when 
it  became  necessary  to  try  a  real  red-handed 
murderer. 

The  judge  had  little,  if  any,  experience  in 
murder  trials,  and  felt  the  importance  of  the 
occasion  quite  seriously.  There  was  great 
general  interest  during  the  trial  and  the  court 
room  was  packed.  At  last  the  case  was  ready 
for  the  jury  which  filed  out,  soon  returning 
with  the  verdict  of  guilty.  The  judge  arose 
and  directed  the  prisoner  to  stand  before 
him. 

"Prisoner  at  the  bar,"  said  he.  "You  have 
been  tried  by  a  jury  of  your  peers,  and  let 
us  hope,  superiors,  and  have  been  found  guilty 
of  the  crime  charged  against  you.  I  there- 
fore sentence  you,  etc.,  etc.,"  repeating  the 
usual  formula,  of  which  the  substance  was 
that  he  should  be  hanged  early  in  the  spring 
following  the  present  session  of  court,  which 
was  in  the  late  autumn.  Then  recollecting 
himself,  he  said  to  the  prisoner: 

"Is  there  any  reason  why  the  sentence 
should  not  be  imposed  upon  you?" 

[163] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  prisoner  who  had  assumed  a  bored 
attitude  throughout  the  entire  trial,  manifested 
but  languid  interest. 

"I  dunno  as  I  have  anything  to  say,  except 
that  I  don't  expect  to  be  there  that  day." 

He  was  not  there  that  day.  The  jail  was 
a  ramshackle  affair  at  best  and  the  prisoner, 
after  apparently  enjoying  the  hospitality  of  the 
county  during  the  extreme  cold  months  of  the 
winter,  made  his  getaway  a  week  or  two  be- 
fore the  date  set  for  his  execution,  and  was 
never  heard  from  again. 

Perhaps  at  no  time  in  the  history  of  a  cer- 
tain rural  valley  was  the  legal  profession 
more  appreciated  than  it  was  following  a 
public  hearing  to,  if  possible,  determine  who 
was  responsible  for  an  epidemic  of  incendiary 
fires. 

A  Celebrated  Arson  Case 

Within  a  relatively  few  weeks,  several  sets 
of  unusually  fine  farm  buildings  were  one 
after  another  destroyed  by  fire.  There  was 
an  incipient  reign  of  terror  developing.  Farm- 

[164] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

ers  all  began  to  wonder  who  would  be  the 
next  victim  and  little  else  was  talked  about 
in  local  gatherings. 

Another  fire  occurred,  and  it  was  decided 
that  something  must  be  done.  Finally  a  pub- 
lic hearing  was  announced  to  take  place  at  an 
early  date  and  an  attorney  who  lived  about 
ten  miles  distant  was  induced  to  act  as 
interrogator. 

On  the  appointed  date  the  hall  was  filled 
to  overflowing  as  few  who  were  anywhere 
within  the  radius  of  the  fire  zone,  considered 
it  wise  to  remain  away.  One  by  one  those 
who  had  been  in  attendance  at  the  various 
fires  were  called  upon  to  give  their  testimony. 
Finally  a  young  man  was  summoned  to  the 
stand  who  it  transpired  had  been  present  at 
every  fire.  The  attorney  who  conducted  the 
interrogation  was  a  noted  cross-examiner.  It 
seemed  unusual  to  him  that  the"  witness  before 
him  should  have  found  it  convenient  to  be 
practically  the  first  man  at  every  one  of  the 
fires.  His  manner,  however,  was  friendly  and 
reassuring  and  he  asked  a  great  many  ques- 
tions. Within  fifteen  minutes  the  audience 

[165] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

were  looking  at  each  other  and  nodding  their 
heads. 

"He's  got  the  right  man,"  was  the  verdict. 

The  attorney,  however,  was  too  discreet  to 
indulge  in  any  dramatic  accusations.  He  dis- 
missed the  witness  in  the  blandest  manner, 
after  which  the  hearing  was  halted  and  a  dis- 
cussion among  leading  citizens  took  place.  An 
elderly  man  of  considerable  force  and  per- 
sonality was  deputized  to  have  a  quiet  con- 
versation with  the  young  man  who  had  just 
been  cross-examined.  The  result  in  less  than 
half  an  hour  was  a  complete  confession.  The 
epidemic  of  fires  was  over. 

It  seemed  that  the  guilty  man  had  at  the 
beginning  yielded  to  an  impulse  to  touch  a 
match  to  a  lock  of  hay  which  he  saw  pro- 
truding from  a  barn  in  the  outskirts  of  the 
village.  The  resultant  fire  and  excitement 
were  apparently  too  much  for  a  brain  never 
any  too  well  balanced.  He  found  the  diver- 
sion caused  by  these  fires  necessary  to  his 
existence.  He  was  sentenced  for  a  long  term 
and  died  in  the  penitentiary. 

[166] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

The  years  following  the  Civil  War  were 
productive  of  a  certain  type  of  attorneys  who 
were  more  effective  with  the  juries  of  that 
period  than  they  are  apt  to  be  at  present. 
They  cultivated  eloquence  to  the  limit  of  their 
abilities.  An  attorney  who  had  been  an  officer 
in  the  Civil  War  acquired  quite  a  reputation 
as  a  spectacular  pleader.  Especially  if  an  old 
soldier  was  in  any  way  involved  in  the  case, 
his  oratory  reached  unusual  heights. 

The  Attorney  Who  Justified  "Assault 
and  Battery" 

'An  old  veteran  of  two  or  three  wars  was 
on  trial  at  the  county  court  for  some  form 
of  physical  assault.  Ordinarily  harmless,  this 
old  chap  would  become  very  pugnacious  at 
times,  especially  when  under  the  influence  of 
certain  fluids.  In  this  case  he  had  done  con- 
siderable damage  to  the  personal  appearance 
of  someone  in  about  his  own  walk  in  life  and 
of  whom  he  did  not  approve.  The  aggrieved 
party  engaged  a  lawyer  who  succeeded  in 
having  the  case  put  upon  the  court  calendar 
for  jury  trial. 

[167] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  evidence  was  very  damaging  to  the  old 
veteran  and  as  there  seemed  to  be  no  good 
reason  why  he  should  not  be  taught  a  lesson, 
a  term  in  jail  seemed  extremely  imminent, 
until  the  attorney  for  the  defense,  the  officer 
above  referred  to,  began  his  argument. 

The  lawyer  was  named  Johnson,  and  after 
making  the  usual  rambling  introduction,  grad- 
ually entered  upon  a  lofty  train  of  thought. 
He  pictured  the  hero  of  the  two  wars  as  a 
man  to  whom  the  entire  community  was  in- 
debted, and  pointed  out  the  fact  that  even  his 
principal  weakness  for  strong  drink  was  the 
result  of  his  big  heartedness  and  fraternal 
spirit.  Proceeding  with  this  line  of  argument 
he  succeeded  in  convincing  the  intelligent  jury 
that  a  man  who  objected  to  being  battered 
and  bruised  by  such  a  hero  was  not  only  a 
poor  loser  but  a  pretty  cheap  sort  of  man 
generally.  The  result  was  a  verdict  of  "not 
guilty." 

The  old  veteran  was  overwhelmed  with  ad- 
miration for  his  lawyer's  ability  and  his 
enthusiasm  promptly  found  expression. 

Turning  to  his  wife,  a  withered  up  old 
woman  of  about  his  own  age,  he  said; 

[168] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

"Hurrah!  We  can  now  go  home  and  if 
we  ever  have  a  boy,  we  will  name  him 
Thomas  V.  Johnson." 

The  Lawyer  Who  Was  Going  to  "Get 
Over  It" 

An  attorney  of  unquestioned  ability  had  but 
one  failing  and  one  which  was  far  too  com- 
mon among  the  legal  profession  years  ago. 
He  was  a  periodic.  At  such  times  his 
naturally  acute  business  judgment  would  be- 
come rather  unstable.  Like  numerous  other 
lawyers  of  that  period,  "Wad,"  as  he  was 
generally  known  among  his  friends,  did  some 
insurance  business  as  a  side  line. 

"Wad"  was  elected  to  the  legislature  and 
immediately  took  a  prominent  place.  He  was 
an  able  debater  and  fluent  speaker  and  ex- 
ceedingly popular.  Coming  to  the  capital  city 
from  a  week  end  trip  to  his  home,  it  was 
immediately  evident  that  he  had  been  in- 
dulging a  little  too  much. 

Soon  after  his  return  on  this  occasion  Wad 
wended  his  way  to  a  certain  insurance  office 
to  make  a  series  of  settlements  for  collections 

[169] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

he  had  made  in  his  home  town.  As  soon  as 
the  treasurer  saw  him  he  recognized  the 
situation,  but  being  personally  fond  of  the 
man,  he  hoped  to  get  through  with  the  mat- 
ter without  any  complications. 

It  soon  became  apparent,  however,  that 
Wad  was  in  no  condition  to  settle  any  ac- 
counts. The  problems  of  addition  and  sub- 
traction were  entirely  too  much  for  him.  The 
treasurer  watched  with  mingled  sympathy  and 
contempt  his  impotent  efforts  to  group  the 
necessary  figures,  but  finally  lost  patience. 

"You  come  in  some  other  time,  Wad,"  said 
he.  "There  is  no  hurry.  You  can  just  as 
well  settle  this  matter  some  other  time." 

The  attorney  paid  absolutely  no  attention  to 
this  suggestion  and  continued  his  erratic  tussle 
with  the  illusive  figures.  The  treasurer  who 
was  extremely  busy  that  day,  and  a  model  of 
methodical  precision  in  business  details,  was 
thoroughly  disgusted. 

"Wad,"  said  he,  "you're  in  no  condition  to 
do  business  today.  You're  drunk.  Come  in 
when  you  get  sober  and  we  will  settle." 

[170] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

The  exaggerated  dignity  of  the  man  "under 
the  influence"  immediately  asserted  itself. 

"Yes,  I'm  drunk  and  you're  a  d d  fool; 

I  shall  get  over  it  and  you  won't !" 

The  small  town  which  may  perhaps  chiefly 
by  reason  of  geographical  location  be  the 
county  seat,  always  livens  up  when  the  county 
court  is  in  session.  There  are  always  a  few 
cases  sufficiently  unique  to  arouse  general  in- 
terest. But  there  were  real  thrills  at  a  cer- 
tain court  on  one  occasion  because  of  the 
approaching  trial  of  a  real  genuine  bank 
robber  who  had  been  apprehended  after  he 
had  committed  a  real  crime.  The  community 
seemed  to  some  of  the  inhabitants  to  be  get- 
ting thoroughly  up  to  date. 

The  Story  of  the  Wily  Bank  Robber 

The  prisoner  was  an  up-to-date  crook  with- 
out a  doubt.  He  was  a  professional  and 
wanted  elsewhere,  but  the  court  in  question 
was  permitted  to  have  the  glory  of  "sending 
him  over  the  road." 

[171] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  trial  was  a  perfunctory  affair,  and 
aside  from  the  testimony,  which  was  some- 
what exciting  in  spots,  there  was  nothing  to 
provide  any  special  entertainment  for  spec- 
tators. The  prisoner  was  sentenced  for  a 
term  of  years,  and  remanded  to  the  county 
jail  to  await  the  convenience  of  the  sheriff 
before  being  taken  to  the  penitentiary  in 
another  town. 

The  session  of  court  ended  shortly  after, 
and  there  was  no  further  cause  for  delay  in 
placing  the  prisoner  where  he  could  put  on 
the  stripes.  Arrangements  for  transfer  were 
made  to  take  place  on  a  certain  nearby  day. 

At  the  county  jail  it  had  been  noted  that 
the  prisoner  had  been  very  much  cast  down 
by  his  conviction.  He  was  listless,  showing 
little  desire  for  food  and  was  extremely  pale. 
Before  the  day  set  for  his  removal  it  became 
a  question  whether  he  would  long  be  able  to 
make  the  journey.  It  was  therefore  decided 
to  remove  him  at  once. 

Accompanied  by  the  sheriff,  the  prisoner, 
properly  handcuffed,  was  taken  to  the  train, 
which  after  a  few  miles,  was  to  pass  through 

[172] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

a  stretch  of  mountain  timberland  and  on  a 
heavy  grade.  As  the  train  was  approaching 
this  wilderness,  the  prisoner  requested  permis- 
sion of  the  sheriff  to  go  to  the  wash  room. 
His  mildness  and  apparent  natural  amiability 
together  with  his  extraordinary  weakness  had 
aroused  the  personal  sympathy  of  the  sheriff. 
So  he  promptly  removed  his  handcuffs  and 
granted  his  desire,  taking  his  own  stand  by 
the  door,  according  to  custom.  On  the  heavy 
grade  the  train  naturally  went  slowly.  The 
prisoner  had  slipped  the  bolt  as  he  went  in 
and  nothing  further  being  heard  from  him 
the  sheriff  rapped  on  the  door.  There  was  no 
response.  After  a  few  such  attempts  to 
arouse  the  prisoner  who  had  apparently  fainted 
from  weakness,  it  was  decided  to  force  an 
entrance.  As  may  be  naturally  expected,  the 
window  was  open  and  the  prisoner  was  gone. 
The  train  was  halted  and  an  immediate  search 
was  made  and  the  alarm  spread  far  and 
wide.  Nothing  was  ever  heard  of  the  prisoner 
again. 

The  mystery  of  the  sudden  extreme  pallor 
and  weakness  was  soon  afterwards  solved.     A 

[173] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

search  of  the  cell  recently  occupied  by  the 
prisoner  disclosed  a  couple  of  wads  of  so- 
called  fine  cut  chewing  tobacco  which  those 
wise  in  criminal  annals  promptly  connected 
with  the  escape.  The  prisoner  had  bound 
these  wads  of  tobacco  under  his  arm  pits  and 
it  was  the  absorption  of  nicotine  thus  result- 
ing which,  theoretically  at  least,  had  produced 
the  symptoms  which  had  so  aroused  the  sym- 
pathies of  the  sheriff. 

The  Legend  of  the  Pine  Tree 

The  fondness  for  litigation,  especially  among 
certain  farmers  in  olden  times,  became  almost  a 
monomania  in  some  instances.  For  many 
years  there  resided  in  a  tumble-down  house 
on  a  little  farm,  a  man  who  with  his  wife 
was  perhaps  as  near  an  approach  to  poor 
mountain  white  as  can  be  found  in  the  New 
England  states.  And  yet  the  story  had  it 
that  he  had  at  one  time  been  a  prosperous 
farmer  in  one  of  the  most  fertile  valleys  of 
his  state. 

According  to  the  legend  this  man  and  a 
neighbor  became  involved  in  a  dispute  as  to 

[174] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

the  possession  of  a  certain  large  and  lofty 
pine  tree  situated  on  the  boundary  line  of  the 
two  farms.  The  quarrel  eventually  developed 
into  a  lawsuit  which  was  continued  from 
term  to  term  by  well-known  dilatory  tactics 
of  that  period.  Each  of  the  parties  in  the 
dispute  had  employed  able  legal  counsel.  Event- 
ually both  of  the  farmers  became  bankrupt 
after  exhausting  their  means  in  continuing 
the  legal  struggle. 

The  Man  Who  Wanted  to  be  "Sociable" 

In  another  instance  a  man  possessed  of  the 
same  mania  for  legal  contest  had  gradually 
seen  his  property  absorbed  by  a  capable  law- 
yer. To  him  he  always  referred  his  numer- 
ous disputes.  When  the  aggressive  litigant 
was  unable  to  pay  money,  the  attorney  would 
arrange  for  settlement  by  note.  The  notes 
were  transferred  into  a  mortgage  and  finally 
the  mortgage  was  foreclosed. 

At  the  general  windup  of  affairs  certain 
farm  animals,  which  were  a  part  of  the  few 
visible  assets  remaining,  were  sold  at  auction. 
It  might  be  expected  that  the  belligerent  lover 

[175] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

of  lawsuits  would  have  been  somewhat  cast 
down  under  those  circumstances.  But  he  was 
game. 

At  one  time,  however,  it  became  necessary 
for  the  auctioneer  to  admonish  the  man  who, 
although  afflicted  with  an  impediment  of  speech, 
was  seen  to  be  in  earnest  conversation  with 
a  prospective  bidder.  It  was  assumed  by  the 
auctioneer  that  he  was  giving  out  tips  as  to 
which  cows  about  to  be  sold  were  most  de- 
sirable. In  an  aggressive  tone,  calculated  to 
be  heard  by  all  present,  the  auctioneer  called 
out: 

"Look  here,  Mr.  Thomas!  You  keep  your 
ideas  about  these  cows  to  yourself !" 

The  old  man  turned  about  to  look  at  the 
auctioneer  a  moment,  then  with  a  whimsical 
glance  at  the  spectators  stuttered  out  his  re- 
sponse as  follows: 

"D d dammit;  can't  a  m m 

m man  be  sociable?" 


[176] 


CHAPTER  IX 

SOME  EXPERIENCES  OF  THE  YANKEE 
TRAVELING  SALESMAN 

WHEN  it  gradually  dawned  upon  the  coun- 
try merchant  that  by  dealing  via  the  mails 
with  responsible  wholesalers  and  jobbers  of  the 
cities,  it  might  not  be  necessary  for  him  to 
spend  a  week  or  two  several  times  a  year 
going  to  "market,"  it  incidentally  became  ap- 
parent to  the  wholesalers  and  jobbers  in 
question  that  it  might  not  be  a  bad  idea  to 
visit  the  merchant  in  his  own  store  and 
stimulate  his  ambition  to  try  out  new  goods 
of  new  styles  and  designs.  The  result  was 
the  development  of  a  very  unique  type,  the 
traveling  salesman  or  "drummer." 

Perhaps  the  most  conspicuous  of  these  tour- 
ists was  the  grocery  salesman.  It  was  neces- 
sary for  him  to  interview  his  trade  about 
every  thirty  days  in  order  to  keep  designing 
rivals  from  stealing  away  his  customers.  As 
there  was  a  profit  in  the  business,  the  number 
of  wholesale  houses  increased,  and  likewise  the 
12  [177] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

number  of  their  representatives.  There  grad- 
ually developed  a  very  intense  competition  for 
all  kinds  of  trade. 

The  commercial  traveler  was  necessarily  a 
man  of  optimism  and  usually  endowed  with  a 
capacity  to  endure  much  physical  fatigue.  It 
was  lively  work  covering  a  good,  fair  sized 
territory  every  thirty  days.  Naturally  it  be- 
came increasingly  difficult  for  a  novice  to 
establish  himself  in  the  face  of  such  intense 
competition. 

The  Hopeful  Young  Beginner 

A  young  man  who  had  acquired  roseate 
views  of  the  possibilities  of  making  a  fortune 
as  a  grocery  salesman,  started  out  to  cover 
a  new  route.  Visiting  a  group  of  towns  in 
a  certain  state,  he  found  the  merchants  were 
all  exceptionally  well  supplied  with  everything 
he  himself  had  to  offer,  but  with  courage 
unabated  he  kept  on,  believing  that  when  he 
arrived  at  a  nearby  thriving  town  with  sev- 
eral active  dealers,  his  luck  would  change. 

Reaching  this  town  on  a  late  afternoon 
train,  he  hastened  to  the  most  prosperous 

[178] 


THE   TONIC   OF    YANKEE   HUMOR 

grocery  store.  The  proprietor  was  just  about 
to  leave  the  store  to  "go  to  supper."  He, 
however,  paused  to  listen  with  a  wearied  air 
while  the  young  man  introduced  himself,  ex- 
plaining that  he  expected  to  travel  over  that 
territory  every  four  weeks  from  that  time  on 
and  hoped  to  be  able  to  serve  him.  The  mer- 
chant finally  spoke: 

"You  say  you  expect  to  come  here  once  a 
month?" 

"I  do,"  was  the  hopeful  reply. 

"Well,"  said  the  merchant,  with  a  twinkle 
in  his  eye.  "I  think  you  ought  to  do  well; 
there  have  only  been  thirteen  grocery  drum- 
mers here  today." 

The  young  man's  enthusiasm  was  somewhat 
dampened. 

One  of  the  bugbears  of  the  New  England 
traveling  salesman  who  must  cover  his  route 
at  frequent  intervals,  is  the  midwinter  bliz- 
zard. It  often  requires  a  good  many  card 
games  to  fill  in  the  waits.  These  episodes  are 
not  without  amusing  details,  but  one  of  these 
unwelcome  events  developed  little  that  was 
humorous. 

[179] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Sick  Engineer  in  the  Next  Room 

Late  one  winter  afternoon,  two  salesmen 
left  a  nice  comfortable  hotel  in  a  little  town 
because  the  path  of  duty  led  them  to  take  a 
narrow  gauge  road  up  into  the  mountains.  It 
was  getting  dark,  had  been  snowing  heavily 
all  day  and  the  wind  was  just  beginning  to 
take  part  in  the  program,  frisking  the  feathery 
snow,  here  and  there,  just  to  show  what  an 
innocent  thing  a  winter  breeze  can  be.  But 
when  the  train  had  gotten  out  of  the  way 
from  the  valley  town  and  was  making  its 
laborious  way  up  a  steep  grade  into  the 
mountains,  the  real  force  of  the  wind  began 
to  be  apparent.  The  cars  would  rock  back 
and  forth  on  their  narrow  carriages,  but  as 
there  was  no  record  that  they  had  ever  act- 
ually capsized,  everything  was  cheerful  enough 
in  the  smoking  car.  After  a  few  miles, 
progress  began  to  be  very  slow,  as  drifts  had 
accumulated  on  the  track.  Finally  a  trainman 
came  through  and  said  that  "]im"  was  in 
mighty  bad  shape  and  he  didn't  know  whether 
he  could  stick  it  out  to  the  end  of  the  line  or 

[180] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

not.  Certain  questioning  brought  out  the  fact 
that  "Jim"  was  the  engineer  who  had  a  high 
fever  and  was  almost  delirious.  The  air  be- 
came colder  and  colder  and  the  wind  increased. 
After  several  hours,  however,  the  short  run  of 
thirty  miles  was  accomplished  and  the  two 
travelers  started  for  the  hotel.  It  developed, 
that  the  hotel  was  not  ostensibly  open  for 
business,  the  proprietor  having  become  peeved 
at  repeated  searching  parties  working  in  the 
interest  of  prohibition.  One  of  the  travelers, 
however,  knew  the  ropes  and  led  the  way 
around  through  the  back  kitchen  where  the 
low  browed  graduate  of  a  New  York  dive, 
who  conducted  the  tavern,  was  found  and  he 
reluctantly  agreed  to  provide  rooms,  though 
they  proved  to  be  absolutely  without  heat. 

One  of  the  travelers  immediately  went  to 
bed,  having  the  foresight  to  take  his  fur  coat 
with  him  for  extra  covering,  but  he  did  not 
sleep  well.  The  train  crew  had  succeeded  in 
helping  the  engineer  through  the  drifts  to  the 
hotel  and  established  him  in  a  room  adjoining 
that  of  the  salesman.  The  rooms  were  com- 
municating and  although  the  door  was  closed, 

[181] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

there  was  a  wide  crack  at  the  top.  All  night 
long,  under  the  faithful  administrations  of  the 
local  doctor,  the  heroic  engineer  who  had 
stuck  to  his  post  and  pulled  his  train  through 
under  conditions  that  would  tax  all  the  facul- 
ties of  a  well  man,  was  battling  for  life.  He 
proved  to  have  an  acute  form  of  pneumonia. 
The  night  finally  passed  and  the  salesman  was 
able  to  get  out  of  town  from  which  point  he 
went  to  headquarters  in  a  neighboring  city  to 
report.  A  few  days  later,  being  back  on  the 
job  once  more,  he  saw  a  funeral  cortege 
coming  from  the  railroad  station.  They  were 
carrying  the  body  of  the  engineer. 

To  the  salesman  who  visits  his  trade  at 
frequent  intervals,  life  is  chiefly  made  up  of 
customers  and  hotels.  The  amusing  experi- 
ences which  every  commercial  man  has  are, 
however,  chiefly  associated  with  his  various 
hotel  homes.  To  be  able  to  establish  oneself 
for  the  night  at  a  cozy  hotel  where  it  is 
allowable  to  call  the  clerk  and  the  head  wait- 
ress by  their  first  names,  provides  relief  from 
the  intense  mental  concentration  necessary  in 

[182] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

bringing    various    customers    around    to    the 
salesman's  way  of  thinking. 

What  Happened  in  the  Hotel  Barber 
Shop 

The  salesman  who  takes  frequent  trips  is, 
as  before  stated,  eventually  in  a  position  to 
call  everyone  in  a  hotel  establishment  by  their 
first  names,  the  hotel  barber  being  no  excep- 
tion. One  such  barber  became  very  widely 
known  to  travelers  because  of  his  genial 
qualities  and  quick  wit,  as  well  as  his  efficiency 
in  carrying  on  his  trade.  It  was  only  the 
occasional  visitor  to  his  shop  who  failed  to 
call  him  "Dan." 

"Dan"  not  only  enjoyed  the  popularity  of 
the  traveling  fraternity,  but  was  regarded 
with  high  favor  by  the  prominent  citizens  of 
the  town,  most  of  whom  were  regular  cus- 
tomers. While  the  atmosphere  of  the  barber 
shop  was  cheerful,  "Dan"  was  careful  to  make 
sure  that  there  was  nothing  in  that  same 
atmosphere  that  would  be  in  any  way  offen- 
sive to  his  more  conservative  clientele.  With 
unusual  skill  he  was  able  to  give  his  shop  a 

[183] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

somewhat  clublike  atmosphere  which  of  course 
helped  business. 

One  day  a  very  discordant  element  obtruded 
itself.  A  well-known,  but  not  greatly  admired, 
local  citizen  familiarly  known  to  the  villagers 
as  "Hen"  was  having  one  of  his  periodical 
drinking  spells.  Rambling  about  in  his  cus- 
tomary aimless  manner  under  such  conditions, 
he  suddenly  made  his  appearance  in  the  shop. 
A  bank  president  was  in  the  chair  and  an- 
other well-known  citizen  was  "next." 

"Dan"  gave  a  quick  glance  at  the  intruder, 
who  obviously  had  no  business  purpose  in 
coming  there,  and  detecting  his  condition  at 
once,  he  told  the  inebriate  man  in  bland  but  de- 
cisive terms  that  he  better  move  along.  "Hen" 
was  not  in  a  frame  of  mind  to  be  reasoned 
with  and  showed  no  intention  of  moving  out.  He 
addressed  his  conversation  indiscriminately  to 
all  who  might  be  present,  much  to  their  an- 
noyance. But  "Dan"  was  equal  to  the  emer- 
gency. Suddenly  laying  down  his  razor,  he 
stepped  quickly  to  his  overcoat  which  was 
hanging  on  a  peg  and  took  from  one  of  the 
pockets  a  leather  pipe  case.  Wheeling  about 

[184] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

and  pointing  the  pipe  case  at  this  astonished 
intruder,  he  said: 

"You  get  out  of  here,  quick;  or  I'll  shoot 
you  right  in  your  tracks !" 

"Hen"  was  no  hero,  drunk  or  sober,  and 
he  fled  in  consternation  to  the  other  end  of 
the  village. 

i 

Visiting  the  country  stores  of  New  England 

in  wintertime,  often  provides  startling  con- 
trasts in  the  way  of  hotels.  The  traveler  who 
spends  Tuesday  night  at  a  thoroughly  modern 
commercial  hotel  in  a  town  of  5000  inhabi- 
tants, can  spend  Wednesday  night  in  a  similar 
hotel,  if  he  is  traveling  in  summer  via  auto. 
In  winter,  however,  he  may  find  it  difficult  to 
arrange  for  these  comforts. 

The  Salesman  Who  Was  Given  a 
"Warm  Room" 

A  salesman  for  a  western  firm  who  enjoyed 
the  comforts  of  life,  was  quite  disturbed  one 
evening  to  find  himself  in  a  small  mountain 
village  and  destined  to  stay  over  night  at  an 
old-fashioned  hotel.  This  old-time  tavern  was 

[185] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

one  of  the  oldest  buildings  in  that  section  of 
the  state  and  much  the  oldest  of  all  the  hotels 
of  that  region.  It  was  built  of  brick,  with 
small  windows  and  high  window  sills,  the 
glass  being  small  panes  of  the  Revolutionary 
period.  The  sleeping  rooms  were  but  narrow 
cells  leading  off  from  a  long,  dark  corridor. 

The  outdoor  temperature  was  about  20  de- 
grees below  zero,  and  as  this  hotel  had  no 
steam  heat,  each  room  being,  warmed  sep- 
arately, the  salesman  made  a  very  vigorous 
demand  for  a  fire  in  his  bedroom.  He  was 
promptly  assured  by  the  landlord  that  he 
should  have  a  fire  and  a  warm  room. 

Stopping  at  the  hotel  was  a  traveling  troop 
of  Indian  performers,  the  male  members  of 
which  camped  out  in  the  old-time  dance  hall 
on  the  second  floor.  The  salesman,  who  had 
not  slept  very  well  the  night  before,  went  to 
his  room  early.  He  found  an  old-fashioned 
box  stove  which  was  just  beginning  to  throw 
out  a  genial  heat.  He  felt  very  well  satisfied 
with  himself  that  he  had  made  his  demands 
known. 

With  the  door  closed,  the  temperature  of 
the  small  room  soon  passed  the  genial  stage. 

[186] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

It  became  intense.  The  salesman  therefore 
hastened  to  open  the  window,  believing  that 
a  little  20  degrees  below  zero  air  would  just 
about  balance  the  overtime  efforts  of  the 
stove.  He  found  the  lower  part  of  the  win- 
dow sash  so  thoroughly  fixed  into  a  bed  of 
ice  that  it  was  immovable.  He  therefore  con- 
cluded that  if  he  opened  the  door  into  the 
hall,  it  would  make  things  about  right.  This 
he  accordingly  did  and  went  back  to  bed. 
He  was  just  dozing  over  when  he  heard 
a  rustling  at  the  door.  He  looked  out  into 
the  dimly  lighted  hall  to  see  one  of  the 
"bucks"  belonging  to  the  Indian  encampment 
looking  curiously  into  his  room.  He  therefore 
concluded  that  it  would  be  wiser  to  close  the 
door,  as  his  confidence  in  the  absolute  integ- 
rity of  the  members  of  the  troop  was  not  of 
the  Fenimore  Cooper  type. 

Having  closed'  the  door,  the  salesman  then 
attempted  to  go  to  sleep,  but  it  was  impos- 
sible. He  arose  and  opened  the  stove  door 
and  made  a  careful  study  of  the  contents. 
He  found  a  large  green  chunk  of  wood  well 
coaled  over  and  apparently  capable  of  sustain- 

[187] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

ing  an  abundance  of  heat  during  the  night. 
A  high  pitcher  sitting  in  an  old-fashioned 
bowl  contained  some  water  and  the  luxury 
loving  traveler  succeeded  finally  in  slackening 
the  fire  to  such  an  extent  that  he  was  able 
to  get  several  hours  sleep. 

The  hotel  was  of  very  considerable  interest 
as  a  historical  landmark,  but  it  can  be  taken 
for  granted  that  the  picturesque  history  of 
this  hostelry  was  not  appreciated  by  the  travel- 
ing salesman. 

Modern  conditions  prevail  with  the  country 
hotels  of  northern  New  England  at  present. 
Only  a  few  winters  ago,  however,  a  salesman 
who  opened  a  window  of  his  steam  heated 
sleeping  room  for  air  and  then  woke  up  to 
find  the  faucet  in  his  room  frozen,  was 
promptly  presented  with  a  bill  for  damages 
the  next  morning  by  the  landlord.  It  may  be 
said,  however,  that  this  hotel  is  not  typical. 
There  are  numerous  country  inns  throughout 
New  England  which  are  comfortable  in  the 
coldest  days  in  winter. 

[188] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Story  of  the  Itemized  Expense  Account 

A  veteran  hardware  salesman,  named  Ed 
Stone,  made  two  trips  a  year  among  his 
wide  circle  of  customers.  He  was  genial, 
efficient  and  popular,  and  was  regarded  as  a 
valuable  asset  by  his  employers.  The  oldest 
member  of  the  firm,  quite  well  along  in  years, 
was  very  prone  to  petty  economies.  Looking 
over  some  of  the  travel  accounts  of  several 
salesmen  representing  the  firm,  he  came  to 
the  conclusion  that  it  would  be  well  to  have 
them  itemize  their  expense  accounts.  As  Ed 
happened  to  be  at  the  store,  he  promptly  ad- 
vised him  of  the  new  policy.  The  salesman 
who  knew  the  peculiarities  of  the  old  gentle- 
man, assured  him  that  it  would  be  perfectly 
satisfactory  to  him  to  make  out  a  detailed 
report. 

Starting  out  the  next  week,  about  one  of 
the  first  points  to  be  reached  was  a  small  city 
where  Ed  had  always  been  tolerably  sure  of 
a  big  order.  The  store  was  conducted  by  an 
old-time  merchant  who  had  been  gradually 
pushed  into  the  background  by  his  aggressive 

[189] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

and  far  less  competent  son.  While  there 
were  whispers  that  the  firm  were  heading  in 
the  wrong  direction,  their  credit  was  still 
excellent. 

So  to  the  young  man  of  the  firm,  Ed  ex- 
tended the  fraternal  hand,  but  soon  found 
that  "Tommy,"  the  son,  was  not  in  a  genial 
humor.  Business  was  very  poor,  he  was  told. 
They  had  plenty  of  goods  and  would  skip  the 
usual  spring  order.  Further  parley  seemed  to 
promise  no  results,  "Tommy"  showing  symp- 
toms of  irritability. 

"Well,"  said  Ed,  "I'm  sorry  you  feel  that 
way,  but  I  cannot  see  any  reason  why  you 
should  not  come  down  to  the  hotel  and  have 
supper  with  me  tonight.  Like  enough  we  will 
find  a  couple  of  the  boys  there  and  can  have 
a  game  of  whist." 

After  some  persuasion,  "Tommy"  accepted 
the  invitation,  appearing  at  the  hotel  soon 
after  the  store  closed,  where  he  enjoyed  as 
sumptuous  a  dinner  as  the  ingenuity  of  Ed 
could  devise.  Later  on  they  went  to  Ed's 
room,  but  there  is  no  occasion  for  any  fur- 
ther details,  as  everything  which  transpired 

[190] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

can  readily  suggest  itself  to  any  normal 
imagination  by  the  item  which  appeared  in 
Ed  Stone's  expense  account  for  that  day. 

"February  26th 

To  getting  Tommy  Wilson  into  a  frame 
of  mind  so  that  he  would  order  his  usual 
spring  bill  of  goods $20.00" 

Shortly  afterward  Ed  Stone's  circumlocu- 
tions brought  him  near  enough  to  the  main 
office  so  that  he  ran  in  over  Sunday  and 
handed  his  expense  report  to  the  senior  mem- 
ber of  the  firm.  The  latter  looked  it  over 
with  great  interest  for  a  few  seconds  and 
then  turned  to  Ed: 

"Why,  Mr.  Stone,"  said  he.  "What  does 
this  Wilson  item  mean?" 

Ed  smiled. 

"I  think,"  said  he,  "I'll  have  to  leave  that 
to  your  imagination." 

The  old  man,  who  was  a  good  citizen  and 
a  church  man  in  regular  standing,  swallowed 
hard  and  said: 

"Well!  Well!  I  guess  you  need  not  bother 
to  itemize  your  expense  reports  any  more." 

[191] 


I 
NEW   ENGLAND  JOKE   LORE 

"Two  Barrels" 

A  great  asset  to  the  traveling  salesman  is 
individuality,  especially  if  it  is  of  the  con- 
structive type. 

A  bakery  and  confectionery  firm  had  a  star 
traveling  salesman  who  covered  a  wide  range 
of  territory.  Somewhat  advanced  in  years,  he 
gradually  became  afflicted  with  an  impediment 
in  his  hearing. 

There  is  often  tragedy  in  some  gradually 
developing  infirmity  like  deafness,  but  it  did 
not  prove  necessary  for  the  firm  who  em- 
ployed Henry  S — to  make  any  change.  They 
were  very  well  satisfied  to  let  Henry  stay  on 
the  job  year  after  year,  until  he  became  quite 
an  old  man. 

Henry  always  could  be  depended  upon  to 
get  orders.  Of  course  his  success  in  quite  a 
large  measure  was  due  to  his  friendly  per- 
sonality which  made  him  cordially  received 
wherever  he  went. 

There  are  tricks  in  all  trades  and  Henry 
became  famous  for  one  which  caused  many  a 
smile,  not  only  among  the  storekeepers,  but 
the  traveling  profession  as  well. 

[192] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Whenever  in  doubt,  because  of  defective 
hearing,  Henry  always  assumed  that  his  cus- 
tomer was  talking  business.  A  star  feature 
of  his  line  was  a  certain  brand  of  homemade 
crackers. 

"I  don't  believe  I  need  any  crackers  today, 
Henry,"  said  the  storekeeper,  raising  his  voice. 

"Two  barrels,  did  you  say?"  said  Henry. 

The  merchant  laughed  and  nodded  his  head. 
He  knew  he  could  get  rid  of  them  sooner  or 
later  and  Henry  was  a  thoroughly  good 
fellow. 

The  Old  Man  Who  Was  Inveigled  Into 
a  Poker  Game 

In  a  certain  New  England  town,  two 
hustling  citizens  bought  an  old  hotel  which 
with  certain  renovations  and  alterations,  soon 
became  an  attractive  resort  for  commercial 
men.  And  while  new  customers  flocked  to 
the  old  hotel,  the  old  rural  patrons  also  proved 
loyal  and  the  hotel  did  a  thriving  business. 

One  evening  three  enterprising  commercial 
men  began  looking  about  for  a  fourth  partner 
for  the  purpose  of  going  into  retirement  for 
13  [  193  ] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

a  little  tussle  with  the  god  of  Chance;  in 
other  words,  they  were  to  play  poker.  No 
one  turning  up  to  take  the  fourth  place,  their 
attention  was  called  to  an  elderly  man  with 
white  hair  and  a  long  white  beard,  who 
seemed  to  be  quite  active  for  his  years  and, 
more  as  a  joke  than  anything  else,  they  in- 
vited him  to  take  part  in  the  game.  The  old 
gentleman  in  question  lived  on  a  farm  and 
came  from  a  very  rural  district,  therefore  ac- 
cording to  the  usual  precedents,  he  should  be 
expected  to  gasp  with  horror  at  the  prospect 
of  being  decoyed  into  a  gambling,  game  with 
three  thoroughly  up-to-date  young  travelers. 
Somehow  he  did  not  seem  to  be  disturbed  by 
what  the  game  developed  into  soon  after  he 
had  taken  his  seat. 

The  traveling  men  were  well  supplied  with 
expense  money  and;  as  they  had  naturally  ex- 
pected from  his  moderately  prosperous  appear- 
ance, the  old  gentleman  seemed  also  to  have 
plenty  of  funds.  The  contest  lasted  far  be- 
yond the  time  when  the  elderly  gentleman 
with  the  long  white  whiskers  might  be  ex- 
pected to  retire  to  rest,  but  he  did  not  seem 

[194] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

to  be  visibly  affected  by  the  late  hours.  The 
game  finally  terminated  in  time  to  give  the 
commercial  men  two  or  three  hours  of  very 
necessary  sleep,  after  which  they  had  their 
breakfast,  negotiated  various  small  loans  to 
secure  expense  money  and  went-  their,  several 
ways.  The  hotel  porter,  naturally  cognizant 
of  everything;  that  happened  in  th'e  hotel, 
tersely  explained  the  entire  matter  in  the  fol- 
lowing words: 

"My  Lord!  Say,  do  you  know  that  old 
chap  with  the  white  whiskers?  He  just  cleaned 
those  f  ello.ws  out  of  every  cent  they  had !" 

To  those  who  knew  the  "old  gentleman," 
whose  hair  became  snow  white  at  a  little  past 
thirty  and  who  carried  that  same  luxuriant 
white  hair  until  he  was  eighty  years  old,  the 
above  incident  is  but  a  glimpse  of  his  many 
sided  characteristics.  He  could  be  as  generous 
with  those  who  needed  friendly  sympathy  as 
he  could  be  merciless  with  those  who  at- 
tempted to  overreach  him. 


1 195  ] 


CHAPTER  X 
TRADITIONS  OF  THE  RURAL  CHURCH 

THE  New  England  pioneers  who  penetrated 
the  unbroken,  trackless  forests  searching  for 
suitable  locations  for  future  homes  and  who 
spared  no  physical  effort  in  establishing  these 
homes,  would  have  regarded  with  contempt, 
if  not  with  horror,  the  present  day  tendencies 
toward  shorter  and  shorter  hours  of  labor. 
For  in  their  dictionary  the  term  "recreation" 
was  practically  unknown. 

No  new  settlement  could  be  regarded  as 
fairly  established  until  it  possessed  a  school- 
house  and  a  church.  Naturally  this  involved 
much  extra  labor  and  personal  sacrifice. 

So  the  New  England  tourist  of  the  present 
day  is  constantly  finding  these  little  old-fash- 
ioned emblems  of  self-denial  tucked  away,  not 
only  in  small  hamlets  but  at  the  cross  roads. 
The  influx  of  numerous  people  of  different 
foreign  nationalities  and  of  the  different  re- 
ligions, has  in  many  instances  left  the  churches 
a  difficult  problem,  financial  and  otherwise,  to 

[196] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

the  limited  number  of  communicants  yet  re- 
maining of  the  old  New  England  stock. 

Before  so  many  of  the  younger  generation 
became  ambitious  for  city  life  and  left  the 
home  farms  to  pass  into  the  hands  of  strangers, 
these  churches  were  very  active  centers  of 
culture  and  uplift. 

However,  with  human  nature  as  it  is,  it 
could  hardly  be  expected  that  there  should 
not  be  some  trying  incidents  connected  with 
the  close  intimacies  of  the  country  congrega- 
tion. The  new  pastor  soon  found  that  each 
of  his  parishioners  had  a  very  distinct  in- 
dividuality which  was  often  calculated  to  jar 
upon  other  individualities  of  his  flock.  The 
nerve  strain  incident  to  preserving  harmonious 
relations  under  these  conditions  was  no  doubt 
responsible  in  numerous  instances  for  the 
"nervous  dyspepsia"  which  has  so  frequently 
afflicted  country  ministers. 

In  the  early  days  when  barter  rather  than 
cash  was  the  chief  means  of  exchange,  the 
parson's  salary  was  necessarily  small,  at  least 
in  actual  cash.  To  make  up  to  him  what 

[197] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

they  were  unable  to  deliver  in  the  way  of 
real  money,  the  pastor  was  made  the  subject 
of  countless  acts  of  generosity  in  the  form  of 
loads  of  wood,  potatoes,  pork  and  various 
other  elements  of  family  subsistence.  How- 
ever, the  crowning  act  of  generosity  on  the 
part  of  parishioners  was  the  annual  Donation 
Party. 

The  Story  of  the  "Raised"  Biscuits 

In  a  certain  parish  there  was  a  clergyman 
whose  family  did  not  take  very  kindly  to 
these  rural  substitutes  for  real  money.  Prob- 
ably the  minister's  wife  had  "seen  better 
days"  before  she  became  the  partner  of  a 
struggling  country  pastor.  And  quite  likely 
she  may  have  expressed  her  disapproval  of 
the  stingy  characteristics  of  some  in  the 
parish  in  the  presence  of  her  children. 

The  annual  Donation  Party  at  this  parson- 
age was  a  great  success  in  point  of  numbers, 
but  the  donations  themselves  were  rather  small. 
Each  matron  of  the  community  was  of  course 
expected  to  furnish  her  share  of  the  refresh- 
ments. Probably  there  was  not  sufficient 

[198] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

team  work  in  the  "Ladies'  Aid  Society."  At 
any  rate,  the  pastor's  wife  found  herself,  at 
the  conclusion  of  the  evening's  festivities,  in 
possession  of  an  extraordinarily  large  number 
of  exceedingly  durable  "raised  biscuits,"  the 
other  donations  being  far  below  the  proper 
standard. 

It  became  necessary  for  the  pastor  and  his 
wife  to  visit  an  adjoining  town  the  next  day, 
their  children  being  left  behind.  During  the 
absence  of  the  parents  there  were  develop- 
ments which  scandalized  the  entire  neighbor- 
hood and  filled  the  pastor  and  his  wife  with 
horror. 

Shortly  after  their  parents  went  away  the 
children  got  busy.  The  residents  of  the  neigh- 
borhood passing  the  parsonage  during  the  day 
noted  with  mingled  amusement  and  indigna- 
tion the  fact  that  each  one  of  the  wooden 
pickets  surrounding  the  ample  enclosure  of 
the  parsonage  was  surmounted  by  a  raised 
biscuit. 

It  was  a  very  Hot  SabbatH,  but  the  faithful 
residents  of  the  parish  were  practically  all  in 

[199] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

attendance.  The  parson  accepted  even  the 
most  extreme  views  of  the  tense  theology  of 
that  period.  Therefore  the  faithful  mothers 
of  the  congregation  arose  early  in  order  that 
they  might  prepare  all  the  children  of  walk- 
ing age  and  upwards  to  appear  in  clean 
clothes  and  clean  faces  by  the  time  the  last 
bell  stroke  was  heard. 

The  Small  Boy  Who  Scandalized 
the  Congregation 

In  accordance  with  the  custom  of  that 
period,  there  were  no  free  pews,  except  for 
the  extremely  poor.  The  owner  of  each  of 
these  sittings  after  carefully  packing  his  fam- 
ily away  in  the  limited  space  available  for 
that  purpose,  closed  the  door  of  his  pew. 

As  before  stated,  it  was  a  very  warm  day 
and  little  "Jabe,"  who  for  some  family  reason 
or  other  was  at  present  living  with  his  three 
maiden  aunts,  came  to  church  attired  only  in 
his  gingham  shirt  and  cotton  trousers.  Jabe 
was  not  old  enough  to  appreciate  the  solem- 
nity of  the  occasion  and  it  was  beyond  his 
understanding  how  people  could  be  so  foolish 

[200] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

as  to  be  willing  to  sit  perfectly  still  for  two 
mortal  hours  in  church.  Therefore,  when  he 
found  that  his  attendance  at  church  was  in- 
evitable that  morning,  he  looked  about  to  pro- 
vide himself  with  diversion  for  the  long  period 
of  hateful  inactivity.  The  maiden  aunts  were 
very  devout.  They  gave  their  entire  atten- 
tion to  the  parson.  Except  to  occasionally  lay 
a  restraining  hand  on  the  "wiggling"  urchin 
who  was  stationed  between  them,  they  seemed 
to  have  forgotten  him. 

In  the  pew  immediately  behind  little  Jabe 
and  his  aunts,  there  were  several  young  girls. 
Even  at  this  time  it  was  often  necessary  to 
frown  upon  the  effervescent  spirits  of  girls  in 
their  teens.  It  can  therefore  be  readily  under- 
stood how  horrified  and  scandalized  were  the 
"pillars"  of  the  church,  when  in  the  midst  of 
the  service,  one  of  these  young  ladies  squealed 
hysterically.  The  minister  ceased  his  discourse 
and  one  of  the  deacons  hastily  demanded  an 
explanation,  which  even  in  that  austere  con- 
gregation seemed  to  be  not  only  satisfying 
but  amusing.  Little  Jabe  on  his  way  to 
church,  loitering  behind  his  faithful  aunts,  had 

[201] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

spied  a  small  snake  on  the  roadside,  pounced 
upon  it  and  tucked  it  inside  his  little  gingham 
shirt.  When  the  pastor  had  got  well  along 
in  "fifthly,"  Jabe  had  taken  the  snake  by  the 
tail  and  allowed  his  head  to  emerge  from  his 
shirt  front  with  the  above  named  disastrous 
consequences  to  the  dignity  of  the  morning 
service. 

Without  doubt  the  first  essential  for  the 
success  of  the  country  pastor  is  the  diplomatic 
instinct.  He  may  be  lacking  in  many  other 
ways,  and  yet  continue  to  retain  the  good  will 
and  support  of  his  parish,  provided  that  he 
can  get  in  intimate  contact  with  his  people 
without  wounding  their  peculiar  sensibilities. 

The  "Driveling  Idiot" 

A  well-known  clergyman,  who  was  ex- 
tremely popular  in  several  parishes,  tells  with 
much  delight,  his  experience  with  a  certain 
amiable  old  lady  who  received  him  very  cor- 
dially one  day  when  making  pastoral  visits. 

This  minister  was  a  comparatively  new- 
comer in  the  community  and  had  never  had 

[202] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

an  opportunity  to  really  make  the  acquaint- 
ance of  the  lady  in  question.  The  conversa- 
tion covered  the  normal  range  of  small  town 
subjects,  the  lady  showing  very  considerable 
interest  in  the  minister  and  his  prospects  and 
becoming  more  and  more  affable  as  the  conver- 
sation continued. 

Finally  it  became  the  proper  thing  for  the 
minister  to  gracefully  withdraw,  which  he  did 
despite  the  urgent  protest  of  his  hostess  to 
linger  a  little  longer.  As  he  was  about  to 
take  his  departure,  she  gave  him  a  most  ap- 
proving look  and  dismissed  him  with  the  fol- 
lowing words: 

"I  am  so  glad  we  have  had  this  little  visit. 
I  am  sure  we  shall  all  like  you  ever  so  much. 
Do  you  know  you  greatly  remind'  me  of  the 
minister  who  was  here  when  my  husband  and 
I  first  went  to  housekeeping.  He  died  a 
driveling  idiot. 

In  a  remote  village  there  was  located  a 
clergyman  who  divided  his  energies  between 
two  small  parishes.  Diplomacy  was  not  his 
strong  point.  Probably  not  one-third  of  his 

[203] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

hearers  were  communicant  members.  And 
under  his  austere  ministrations,  many  who 
were  fairly  regular  in  their  attendance  showed 
a  marked  reluctance  to  allow  themselves  to 
be  enrolled  officially. 

In  consequence  of  this  unwillingness  to  as- 
sume church  responsibilities,  the  pastor  held 
very  pessimistic  views  as  to  their  probable 
future  and  did  not  hesitate  to  make  it  fairly 
clear  and  definite  when  occasion  permitted. 

A  great  opportunity  came  to  him  and  it 
may  be  truthfully  said  that  he  made  the  most 
of  it. 

The  Love-Cracked  Suicide 
Away  back  in  the  hills  there  was  a  young 
man  of  nineteen  or  twenty  who  had  become 
greatly  interested  in  a  somewhat  frivolous 
maiden  of  sixteen  years.  Psychologists  of  the 
present  would  have  probably  pronounced  Jim's 
development  as  about  equal  to  that  of  ten  or 
twelve  years.  He  was  distinctly  defective 
mentally,  but  a  good  worker  on  the  farm  and 
of  generally  amiable  tendencies.  Theology  to 
him  was  as  remote  a  topic  as  Babylonian 
literature. 

[204] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

But  Jim  had  very  definite  views  as  to  this 
girl.  He  was  infatuated  to  the  point  of 
desperation. 

The  young  lady  in  question  considered  it  a 
great  joke.  One  evening  she  would  be  very 
bland  and  agreeable  and  the  next  time  Jim 
appeared,  she  would  be  very  much  the  re- 
verse. It  is  unnecessary  to  dwell  upon  the 
details  which  are  too  familiar  to  most  people 
to  require  explanation.  She  was  having  a 
beautiful  time  tormenting  poor  Jim.  One 
evening  she  carried  it  a  little  too  far  and  Jim 
left  her  convinced  that  life  was  not  worth 
living.  Retiring  to  a  lonely  hilltop  with  a 
heavily  loaded  shotgun,  he  departed  this  life 
with  almost  incredible  rapidity. 

This  unfortunate  event  created  a  wide  sen- 
sation. Overwhelmed  with  remorse,  the  young 
lady  could  not  sufficiently  abase  herself.  There- 
fore, when  the  funeral  was  held  in  the  little 
country  church,  she  appeared  first  among  the 
mourners,  although  there  is  not  the  slightest 
probability  that  she  would  ever  have  married 
poor  Jim  had  he  lived  to  continue  his  court- 
ship. 

[205] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

Knowing  Jim's  amiable  qualities,  all  of  the 
community  were  sympathetic  except  the  pas- 
tor. To  him  this  situation  presented  the  oppor- 
tunity of  a  lifetime. 

The  keynote  of  the  funeral  discourse  was 
soon  made  apparent  by  the  text: 

"And  Paul  cried  with  a  loud  voice:  Do 
thyself  no  harm." 

Whereupon  the  astonished  congregation  found 
that  instead  of  having  gathered  to  hear  words 
of  sympathy  for  the  family  bereaved  by  the 
insane  act  of  a  love-crazed  youth,  they  were 
to  hear  words  of  condemnation  and  vitupera- 
tion with  direful  warnings  of  eternal  misery. 

The  more  intelligent  people  listened  with 
disgust,  while  those  who  seldom,  if  ever, 
entered  the  church,  looked  on  with  amusement. 
With  the  completion  of  the  services,  the 
people  gladly  withdrew  from  the  ministerial 
presence  and  when  safely  outside,  their  gen- 
eral views  were  summarized  by  the  comments 
of  the  local  cobbler. 

"Well,  the  parson  certainly  had  it  in  for 
poor  Jim;  he  held  him  out  over  Tophet  for 
about  an  hour  and  then  kicked  him  over  in !" 

[206] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

"There  is  a  Lion  in  the  Way" 

On  a  certain  July  Sabbath  the  afternoon 
service  in  the  little  church  seemed  to  drag. 
There  had  been  a  long  morning  service,  and 
a  session  of  the  Sunday  school  earlier  in  the 
day,  so  it  perhaps  may  not  seem  surprising 
that  some  of  the  congregation  were  seen  to 
nod  at  times  and  then  with  renewed  effort, 
concentrate  their  attention  upon  the  minister. 

The  pastor  of  the  parish  was  greatly  be- 
loved for  his  personal  characteristics,  but  not 
greatly  admired  as  a  preacher.  His  oratorical 
process  consisted  of  slow,  rambling  talks  in  a 
low  monotone  intermingled  with  occasional 
emphatic  remarks  in  a  very  loud  voice. 

The  breeze  which  had  been  coming  through 
the  open  windows  died  away  and  the  congre- 
gation became  more  and  more  drowsy.  The 
pastor,  amiable  and  considerate,  was  the  last 
preacher  in  the  world  to  resent  somnolence  on 
the  part  of  his  audience. 

The  sermon  progressed  and  the  pastor's 
thought  was  being  slowly  and  laboriously  laid 
before  the  few  who  were  still  awake.  When 

[207] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

he  found  it  consistent  with  his  system  of  dis- 
course, he  often  projected  an  allegorical  pic- 
ture upon  the  mental  processes  of  his  hearers. 

Suddenly  raising  his  voice  until  it  echoed 
and  re-echoed  throughout  the  edifice,  he  shouted : 

"But  there  is  a  lion  in  the  way!" 

A  rustle  passed  over  the  congregation  and 
all  the  drowsy  ones  sat  up,  some  few  looking 
around  hurriedly  in  various  directions  but 
becoming  speedily  reassured. 

The  fact  that  a  combined  circus  and  menag- 
erie was  advertised  to  exhibit  in  a  nearby 
town  within  a  few  days  might  possibly  have 
had  something  to  do  with  the  unexpected  success 
of  the  pastor's  allegory. 

The  enrollment  in  a  certain  community 
church  was  relatively  small  because  of  a 
diversity  of  the  religious  beliefs  among  the 
various  families.  Those  who  did  not  belong 
to  the  faith  represented  by  the  minister  were 
indisposed  at  that  period  to  accept  member- 
ship in  the  church,  even  if  they  might  be 
fairly  regular  in  their  attendance  and  assist 

[208] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

in  the   church  financially.     Others,  of   course, 
were  indifferent  altogether. 

The   Man  Who    Borrowed  "Arabian   Nights'* 
from  a  Christian  Woman 

A  man,  naturally  bright,  but  of  limited  edu- 
cation, had  an  unusually  good  excuse  for  not 
attending  church.  He  had  a  very  large  fam- 
ily which  taxed  all  his  energies  to  support, 
and  was  sadly  lacking  in  church-going  apparel. 
One  day,  while  at  the  house  of  a  neighbor, 
he  asked  the  woman  of  the  household,  who 
was  a  conscientious  church  worker,  to  loan 
him  a  book  to  read. 

Thinking  that  this  man  might  enjoy  tales 
of  the  marvelous,  the  woman  loaned  him  a 
copy  of  an  expurgated  edition  of  "Arabian 
Nights."  He  took  the  book  away  with  him 
and  kept  it  for  some  time. 

Finally  one  evening  he  brought  it  back. 
When  asked  if  he  had  read  the  book  through, 
he  said  he  had  read  part  of  it,  but  it  had 
troubled  him.  Asked  for  a  more  definite  ex- 
planation, he  expressed  himself  as  follows: 

i*  [  209  ] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

"Well,"  said  he,  "to  tell  the  plain  truth,  I 
was  shocked  when  I  started  reading.  I  could 
not  understand  how  any  Christian  woman 
could  loan  me  such  a  pack  of  lies  as  there  is 
in  that  book!" 

All  of  which  well  illustrates  the  different 
standards  of  the  Victorian  period  as  compared 
with  those  of  the  present  day. 

The  congregation  of  a  certain  New  Eng- 
land church,  especially  the  feminine  portion, 
were  full  of  appreciation,  admiration  and  sym- 
pathy for  one  of  the  deacons. 

The  Woman  Who  Was  Not  Going 
to  be  a  Pack  Horse 

This  man  wore  a  constant  expression  of 
submission  and  meekness.  He  was  an  exem- 
plary citizen  in  every  respect  and  was  faith- 
ful in  his  attendance  to  the  duties  of  his 
office. 

There  was  a  special  reason  why  the  women 
of  the  church  so  highly  approved  of  the 
deacon.  It  was  reported  that  his  wife  was 
very  impatient  with  him. 

[210] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Gradually  there  developed  an  atmosphere  of 
coldness  toward  the  wife,  more  than  counter- 
balanced by  the  sympathetic  friendliness  toward 
her  husband.  This  was  somewhat  irritating 
to  the  lady  in  question,  who  so  far  as  she 
knew  had  never  transgressed  any  of  the  gen- 
eral laws  of  society  nor  of  the  church.  After 
a  while  the  deacon's  wife  became  very  un- 
reconciled at  the  situation  and  from  dwelling 
upon  the  matter  she  became  probably  more 
irritable  than  a  deacon's  wife  should  be. 

One  day  some  unfortunate  event  led  this 
woman  to  express  herself  more  freely  to  her 
husband  than  she  had  done  for  a  long  time. 
As  usual  he  accepted  her  remarks  with  docil- 
ity and  calmness. 

The  deacon  went  to  his  room  and  the  wife 
went  about  her  tasks  in  a  tumult  of  dissatis- 
faction with  herself  and  the  entire  situation. 
She  recalled  legends  of  the  deacon's  early  life 
which  indicated  he  was  of  a  very  high  tem- 
per. If  he  had  only  said  something  in  self- 
defense,  the  situation  would  be  more  bearable. 
Shortly  afterward  she  had  occasion  to  go  up 
stairs  and  as  her  felt  slippers  made  little 

[211] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

noise,  she  approached  the  conjugal  chamber 
unnoted.  Hearing  the  sound  of  her  husband's 
voice,  she  stopped  at  the  nearly  closed  door 
to  listen. 

The  deacon  was  engaged  in  prayer  and  she 
listened  to  hear  him  express  his  thanks  that 
although  a  wilful,  perverse  person,  he  had 
been  permitted  to  have  a  cross  to  bear,  or 
rather  a  thorn  in  the  flesh  in  the  form  of  his 
wife,  in  consequence  of  which  he  could  de- 
velop patience,  endurance  and  the  various 
divine  virtues. 

The  deacon's  wife  listened  to  the  foregoing 
in  amazement  and  then  it  all  dawned  upon 
her.  Pushing  open  the  door  and  quickly  con- 
fronting her  astonished  husband,  she  said: 

"I  understand  it  all  now.  Perhaps  you 
think  I  am  going  to  be  a  pack  horse  to  carry 
you  to  Heaven,  but  you  will  find  out  dif- 
ferently." 

The  legend  says  that  the  subsequent  amiabil- 
ity and  angelic  sweetness  of  the  wife  eventually 
caused  the  deacon  to  appear  almost  irascible  at 
times. 

[212] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Among  the  regular  attendants  at  a  little 
country  church,  were  a  rather  attractive,  en- 
terprising young  lady  and  a  very  bashful 
young  man. 

The  Enterprising  Deacon  Who    Proposed 
at  the  Grave 

As  may  often  be  observed,  under  such  cir- 
cumstances, the  vivacious  young  lady  pos- 
sessed great  attractiveness  in  the  eyes  of  the 
young  man,  but  held  back  by  his  natural 
diffidence,  he  failed  to  make  his  admiration 
definitely  known  to  the  girl.  She  was  not 
lacking  in  other  admirers  and  so  it  happened 
that  when  the  young  man  in  question  finally 
developed  sufficient  courage  to  ask  the  young 
lady  to  marry  him,  he  was  informed  in  the 
most  gracious  manner  that  while  she  had  al- 
ways esteemed  him  highly  as  a  friend  and 
might  have  even  had  a  greater  interest  in 
him,  a  more  self-confident  rival  had  secured 
her  promise  to  marry  him. 

The  young  man  was  naturally  very  much 
cast  down.  The  apparent  admission  on  the 
young  lady's  part  that  his  answer  might  have 

[213] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

been  different  had  he  been  a  little  more 
prompt  in  making  his  wishes  known,  was 
especially  depressing  to  him. 

A  few  years  passed  and  the  young  woman, 
who  had  apparently  lived  happily  with  her 
husband,  was  unfortunately  left  a  widow. 
Her  former  admirer  decided  that  he  would 
not  be  backward  this  time,  but  just  as  soon 
as  any  decent  period  had  passed,  he  would 
resume  paying  his  addresses  and  thereby  fore- 
stall any  of  the  other  eligibles  of  the  com- 
munity. He  called  upon  the  young  woman 
and  was  graciously  received  and  thus  en- 
couraged proceeded  to  carry  on  his  courtship 
with  a  vigor  and  enthusiasm  that  to  his  own 
highly  developed  sense  of  the  fitness  of  things, 
seemed  to  border  upon  impropriety.  Finally 
he  brought  matters  to  a  climax  by  again 
offering  his  hand  and  fortune  to  the  blooming 
widow.  Greatly  to  his  chagrin  he  was  in- 
formed, as  before,  that  she  was  promised  to 
another  man. 

This  was  hard  luck  indeed  and  the  disap- 
pointed wooer  was  almost  inclined  to  resort 
to  that  quite  common  rural  expedient  and 

[214] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

marry  some  other  girl  "out  of  spite."  But 
somehow  this  did  not  seem  to  square  with 
his  conscientious  scruples  and  in  fact  there 
was  no  other  girl  about  who  seemed  to  at- 
tract him.  It  was  a  depressing  situation 
indeed. 

But,  as  sometimes  happens,  she  who  had 
been  maid,  wife,  widow  and  again  wife,  once 
more  became  a  widow.  The  twice  disap- 
pointed devotee  decided  this  time  there  would 
be  no  delays  due  to  a  fantastic  sense  of  what 
was  suitable  and  proper. 

Accordingly  the  very  next  evening  he  called 
to  see  the  doubly  bereaved  woman.  She  met 
him  very  cordially  and  his  hopes  arose  high. 
Feeling  that  he  had  already  made  his  regard 
for  her  sufficiently  clear  so  that  there  need  be 
no  time  lost  in  preliminaries,  he  gave  but  a 
few  minutes'  consideration  to  discussing  the 
weather  and  other  common  topics  before  pro- 
ceeding to  the  matter  at  hand.  He  asked  her 
to  marry  him. 

The  young  woman  gazed  at  him  sympa- 
thetically a  moment  and  then  murmured: 

"I  am  so  sorry  but  I  am  already  engaged; 
Deacon  Harris  proposed  at  the  grave !" 

[215] 


CHAPTER  XI 
TALES  OF  RURAL  THRIFT 

THERE  are  probably  few  better  schools  for 
the  development  of  thrift  than  the  small  New 
England  farm,  which  although  necessarily 
limited  in  its  capacity  to  produce  an  income, 
still  requires  a  considerable  investment  in 
necessary  equipment.  Those  courageous,  hard 
working  couples  who  bring  up  a  family  upon 
one  of  these  small  homesteads,  find  it  exceed- 
ingly hard  to  make  ends  meet  and  may  quite 
likely  often  find  themselves  at  the  end  of  the 
year  in  the  state  of  mind  shown  by  the 
humble  tiller  of  a  Vermont  farm  who  when 
asked  what  kind  of  a  season  he  had  had, 
replied : 

"I  cannot  say  that  we  have  made  any 
money  this  year,  but  we  have  got  consider- 
able growth  on  the  young  ones." 

The  Old  Friend  and  the  Load  of  Hay 

For  many  years  a  family  had  subsisted 
upon  a  small  farm  which  was  a  source  of 

[216] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

profit  chiefly  to  a  money  lender  some  fifteen 
miles  distant  and  made  secure  by  means  of  a 
very  energetic  mortgage.  It  mattered  not 
what  the  family  necessities  might  be,  provision 
must  always  be  made  on  the  first  day  of 
April  for  the  payment  of  the  interest. 

One  April  first,  when  "Uncle  Aaron"  had 
traveled  the  fifteen  miles  laboriously  through 
the  mud  to  make  his  annual  payment,  he 
seemed  to  the  holder  of  the  mortgage  to  be 
somewhat  depressed.  As  he  was  normally  a 
very  cheerful  man,  the  money  lender  asked 
him  how  things  were  going.  He  was  in- 
formed that  "Uncle  Aaron"  was  exceedingly 
short  of  hay  with  which  to  feed  his  stock 
until  the  grass  in  his  pasture  had  made  suffi- 
cient start  to  justify  his  turning  his  cattle 
out  to  seek  their  own  living. 

"Well!  well!  Uncle  Aaron,"  was  the  reply. 
"I  have  a  whole  barn  full  of  hay  at  my  farm 
up  the  Branch  and  you  can  take  your  horse 
and  wagon,  go  up  there  and  get  a  load  for 
your  cattle  and  it  won't  cost  you  a  cent." 

Uncle  Aaron  made  his  way  homeward  with 
a  light  heart.  To  be  sure  the  roads  were 

[217] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

in  a  fearful  state,  but  his  old  mare  was 
faithful  and  reliable  and  he  felt  sure  she  could 
make  the  journey  and  take  home  a  pretty 
fair  load  of  hay  for  his  lean  and  always  ex- 
pectant cows. 

A  couple  of  days  later  with  his  horse  and 
hay  wagon  he  made  the  journey,  securing  as 
much  hay  as  he  thought  his  horse  could  get 
home  with  over  the  muddy  roads.  Appar- 
ently Uncle  Aaron  overestimated  the  old  mare's 
capacity,  as  when  he  was  yet  six  or  eight 
miles  from  home  she  seemed  to  have  lost  all 
courage.  He  could  hardly  get  her  along  the 
road.  Finally  he  remembered  that  at  a  farm 
a  short  distance  ahead,  there  lived  an  acquaint- 
ance of  his  who  would  probably  be  glad  to 
put  him  up  for  the  night.  He  succeeded  in 
persuading  his  reluctant  horse  to  cover  the 
remaining  distance  and  turning  into  the  farm 
road  observed  his  old  friend  looking  at  him 
curiously,  but  who  quickly  approached  and 
welcomed  him  gladly. 

"Just  drive  into  the  barnyard,"  said  he, 
"and  put  your  horse  in  a  stall,  give  her  some 
supper  and  then  we  will  go  in  the  house.  My 
wife  will  be  glad  to  make  your  acquaintance." 

[218] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

This  was  indeed  a  haven  of  rest  for  Uncle 
Aaron.  With  the  old  mare  well  fed  and  fur- 
nished with  a  comfortable  bed  of  straw  to 
sleep  on,  as  his  friend  had  plenty  of  straw, 
although  he  admitted  being  very  short  of 
hay,  Uncle  Aaron  accepted  gladly  the  hos- 
pitality of  his  friend's  wife  who  served  an  ex- 
cellent supper.  Such  cordiality  was  really  de- 
lightful after  so  weary  a  day. 

The  evening  passed  in  reminiscences  of  boy- 
hood days,  and  the  occasion  was  enlivened  by 
several  pitchers  of  cider  which  in  turn  re- 
called jolly  old  songs  in  which  "Uncle  Aaron" 
and  his  host  joined  with  zest.  It  was  a  late 
hour  before  the  old  friends  retired  to  rest. 

Uncle  Aaron  slept  soundly  and  late.  He 
was  awakened  to  hear  with  horror  the  clock 
striking  nine.  Breakfast  must  have  been  over 
at  least  two  hours,  if  not  more.  Leaping 
from  the  bed,  Uncle  Aaron  hastily  proceeded 
to  dress,  but  his  attention  was  called  to  a 
chamber  window  by  the  bellowing  of  cattle. 
Looking  out  he  saw  his  host  halfway  across 
the  field  engaged  in  some  farming  task,  while 
a  large  herd  of  cattle  were  in  the  barnyard 

[219] 


eagerly  consuming  what  seemed  to  be  about 
the  last  of  his  load  of  hay.  Hastening  from 
the  house  and  chasing  the  cattle  back  into 
the  meadow,  where  they  had  evidently  been 
eagerly  searching  for  an  occasional  bite  of 
dead  grass,  Uncle  Aaron  accepted  a  late 
breakfast  with  numerous  apologies  to  his 
hostess,  harnessed  his  horse  and  dejectedly 
turned  his  way  homeward.  The  load  which 
the  old  mare  had  occasion  to  haul  over  the 
still  sticky  roads,  did  not  seem  to  be  much  of 
an  embarrassment  the  rest  of  the  way  home. 
The  sad  feature  of  this  melancholy  tale,  to 
Uncle  Aaron,  was  the  ever  present  doubt  as 
to  the  real  good  intentions  of  his  old  friend 
in  turning  his  hungry  cows  into  the  meadow 
that  morning  and  leaving  the  gateway  inse- 
curely fastened. 

The  ambitious  proprietor  of  a  small  farm 
is  naturally  somewhat  perturbed  when  winter 
finds  him  with  insufficient  forage  for  his 
stock.  It  means  that  he  must  go  to  the  ex- 
pense of  buying  supplies  from  his  more  for- 
tunate neighbors,  or  that  he  must  sell  some  of 
his  cattle  at  a  sacrifice. 

[220] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

The  Man  Who  Worked  a  Confidence 
Game  on  His  Cows 

The  owner  of  a  little  mountain  farm  found 
himself  as  winter  approached  with  a  shortage 
of  hay,  but  more  dry  straw  than  usual.  The 
question  therefore  was  how  to  enthuse  his 
cattle  with  the  idea  of  making  one  good,  sub- 
stantial meal  per  day  of  the  straw.  It  should 
be  understood  incidentally  that  the  grain  had 
been  threshed  out  of  this  straw,  leaving  just 
the  residue,  which  from  the  standpoint  of  the 
average  experienced  bovine  citizen  was  ex- 
ceedingly unpalatable. 

The  experiment  was  tried  of  feeding  straw 
to  the  cattle  in  the  manger  in  the  way  hay 
was  fed,  but  with  very  unsatisfactory  results. 
The  cows  nosed  over  the  straw  with  badly 
concealed  disgust.  When  it  became  necessary 
to  feed  hay,  practically  all  the  straw  had  to 
be  removed.  It  was  a  discouraging  situation 
but  Yankee  ingenuity,  which  has  so  often 
stood  the  test,  did  not  fail  in  this  instance. 

Taking  into  careful  consideration  the  ex- 
ceedingly complex  psychology  (?)  of  the  aver- 

[221] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

age  cow,  the  owner  had  a  very  bright  idea. 
He  hastily  pitched  a  large  quantity  of  straw 
out  into  the  barnyard  where  the  cattle  went 
out  to  drink,  making  as  high  a  pile  of  it  as 
possible;  this  he  surrounded  with  a  rickety 
fence. 

The  next  day,  at  the  normal  time  for  the 
straw  ration,  the  cattle  were  turned  into  the 
yard,  and  gazed  curiously  at  the  straw  pile. 
Watching  at  some  distance,  the  farmer  saw 
one  or  two  cows  approach  the  stack  and 
thrusting  their  heads  through  the  ramshackle 
fence,  nibble  cautiously  at  the  straw.  The 
owner  promptly  rushed  into  the  yard  and 
chased  the  cattle  away. 

Again  the  farmer  watchfully  waited,  noting 
with  gleeful  enthusiasm  the  marked  change  in 
the  attitude  of  his  cattle  toward  the  straw. 
That  which  had  been  scorned  by  them  when 
fed  as  a  legitimate  ration,  now  seemed  to 
assume  new  and  seductive  attractions. 

He  again  drove  them  away  and  went  to  his 
house  for  the  noonday  meal.  When  he  re- 
turned an  hour  or  two  later  the  temporary 
fence  was  completely  demolished,  while  the 

[222] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

unusual  abdominal  distention  of  his  flock  of 
cows  gave  abundant  evidence  of  the  success 
of  his  experiment. 

There  are  few  legends  of  unusual  thrift 
which  come  down  out  of  the  past  involving 
the  medical  profession.  The  country  doctor 
has  usually  worked  hard,  gone  without  sleep, 
trusted  patients  to  whom  no  one  else  would 
think  of  giving  credit,  and  died  poor. 

"Stew  'Er  Down" 

There  were  exceptions,  however.  A  doctor 
who  had  for  many  years  enjoyed  a  fairly 
lucrative  practice  and  who  had  shown  unusual 
efficiency  in  holding  his  expenses  at  a  low 
figure,  gradually  found  himself  handicapped 
by  the  infirmities  of  age  with  a  naturally 
diminishing  professional  income. 

Although  the  old  doctor  was  in  affluent 
circumstances  for  that  period,  it  was  very  de- 
pressing to  him  not  to  be  able  to  lay  aside 
the  usual  amount  each  year.  He  accordingly 
resorted  to  the  extremes  of  economy.  The 
doctor  lived  alone  except  for  a  housekeeper, 

[223] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

and  having  had  a  misunderstanding  with  her, 
found  himself  left  entirely  to  his  own  devices. 
He  accordingly  engaged  a  half-grown  boy  to 
come  and  stay  with  him  and  "do  chores  for 
his  board." 

The  boy  did  not  find  the  environment  espe- 
cially exhilarating.  The  old  man  was  very 
irascible  and  hard  to  please.  Furthermore 
his  menu  was  rather  too  simple  to  meet  the 
requirements  of  a  growing  boy. 

One  evening  returning  from  school,  the 
young  man  hustled  to  do  his  outdoor  tasks  in 
order  to  prepare  for  an  early  supper.  He  had 
even  more  than  his  normally  excellent  appe- 
tite. In  fact  he  was  practically  famished. 
He  hoped  therefore  that  the  old  doctor  would 
give  instructions  for  a  tolerably  elaborate 
meal. 

But  he  was  greatly  disappointed.  Seating 
himself  near  the  kitchen  range,  the  old  doc- 
tor who  commonly  held  his  cane  in  his  hand, 
even  when  sitting  in  his  easy  chair,  testily 
gave  instructions  to  the  boy  to  make  a  hasty 
pudding,  prepared  of  course  by  sifting  fine 
cornmeal  into  a  kettle  of  boiling  hot  water 

[224] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

until  the  right  admixture  is  made,  and  then 
allowing  it  to  cook  for  a  short  time. 

According  to  the  instructions,  the  youngster 
soon  had  the  kettle  boiling  and  brought  for- 
ward an  ample  supply  of  the  cornmeal,  the 
old  man  watching  every  movement.  Taking 
spoonfuls  of  the  meal  in  one  hand,  he  stirred 
vigorously  with  the  other,  meantime  sifting  in 
the  meal.  In  his  eagerness  to  prepare  a  suffi- 
cient quantity  of  the  food  to  satisfy  his 
youthful  craving,  the  boy  had  put  an  unusual 
amount  of  water  in  the  kettle.  But  when  he 
had  sifted  in  about  half  enough  meal  to  pro- 
duce the  requisite  combination  with  the  water, 
he  was  abruptly  brought  to  a  Halt  by  the  old 
doctor. 

"Hold  on  there,  boy!"  said  he.  "You  have 
enough  meal  in  there.  Stew  'er  down." 

The  old  man's  word  was  law  and  there  was 
nothing  for  the  youngster  to  do  but  to  speed 
up  the  fire  and  stir  the  contents  of  the  kettle 
until  the  evaporation  of  the  superfluous  water 
had  brought  the  food  mixture  to  the  right 
consistency. 

15  [  225  ] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  boy  decided  that  in  the  interest  of  self- 
preservation  he  had  better  hunt  for  a  new 
job. 

"Never  Mind,  I  Can  Cut  It" 

Probably  no  more  elaborate  form  of  thrift 
has  ever  been  carried  out  than  that  of  the 
old-time  widow  of  small  fortune  and  the  de- 
termination to  live  on  her  income.  One  of 
this  type  of  widows  succeeded  in  making  her- 
self a  social  leader  among  a  considerable  circle 
of  women  who  were  in  much  more  comfor- 
table circumstances  financially.  The  airs  and 
graces  of  this  old  lady  were  not  looked  upon 
with  special  admiration  by  the  men  of  the 
community,  but  when  an  exceedingly  amiable 
married  woman  of  the  neighborhood  was  in- 
vited with  her  husband  to  have  supper  with 
the  widow,  she  prevailed  upon  her  reluctant 
husband  to  go  with  her. 

They  were  received  cordially  by  the  hostess 
who  gave  most  gracious  attention  to  the 
husband.  He  was  not  especially  responsive 
and  his  wife  looked  on  with  considerable 
anxiety  lest  he  should  somehow  allow  his  dis- 

[226] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

approval  of  the  widow  to  show  out  in  the 
conversation. 

Everything  went  smoothly,  however,  and  the 
amiable  wife  began  to  feel  quite  at  ease. 
Called  to  the  dining  room,  the  table  was 
found  to  be  set  out  in  very  attractive  style 
and  lavishly  supplied  with  everything  except 
things  to  eat.  The  food  exhibit  was  exceed- 
ingly meager. 

They  took  their  seats  and  the  old  gentleman 
gruffly  replied  to  the  prattle  of  the  widow 
and  seemed  to  be  making  a  pretense  of  enjoy- 
ing his  meal. 

Finally,  however,  that  occurred  which  the 
wife  had  feared,  and  she  felt  disgraced  for 
life. 

As  the  final  artistic  touch  of  the  meal,  the 
widow  turned  to  the  pie  which  was  appar- 
ently destined  for  dessert,  cut  it  with  great 
precision  exactly  through  the  center,  next 
dividing  one  of  the  halves  into  three  exactly 
equal  parts.  She  then  passed  the  pie  to  the 
amiable  wife  aforesaid,  who  removed  one  of 
the  geometrical  portions  with  the  grace  and 

[227] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

ease  customary  on  such  occasions.  The  widow 
then  passed  the  pie  to  the  husband. 

Perhaps  the  old  man  was  actually  in  that 
state  of  undernourishment  which  produces  such 
dissatisfaction  in  the  masculine  mind;  perhaps 
he  was  inspired  by  a  sardonic  sense  of  humor. 
What  he  did  was  to  reach  out  and  take  the 
half  pie  yet  uncut  and  remove  it  to  his  plate. 
His  wife  looked  on  with  horror. 

"Why,  papa,"  said  she,  "that  part  of  the 
pie  is  not  cut." 

The  old  man  smiled  at  her  grimly. 

"Never  mind,"  said  he.     "I  can  cut  it." 

The  impression  should  not  be  acquired  that 
New  England  thrift  and  stinginess  are  synon- 
ymous. A  person  can  be  very  economical  and 
still  be  generous  and  considerate. 

The  Empty  Flour  Barrel 

A  young  married  woman,  whose  husband 
was  not  regarded  as  a  very  good  "provider" 
and  who  had  been  housekeeping  a  year  or 
two,  was  quite  flattered  one  afternoon  at  re- 
ceiving calls  by  two  estimable  old  ladies  of 

[228] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

the  neighborhood.  It  may  be  taken  for 
granted  that  they  knew  pretty  nearly  all  the 
facts  regarding  the  young  couple  in  question. 
And  their  disapproval  of  the  husband  was 
about  equally  balanced  by  their  sympathy  for 
the  wife. 

After  devoting  an  hour  or  two  to  conver- 
sation with  her  .guests,  the  young  housekeeper 
excused  herself  in  order  that  she  might  pre- 
pare the  five  o'clock  supper.  Styles  of  enter- 
tainment naturally  change  according  to  the 
times,  but  at  that  period  no  farm  supper  table 
with  guests  present  would  be  considered  as 
properly  spread  without  an  abundant  supply 
of  hot  soda  biscuits  which  would  be  made 
more  palatable  by  serving  some  kind  of  fruit 
sauce. 

Shortly  after  the  young  hostess  had  set 
about  her  task  of  preparing  supper,  a  pound- 
ing was  heard  in  the  kitchen.  The  two  old 
ladies  looked  at  each  other  significantly.  The 
pounding  continued.  The  hollow  sound  could 
suggest  but  one  thing.  The  housewife  was 
making  a  desperate  effort  to  gather  up  enough 
flour  from  a  nearly  empty  barrel  to  make  the 
biscuits  de  rigeur  for  supper. 

[  229  ] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  old  ladies  became  more  and  more  un- 
easy and  the  conversation  died  away.  Fin- 
ally one  of  them  arose. 

"Do  you  know,  I'm  going  home!  It  doesn't 
seem  to  me  as  though  I  could  swallow  a 
mouthful  of  one  of  those  biscuits.  That  poor 
thing  doesn't  have  half  enough  to  eat !" 

While  the  other  lady  was  hesitating,  the 
hostess  re-entered  the  room.  She  of  the  un- 
easy conscience  had  already  put  on  her  wrap. 
The  hostess  protested  but  with  no  results. 
Her  decision  being  unalterable,  the  other  guest 
decided  that  it  would  be  more  diplomatic  for 
her  to  make  an  excuse  also.  And  the  ladies 
departed  to  their  homes,  each  of  them  more 
disgusted  with  Jake's  improvidence  than  be- 
fore they  had  apparently  encountered  the 
direct  evidence  that  his  poor  wife  must  be 
going  hungry. 

This  was  many  years  ago  and  probably  not 
even  millionaires  now  buy  their  flour  in  bar- 
rels. But  just  because  poor  "Jake"  had  been 
a  little  slow  about  finding  the  wherewithal  to 
lay  in  perhaps  a  year's  stock  of  flour  for 

[230] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

himself   and  wife,   in  one  package,   his   wife's 
social  status  received  a  serious  jolt. 

Under  the  strictly  home  rule  township  sys- 
tem of  the  New  England  states,  only  the 
large  towns  have  their  own  resorts  for  the 
"down-and-outs"  known  as  "poor  farms." 

The  Town  Pauper  Who  Made  an 
Epigram 

The  small  towns  have  from  the  most  re- 
mote days  generally  arranged  to  have  the 
chronic  town  pauper  boarded  out  in  some 
family.  Naturally  people  in  comfortable  cir- 
cumstances are  not  likely  to  furnish  enter- 
tainment for  these  unfortunates,  who  are  gen- 
erally farmed  out  by  the  year  in  homes  where 
the  very  moderate  compensation  for  board 
would  be  of  financial  assistance  in  meeting 
the  year's  expenses. 

"Uncle  Hiram"  had  recently  been  trans- 
ferred to  the  care  of  a  family  which  was  not 
noted  as  given  to  a  luxurious  menu.  There 
was  no  doubt  sufficient  food,  but  it  was  very 

[231] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

plain  and  "Uncle  Hiram"  was  naturally  some- 
what of  an  epicure. 

One  day  he  appeared  at  the  residence  of 
the  poor  master  and  seemed  to  be  more  de- 
jected than  usual.  Suspecting  that  something 
was  wrong,  the  official  began  to  ask  questions. 

"Well,  Uncle  Hiram,  how  are  you  getting 
along  at  your  new  home?" 

Uncle  Hiram  was  rather  non-committal  in 
his  reply,  seemingly  reluctant  to  make  com- 
plaints, but  after  some  urging  he  proceeded 
to  make  his  ideas  clear  in  the  following  long 
remembered  statement. 

"Mr.  Thomas's  folks  are  very  good  folks; 
but  they  have  everything  ter  buyee;  and 
nothin'  ter  buy  it  with." 

As  there  was  no  evidence  that  Uncle 
Hiram  did  not  fare  as  well  in  the  menu  as 
the  rest  of  the  family,  it  was  not  considered 
necessary  to  try  and  hunt  him  up  a  new 
boarding  place. 


[232] 


The  Conscientious  Neighbor  Who  Ran 
An  Account 

It  is  a  common  belief  that  excessive  thrift 
is  a  continual  temptation  to  dishonesty,  but 
such  is  not  necessarily  the  case.  Perhaps 
there  is  no  more  marked  example  of  that 
exactitude  in  business  transactions  which  so 
frequently  leads  to  the  charge  of  stinginess 
than  the  instance  recorded  of  the  obliging 
man  who  was  asked  by  his  neighbor  to 
kindly  extend  a  little  helpful  supervision  over 
the  efforts  of  his  young  boys  to  carry  on 
the  farm  during  his  own  necessary  absence 
for  a  few  weeks.  He  offered  to  pay  liber- 
ally for  all  the  time  required  in  carrying  out 
this  plan. 

The  man  cheerfully  consented  to  do  all  he 
could  for  the  youngsters  while  their  father  was 
away. 

The  boys  being  carefully  instructed  as  to 
their  duties  in  his  absence,  the  father  started 
on  his  journey  well  content  that  everything 
would  be  all  right.  On  his  return  he  found 
that  all  had  worked  out  as  he  had  expected. 

[233] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  farm  business  had  gone  smoothly  and 
when  the  obliging  neighbor  presented  his 
bill,  carefully  itemized,  it  was  promptly  paid 
and  with  much  pleasure. 

The  bill  was  carefully  preserved  as  a 
souvenir  for  many  years.  It  comprised  a  con- 
siderable number  of  items,  each  representing 
some  small  service  for  which  the  charge  was 
accordingly  trivial.  Of  course  it  is  impos- 
sible, and  neither  is  it  desirable,  to  go  into 
details  regarding  this  bill,  but  one  item  may 
give  a  clue  as  to  the  conscientious,  methodical 
and  business-like  habits  of  the  man  who  pre- 
sented it. 

October  2ist : — To  helping  roll  log  over. .  ic. 

That  which  has  appeared  heretofore  in  this 
chapter  illustrates  the  various  phases  of  the 
habitual  economy  which  has  made  the  Scotch, 
the  New  Englanders  and  other  nationalities 
take  so  leading  a  place  in  modern  civilization. 
But  there  is  another  instance  of  the  economical 
instinct  which  stands  out  in  very  unpleasant 
contrast  with  the  foregoing. 

[234] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

The  Thrifty  Man  Who  "Swore  Off" 
Using  Tobacco 

A  well-to-do  farmer  had  reached  quite  an 
advanced  age  and  had  been  recently  left 
alone  by  the  death  of  his  wife.  He  had  no 
children  and  no  obvious  reason  for  denying 
himself  anything  within  reason  that  would 
help  to  allay  his  natural  loneliness.  But  such 
a  hold  had  frugal  habits  taken  upon  him  that 
one  December  he  resolved  that  on  January 
first  he  would  discontinue  for  all  time  his  one 
indulgence,  viz.,  "fine  cut"  tobacco,  utilized  in 
the  manner  made  famous  and  conspicuous  by 
many  eminent  Americans  during  the  preced- 
ing century. 

Accordingly,  having  reached  this  decision, 
this  model  citizen  began  to  plan  ahead.  He 
found  that  his  supply  of  "fine  cut"  was  in 
considerable  excess  of  his  normal  require- 
ments. He  therefore  speeded  up  the  matter 
somewhat  by  increasing  his  daily  allowance. 
But  when  the  thirty-first  day  of  December 
arrived,  he  found  himself  with  several  days' 
supply  on  hand. 

[235] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

There  were  acquaintances  who  would  on 
request  have  cheerfully  obliged  him  by  taking 
over  his  reserve  stock.  But  this  plan  made 
no  appeal.  He  resolved  to  sit  up  until  mid- 
night, if  necessary,  and  consume  the  last  of 
that  "fine  cut"  himself. 

He  carried  out  his  plans  according  to  pro- 
gram. But  even  his  thoroughly  seasoned 
physique  rebelled.  The  next  day  he  was 
seriously  ill.  And  his  funeral  took  place  a 
week  or  two  later. 


[236] 


CHAPTER  XII 

CHEERFUL  TALES  OF  NEIGHBORLY 
INTERCOURSE 

THE  impression  may  be  easily  acquired  by 
the  reader  that  the  collector  of  these  authentic 
reminiscences  is  inclined  to  look  with  favor 
upon  those  whose  personalities  are  exhibited 
in  these  pages.  Such  an  impression  is  prob- 
ably correct  as  it  is  not  human  nature  to 
comment  too  sarcastically  upon  that  which 
adds  to  the  joy  of  life. 

In  the  average  conservative  rural  neighbor- 
hood of  New  England,  it  is  regarded  as  ex- 
cellent policy  to  cultivate  the  semblance  of  cor- 
diality in  neighborly  associations  with  special 
regard  for  humorous  intercourse  whenever  pos- 
sible because  people  of  even  more  than  average 
human  frailty  may  have  occasion  to  do  kindly 
acts.  Therefore,  it  is  seldom  that  neighborhood 
friction  becomes  openly  demonstrative. 

The  boy  or  girl  who  has  been  raised  in  an 
atmosphere  of  forbearance  and  who  has  been 

[237] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

taught  to  avoid  any  outward  display  of  per- 
sonal dislike,  has  acquired  a  very  useful  les- 
son. This  may  explain  to  a  certain  extent 
the  ability  of  the  transplanted  Yankee  to 
avoid  antagonisms  in  neighborhoods  in  which 
there  may  be,  generally  speaking,  less  per- 
sonal restraint. 

"Am  I  Ben  Jackson,  or  Am  I  Not?" 

It  would  have  been  perhaps  natural  for  a 
certain  Ben  Jackson  to  have  resented  what 
happened  to  him  one  sultry  afternoon,  but  so 
far  as  the  record  shows,  if  he  had  any  such 
feeling  he  kept  it  carefully  to  himself. 

Ben  Jackson  had  been  to  town  a  few  miles 
away  with  a  load  which  he  delivered  with  a 
yoke  of  oxen  attached  to  a  primitive  cart  of 
earlier  days.  At  that  time  it  was  but  the 
most  natural  thing  in  the  world  that  there 
should  have  been  included  in  Ben's  purchases 
at  the  country  store,  a  bottle  of  rum.  It 
must  not  be  understood  by  this  that  Ben  was 
an  intemperate  man,  for  such  was  not  the 
case.  Like  nearly  everybody  else  of  that  era, 
including  deacons,  clergymen,  as  well  as 

[238] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Indians,  he  considered  that  his  health  and 
that  of  his  family  required  that  they  have 
"something  in  the  house"  at  all  times. 

On  his  way  home  with  an  empty  cart  and 
a  docile  pair  of  oxen,  progress  was  neces- 
sarily slow.  A  man  who  rises  at  three  or 
four  o'clock  in  the  morning  in  order  to  put 
in  a  fair  day's  work  before  nine  o'clock  in 
the  evening,  has  an  excuse  for  becoming 
drowsy  at  times  of  inaction.  Ben  had  sampled 
the  rum,  found  it  good  and  tried  it  again, 
after  which,  knowing  that  his  oxen  would 
probably  find  their  way  through  the  coming 
strip  of  woodland  without  any  guidance  from 
himself,  he  stretched  out  upon  the  cart  and  was 
soon  fast  asleep. 

In  the  meantime  the  oxen  had  leisurely 
picked  their  way  through  the  woods  until 
they  came  to  a  little  opening  at  one  side  of 
the  road  where  there  was  some  green  grass. 
Having  no  one  to  restrain  their  movements, 
they  turned  away  from  the  road  and  began 
to  refresh  themselves.  Just  about  that  time 
two  young  men  came  along  who  knew  Ben 
very  well  and  who  promptly  grasped  the 

[239] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

situation.  The  little  opening  at  the  roadside 
was  rather  rough  ground  and  they  could 
easily  picture  the  oxen  tipping  the  cart  to 
such  an  angle  that  Ben  would  roll  off  and 
possibly  be  injured.  It  was  therefore  but  a 
naturally  kind  act  for  them  to  guide  the  oxen 
safely  into  a  little  arbor,  release  them  from 
the  cart  and  leave  their  friend  to  enjoy  his 
nap  in  safety.  Incidentally  they  decided  to  sit 
down  in  nearby  obscurity  and  watch  de- 
velopments. 

Ben's  nap  lasted  for  considerable  time.  But 
finally  a  swarm  of  mosquitoes  aroused  him  to 
semi-consciousness.  He  was  surrounded  by 
trees  and  the  entire  scene  was  vague  and  un- 
familiar. It  seemed  to  him  that  it  must  all 
be  a  dream.  He  began  to  talk  and  his 
kind  friends,  before  mentioned,  listened  eagerly. 

"Am  I  Ben  Jackson,  or  am  I  not?  If  I 
am  Ben  Jackson,  I  have  lost  a  yoke  of  oxen. 
If  I  am  not  Ben  Jackson,  I  have  found  a 
cart." 

It  can  be  easily  understood  that  the  friends 
in  ambush  soon  reassured  Ben  as  to  his 
identity.  Just  how  much  of  the  rum  was  left 

[240] 


WHITE  BIRCHES  OF  NEW  ENGLAND 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

when  he  finally  arrived  home  does  not  appear 
in  the  record. 

It  will  be  noted  that  in  this  instance  a 
practical  joke  was  played  upon  an  unsuspect- 
ing citizen  which  placed  him  in  a  ridiculous 
light.  However,  if  the  same  practical  joke 
had  resulted  in  anything  like  personal  injury 
or  damage  to  property,  it  would  have  been 
met  with  local  disgust  or  indignation,  all  of 
which  indicates  merely  inherent  common  sense. 

In  the  more  leisurely  days  it  was  the  cus- 
tom that  friends  or  neighbors  meeting  while 
driving  on  the  highway,  would  stop  their 
teams  and  have  a  little  chat  in  the  roadway. 
An  exchange  of  jovial  banter  under  such  con- 
ditions was  not  only  frequent  but  expected. 
As  an  example  there  was  the  chance  meeting 
between  Mr.  Peck  and  Mr.  Wells. 

"The  Farther  You  Go  the  Better 
They  Are" 

Mr.   Peck,  who  had  recently  removed  from 
his  native  town  some  dozen  miles  away,  was 
returning  to  his  new  home  from  a  brief  visit 
16  [  241  ] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

to  his  former  town  and  met  Mr.  Wells,  an 
old  neighbor,  in  the  highway.  Being  con- 
genial acquaintances,  there  naturally  followed 
a  general  conversation  in  which  Mr.  Peck  in- 
quired as  to  the  well-being  of  various  mutual 
friends.  There  was  much  for  Mr.  Wells  to 
tell,  and  Mr.  Peck  enjoyed  getting  all  the 
news  from  his  old  neighborhood.  It  required 
several  minutes  for  Mr.  Wells  to  lay  before  Mr. 
Peck  these  numerous  details.  Just  about  this 
time  a  heavy  team  approached  nearer  and 
nearer  and  it  was  necessary,  in  view  of  the 
narrowness  of  the  road,  for  these  old  friends 
to  separate.  As  Mr.  Wells  started  up  his 
horse  to  move  along,  he  remarked: 

"There  are  some  mighty  fine  people  in  our 
old  town." 

"Yes,"  replied  Mr.  Peck,  "and  the  farther 
you  go  the  better  they  are." 

The  personal  application  of  Mr.  Peck's  re- 
mark will  be  appreciated  when  it  is  explained 
that  Mr.  Wells  lived  on  the  very  first  farm 
across  the  boundary  line  in  the  town  under 
discussion. 


[242] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

In  these  degenerate  gasoline  days,  there  is 
less  opportunity  for  such  friendly  exchanges 
of  left-handed  compliments.  When  the  horse 
was  the  chief  mode  of  conveyance,  the  fre- 
quent watering  trough  afforded  occasional 
chances  for  the  circulation  of  the  perennial 
Yankee  jokes. 

"Say,  Put  the  Doctor  Ahead" 

A  man  returning  to  his  farm  from  a  visit 
to  the  grocery  store,  in  waiting  to  give  his 
horse  a  drink,  fell  in  behind  an  unusual  col- 
lection of  vehicles.  At  the  head  of  the  line 
with  his  horse's  nose  in  the  trough,  was  a 
well-known  undertaker.  Directly  behind,  wait- 
ing for  his  turn  was  a  veteran  dealer  in 
tomb-stones.  And  next  in  line  was  the  village 
doctor.  The  man  in  the  rear,  who  knew  all 
the  parties  concerned,  could  not  resist  the  op- 
portunity to  make  a  suggestion. 

'"Say,"  he  called  in  loud  tones  to  those  in 
front.  "You've  got  this  procession  dead 
wrong;  you  ought  to  put  the  doctor  ahead!" 


[243] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

All  this  is  but  a  part  of  the  record  of  the 
past.  The  actors  have  all  passed  on,  but 
there  are  many  more  recent  echoes  of  amusing 
happenings  along  the  country  roads. 

The  Scrambled  Eggs  in  the  Highway 

At  the  foot  of  a  long  hill,  near  the  out- 
skirts of  a  certain  busy  town,  the  middle  of 
the  snowy  road  for  a  protracted  period  of 
winter  cold,  presented  the  appearance  of  well 
scrambled  eggs..  In  reality  it  was  not  exactly 
an  optical  delusion  either.  A  well-known 
farmer,  who  lived  considerably  back  in  the 
hill  country,  started  out  one  day  in  his  old- 
fashioned  "pung"  sleigh  to  deliver  to  a  local 
grocery  store  two  or  three  weeks'  accumula- 
tion of  fresh  laid  eggs.  These  were  carefully 
packed  in  a  receptacle  with  a  loose  cover. 
Just  as  he  was  reaching  the  foot  of  the  hill 
near  the  railroad,  a  train  suddenly  darted 
into  view  and  while  his  horse  was  old  enough 
to  have  become  steady,  he  had  never  become 
reconciled  to  the  arrogant  actions  of  a  loco- 
motive. He  gave  a  quick  leap  and  in  spite 
of  the  best  efforts  of  his  driver,  succeeded  in 

[244] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

dumping  the  contents  of  the  sleigh  into  the 
middle  of  the  road.  The  slaughter  of  eggs 
was  practically  complete. 

The  conventional  thing  to  say  would  be 
that  the  driver,  who  soon  controlled  his  horse, 
returned  to  his  home  a  sadly  disappointed 
man.  But  this  would  in  reality  be  a  mis- 
statement.  The  spectacle  of  thirteen  dozen 
eggs  totally  wrecked  in  the  middle  of  the 
highway  and  the  prospective  wonderment  of 
passersby  so  stimulated  the  farmer's  Irish 
sense  of  humor,  that  he  told  the  story  with 
great  delight  to  everyone  whom  he  could  in- 
duce to  listen  to  him.  Naturally  his  attitude 
regarding  this  untoward  event  might  have  been 
somewhat  different  had  he  been  in  circum- 
stances which  made  the  loss  of  the  eggs  a 
matter  of  any  real  importance. 

The  occasional  wrecked  vehicle  which  may 
be  seen  by  the  roadside  in  country  districts 
is  more  likely  in  these  days  to  be  a  gasoline 
buggy  than  one  drawn  by  horses.  But  one 
midsummer  day  not  long  ago,  travelers  along 
a  back  country  road  observed  with  much 

[245] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

curiosity  what  remained  of  an  old  time  buggy 
which  indicated  a  bad  case  of  misunderstand- 
ing between  some  horse  and  its  driver.  Those 
who  found  out  the  facts  were  considerably 
amused. 

The  Story  of  the  Rebellious  Horse 

A  prominent  farmer  in  the  neighborhood 
had  somewhere  acquired  a  horse  whose  dis- 
position had  become  permanently  sour.  This 
horse  was  not  satisfied  to  work  eight  hours  a 
day,  or  six  hours,  or  in  fact  to  do  any  work 
at  all.  She  was  on  a  permanent  strike  and 
inclined  to  sabotage.  Her  owner  therefore 
decided  that  there  was  no  use  in  bothering 
any  longer  and  announced  his  intention  of 
having  the  horse  killed. 

About  a  half  mile  away  there  was  a  young 
man  who  believed  that  he  possessed  certain 
hypnotic  powers,  at  least  in  the  matter  of 
horses.  He  told  the  owner  of  the  striker 
aforesaid  that  it  was  a  shame  to  close  out 
as  good  a  horse  as  that,  whereupon  the  owner 
promptly  made  him  a  present  of  the  animal. 
The  young  man  led  the  horse  home  and  made 

[246] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

elaborate  plans  for  a  process  of  education  and 
benevolent  philanthropy  which  would  cause  the 
rebellious  equine  to  see  things  in  an  entirely 
different  light. 

As  the  eccentric  horse  had  a  record  of  be- 
coming too  handy  with  her  heels,  it  was  de- 
sirable to  proceed  with  caution. 

The  early  results  of  the  ensuing  course  of 
treatment  were  encouraging.  The  horse  seemed 
to  respond  to  the  humane  methods  of  the  ex- 
perimenter. Every  evening  the  horse  received 
a  lesson  and  finally  was  harnessed  and  driven 
short  distances  on  the  highway.  His  new 
owner,  however,  seemed  to  prefer  seclusion 
for  his  experiments.  At  last  he  began  to  be 
convinced  that  the  horse's  nature  was  entirely 
changed.  He  was  elated  with  the  success  of 
his  efforts. 

Finally  he  decided  that  the  time  was  near 
when  he  could  exhibit  his  new  possession  by 
daylight.  He  looked  forward  with  much 
anticipation  to  the  admiration  with  which  his 
efforts  would  be  regarded  by  all  the  young 
men  of  his  acquaintance. 

[247] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

Before  making  this  public  show  of  his 
horse,  he  concluded  to  give  it  one  more  try- 
out.  He  had  always  driven  with  a  stiff 
check  rein  which  held  the  horse's  head  very 
high.  When  a  horse's  heels  go  up,  its  head 
goes  down.  After  making  a  little  detour  on 
a  comparatively  level  road,  he  turned  on  to 
a  stretch  of  road  which  led  up  a  hill.  When 
he  had  nearly  reached  the  top  it  occurred  to 
him  that  it  was  a  little  hard  on  the  now  re- 
formed horse  to  make  her  climb  where  it  was 
so  steep  with  the  head  held  up  so  high.  He 
stopped  the  animal,  got  out  of  the  buggy  and 
unhooked  the  check  rein.  He  resumed  his 
seat  in  the  buggy,  gathered  up  the  reins  and 
started  the  horse  again.  Holding  the  reins 
very  firmly  he  was,  for  a  minute  or  two,  able 
to  keep  the  animal's  head  in  nearly  the  de- 
sired position.  Then  followed  a  struggle  be- 
tween the  horse  and  the  driver  which  resulted 
finally  in  the  horse  depressing  its  head  to  the 
right  angle,  after  which  there  was  a  most  re- 
markable bombardment  of  rapidly  moving  heels 
which,  according  to  the  driver's  subsequent  re- 
port, established  a  new  record  over  anything  he 

[248] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

had  ever  yet  heard  of.  The  horse  trainer  for- 
tunately succeeded  in  escaping  uninjured  from 
the  vehicle,  got  the  horse  by  the  head,  un- 
fastened the  straps,  and  ran  what  was  left  of 
the  wagon  up  on  to  the  bank  at  the  roadside, 
from  which  point  he  led  his  horse  home, 
thankful  that  the  shades  of  evening  were  such 
as  to  make  his  movements  obscure.  The 
horse  regeneration  experiment  was  a  failure. 

While  the  more  remote  highways  of  New 
England  are  anything  but  a  joy  during  cer- 
tain months,  they  become  more  attractive  as 
the  fields  and  woodlands  assume  their  sum- 
mer hues. 

What  Happened  to  the  Junk  Man 

One  of  the  first  signs  of  well  developed 
spring  in  the  farming  sections  is  the  appear- 
ance of  the  traveling  junk  man. 

The  conventional  outfit  required  for  this 
branch  of  commerce  is  a  substantial  wagon  of 
medium  size  and  a  horse  of  sufficient  age  and 
discretion  to  stand  patiently  by  the  roadside 
while  the  driver  dickers  for  old  metals,  worn- 

[249] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

out  rubber  footgear  and  the  surplus  burlap 
grain  bags  which  are  apt  to  accumulate  on 
the  average  dairy  farm.  It  is  probable  that 
the  real,  conscientious  traveling  tourist  of  this 
variety  does  not  allow  himself  to  profiteer  to 
a  greater  extent  than  say  4000  per  cent.  As 
might  be  expected,  these  travelers  are  not  re- 
garded with  much  enthusiasm,  although  they 
are  allowed  to  carry  away  that  which  otherwise 
would  be  a  total  waste. 

One  of  these  aggressively  industrious  people 
was  making  his  rounds  one  day  and  left  his 
team  in  front  of  a  farmhouse  while  he  inter- 
viewed the  proprietor.  Just  at  this  point 
some  men  were  repairing  the  road.  Although 
his  negotiations  occupied  several  minutes,  he 
returned  empty  handed,  climbed  into  his 
wagon  and  moved  along.  Shortly  afterward 
he  turned  off  the  main  thoroughfare  on  to  a  side 
road  which  soon  became  quite  steep.  His  faith- 
ful horse  had  never  failed  him  so  he  was  sur- 
prised to  have  him  falter.  Finally,  in  spite 
of  the  driver's  agitated  words  of  encourage- 
ment, the  wagon  began  to  back  down  hill, 
landing  in  a  ditch. 

[250] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

No  damage  was  done,  but  it  was  all  very 
mysterious  to  the  junk  man.  He  could  not  un- 
derstand what  had  happened  to  the  horse. 
The  animal  did  not  seem  to  be  sick  and  had 
never  been  inclined  to  be  balky.  At  last  he 
concluded  to  take  an  inventory  of  the  load. 
Lifting  a  pile  of  ancient  burlap  bags  in  the 
rear  of  the  wagon,  he  discovered  eight  or  ten 
large  boulders,  each  being  about  as  large  as 
two  men  could  lift.  It  seemed  very  amusing 
to  the  men  working  on  the  highway  a  short 
distance  away  when  the  junk  man  by  her- 
culean efforts  succeeded  in  dumping  the  rocks 
out  of  the  end  of  the  wagon. 

What  Happened  to  Another  Junk  Dealer 

On  another  occasion  a  young  scion  of  a 
prosperous  junk  dealer  started  out  with  a 
high  powered  automobile  to  make  a  quick 
collection  of  burlap  grain  sacks  which  at  that 
time  were  in  demand  at  very  high  prices. 
Naturally  he  did  not  care  to  pay  much  for 
these  bags  and  he  was  not  taken  very  seri- 
ously by  the  up-to-date  farmers  whom  he 
visited.  Passing  into  an  unfamiliar  section  he 

[251] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

asked  the  manager  of  a  large  farm  whom  he 
had  been  annoying  by  his  persistent  methods, 
as  to  how  he  could  reach  a  certain  neighbor- 
hood not  far  away  where  there  were  a  group 
of  large  dairy  farms.  He  received  directions 
and  shortly  after  appeared  at  one  of  these 
farms  complaining  bitterly  of  the  state  of  the 
highway.  The  man  who  listened  to  his  com- 
plaint could  not  understand  why  he  had  found 
such  bad  roads.  A  little  questioning  demon- 
strated the  fact  that  in  his  disgust  at  the 
unwillingness  of  the  opulent  junk  man  to  take 
"no"  for  an  answer,  the  manager  of  the  farm 
before  mentioned  had  directed  him  to  take  a 
crossroad  which  was  considered  locally  as 
practically  impassable,  even  for  a  farm  wagon. 
The  commercial  tourist  succeeded  in  making 
his  perilous  way  across  to  a  place  of  safety 
but  he  narrowly  escaped  heart  failure. 

To  those  of  rural  districts  who  seldom 
travel  far  from  the  home  fireside,  there  are 
suggestions  of  possible  interest  and  entertain- 
ment in  conversing  with  strange  frequenters 
of  the  highway.  This  was  especially  true  of 

[252] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

earlier  days  when,  because  of  frugal  habits 
and  rather  unsatisfactory  public  roads,  un- 
familiar faces  in  the  highways  were  few 
indeed. 

The  Inquisitive  Man  by  the  Roadside 

It  is  not  surprising  therefore  that  when  a 
real  old  gentleman  who  had  served  his  com- 
munity and  even  his  state  acceptably  in  his 
more  active  days,  observed  an  absolute  stranger 
walking  rapidly  up  the  road,  he  should  have 
meandered  out  to  the  front  gate  for  a  little 
closer  inspection. 

The  traveler  was  evidently  in  haste,  but 
was  brought  up  to  a  short  turn  with  an  in- 
terrogation from  the  old  gentleman  that  it 
would  have  been  very  impolite  to  have  ignored. 
Then  followed  a  conversation  which  is  yet 
occasionally  referred  to  after  more  than  half 
a  century. 

"You  seem  to  be  in  a  hurry  today." 

"Yes,  I  am." 

"Where  did  you  come  from?" 

"I  came  from   Monkton." 

"When  did  you  leave  there?" 
[253] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

"Day  before  yesterday." 

"Where  did  you  stay  last  night?" 

"I  stayed  in  Goshen." 

"Where  are  you  going  today?" 

"I  am  going  to  Jericho." 

"What  are  you  going  to  Jericho  for?" 

"I  am  going  to  school." 

"A  man  as  old  as  you  going  to  school! 
What  are  you  going  to  school  for?" 

"I  am  going  to  school  to  see  if  I  can't 
learn  how  to  mind  my  own  business." 

The  stranger  passed  on  and  left  the  old 
man  thinking  it  over.  The  more  he  thought 
it  over  the  more  he  was  sure  it  was  a  good 
joke  on  himself,  and  being  a  genuine  Yankee, 
he  enjoyed  the  joke  just  as  well  as  though  it 
had  been  on  someone  else  and  it  soon  became 
well  known  to  his  acquaintances. 

But  while  the  interchange  of  civilities  among 
near  or  more  or  less  remote  neighbors  who 
chance  to  meet  in  the  highway,  is  quite  prone 
to  touch  upon  the  humorous  episodes  which 
are  constantly  happening  to  normal  human 

[254] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

beings,  there  is  occasionally  a  glimpse  of  the 
pathetic. 

The  Misfortunes  of  Mr.  Foley 

A  man  who  had  quite  an  extensive  ac- 
quaintance in  a  certain  section  was  driving  to 
town  one  day  and  at  a  turn  of  the  road  met  a 
genial  old  Irishman  who  was  jogging  his  fat 
and  sleepy  old  horse  along  toward  home.  The 
two  had  not  met  for  quite  a  while  and  the 
conversation  was  much  prolonged.  After  in- 
quiring as  to  Uncle  Jimmie's  health  and  that  of 
his  family,  and  the  outlook  for  the  hay  crop  and 
various  other  subjects  of  mutual  interest,  in- 
quiry was  made  as  to  some  of  Uncle  Jimmie's 
Irish  friends.  Finally  Mr.  Foley's  name  was 
mentioned.  A  shadow  came  over  Uncle  Jimmie's 
face. 

"Ah!  it  is  indeed  sorry  I  am  for  poor  Mr. 
Foley.  First  he  lost  the  foal  of  his  mare; 
then  he  lost  a  sow  and  litter  of  pigs;  and 
now,  poor  mon,  he's  lost  his  wife.'' 


[255] 


CHAPTER  XIII 
SAD  TALES  OF  PRE-PROHIBITION  DAYS. 

IT  would  seem  to  be  eminently  fitting  to 
group  the  events  chronicled  below  in  the 
Thirteenth  Chapter  of  this  History. 

In  the  light  of  present  day  happenings  and 
with  the  echoes  of  rage,  despair  and  lamen- 
tation filling  our  ears,  it  would  be  hard  to 
imagine  the  incredulity  with  which  many 
worthy,  and  otherwise,  patriots  of  a  former 
generation  would  have  regarded  the  possibili- 
ties of  the  present  prohibition  era.  Indeed, 
there  are  many  who  now,  looking  back  to 
earlier  days,  can  with  relief  affectionately  re- 
call various  old-timers  who  have  passed  on  to 
another  existence,  and  thus  been  mercifully 
spared  the  desolate  days  which  now  follow 
each  other  in  hopeless  succession. 

However,  there  is  such  a  thing  as  carrying 
pathos  too  far.  So  we  will  let  the  scenes 
shift  to  a  famous  day  in  the  history  of  Hank 
Towner. 

[256] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 


The  Return  of  a  War  Hero 

No  one  in  his  native  town  had  ever  sus- 
pected Hank  Towner  of  being  a  hero.  The 
ordinary  pursuits  of  peace  held  little  attrac- 
tion for  Hank,  at  least  that  portion  which  in- 
volved real  actual  labor.  To  be  sure,  there 
was  plenty  of  reason  why  Hank  should  work 
every  day,  but  there  were  other  reasons  why 
he  did  not  work  except  occasionally,  and  the 
chief  of  these  reasons  was  John  Barleycorn. 

However,  this  is  a  world  of  unsuspected 
opportunity,  as  Hank  found  out  for  himself. 
This  was  many,  many  years  ago,  but  as  Hank 
persisted  long  years  after  the  supposed  scrip- 
tural limit  of  seventy  years,  his  history  re- 
mains vivid. 

War  was  declared  with  Mexico,  and  about 
the  very  first  to  respond  to  the  call  for 
volunteers  was  Hank.  Military  life  appealed 
to  him,  and  he  became  a  model  soldier.  This 
fact,  however,  made  little  impression  upon 
his  fellow  citizens  who  had  known  him 
so  long  under  different  circumstances.  His 
company  marched  away  and  the  war  went  on 
«  [  257  ] 


and  although  Hank  was  reported  to  be  a 
good  soldier,  it  seemed  to  his  former  asso- 
ciates that  there  must  be  some  exaggeration 
about  it. 

One  day  the  town  woke  up.  There  had 
been  a  great  battle,  at  least  great  for  those 
times,  and  wonder  of  wonders,  one  of  their 
own  boys  had  distinguished  himself  and  be- 
come a  national  hero.  The  newspaper  reports 
were  read  eagerly  and  in  all  details.  Hank 
who  was  assigned  to  a  battery  company,  had 
remained  at  his  post  when  his  comrades  had 
fled  and  had  single-handed  held  the  enemy 
back  with  volleys  of  grape-shot. 

The  town  was  even  more  impressed  when 
it  was  learned  that  Congress  had  passed  a 
vote  of  thanks  to  the  distinguished  soldier 
whose  heroism  and  unfailing  nerve  had  saved 
the  day. 

Every  citizen  of  this  patriotic  little  town 
thrilled  at  this  report.  To  think  that  they 
had  had  a  national  hero  grow  up  in  their 
midst  and  had  never  recognized  the  fact! 
They  really  felt  ashamed  to  look  each  other 
in  the  face.  But  they  resolved  if  Hank  ever 

[258] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

got  back  to  his  home  town  he  would  get  an 
ovation  such  as  had  never  been  known  in  that 
valley  before. 

The  war  came  to  an  end.  The  troops  were 
ordered  home.  It  was  time  to  show  their 
appreciation. 

A  meeting  was  therefore  held  and  the  lead- 
ing citizens  constituting  the  Reception  Com- 
mittee were  authorized  to  equip  themselves 
with  badges,  engage  a  band  and  declare  a 
public  holiday  for  the  town,  in  order  that  the 
distinguished  son  who  had  cast  such  glory 
upon  even  the  most  conspicuous  of  the  town's 
people  should  receive  suitable  testimonial  of 
the  esteem  in  which  he  was  held.  This  of 
course  is  but  a  meager  abstract  of  the 
gracious  phrases  of  those  who  elaborated  the 
reception  plan. 

No  railroad  reached  the  town  at  that  time 
and  Boston  passengers  came  by  stagecoach. 
Definite  arrangements  were  however  made  by 
which  it  could  be  known  just  what  day  Hank 
would  arrive. 

The  auspicious  day  dawned  bright  and  fair 
and  business  was  practically  suspended.  Long 

[259] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

before  the  stage  was  due  to  arrive  early  in 
the  afternoon,  the  streets  were  thronged.  The 
Reception  Committee  had  repaired  to  the  prin- 
cipal hotel,  at  which  point  the  stage  was  to 
deliver  the  distinguished  passenger. 

Stagecoaches  were  run  on  an  excellent 
schedule  in  those  days.  And  at  about  the 
time  prepared  for  in  the  program,  small  boys 
who  had  climbed  the  tall  trees  on  the  hotel 
lawn,  announced  in  shrill  tones  that  the  stage 
was  coming.  A  thrill  passed  through  the 
crowd.  This  was  a  day  to  remember.  And 
indeed  it  was.  The  driver  of  the  six  Morgan 
horses  attached  to  the  stage  with  the  long 
reins  wound  around  his  hands,  brought  his 
equipage  skillfully  down  the  long  hill  and 
through  the  covered  bridge,  from  which  point 
he  passed  down  the  street  and  around  the 
corner.  The  road  was  now  straight  to  the 
hotel  and  the  spirited  horses  came  down  the 
street  with  a  rush,  drawing  up  before  the 
hotel  portico  with  a  grace  which  none  but 
Morgan  horses  could  ever  equal. 

The  Reception  Committee  of  distinguished 
citizens,  wearing  their  high  hats  and  badges, 

[260] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

now  came  impressively  down  the  steps  of  the 
hotel  and  formed  in  a  semi-circle  at  the  side 
of  the  coach.  Some  unfamiliar  passengers 
climbed  down  from  the  top  and  two  or  three 
women  looking  exceedingly  disgusted,  got  out 
of  the  interior  of  the  coach.  There  was  an 
awkward  pause.  Then  someone  asked  the 
driver, 

"Where's  Hank?" 

The  driver  pointed  significantly  toward  the 
interior  of  the  coach.  The  spokesman  of  the 
Reception  Committee  stepped  forward  and 
looked. 

Hank  had  arrived!  He  was  lying  in  a 
stupor  on  the  floor  of  the  coach,  while  the 
strong  alcoholic  odor  which  floated  out  upon 
the  atmosphere  made  all  further  questions 
unnecessary. 

It  is  often  hard  to  decide  whether  the  man 
who  performs  a  kind  deed  for  his  neighbor 
or  the  neighbor  himself  is  the  most  benefited 
by  the  friendly  act.  In  the  following  in- 
stance it  is  evident  that  the  chief  benefit  de- 
rived was  to  the  party  of  the  first  part. 

[261] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 


The  Motorist  Who  Was  Good  to 
Antoine 

Antoine  was  a  natural  born  hustler.  No 
one  knew  better  how  to  get  a  bumper  crop 
from  his  farm  or  how  to  drive  a  harder  bar- 
gain in  a  livestock  transaction.  His  naturally 
rapid  accumulation  of  assets,  however,  was 
being  constantly  depleted  by  the  apparent 
necessity  on  his  part  of  taking  a  few  days  off 
every  now  and  then,  in  order  that  he  might 
sample  various  brands  of  wet  goods.  As 
there  was  not  only  a  considerable  expenditure 
of  cash,  but  a  loss  of  time  involved  in  these 
holidays,  they  were  expensive,  even  if  we 
leave  out  the  consideration  of  fines  imposed 
when  Antoine' s  powers  of  locomotion  had  be- 
come totally  suspended. 

It  was  therefore  an  unpleasant  sight  to  a 
certain  prosperous  young  business  man  of  the 
vicinity,  when  one  afternoon,  at  the  intersec- 
tion of  two  busy  streets  he  beheld  Antoine 
whom  he  had  known  a  long  time,  ambling 
along  very  plainly  under  the  "influence."  To 
the  young  business  man  it  seemed  a  shame 

[262] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

that  so  naturally  industrious  and  worthy  a 
citizen  should  be  allowed  to  perambulate  di- 
rectly into  the  arms  of  a  cop,  which  seemed 
likely  to  happen  in  the  very  near  future,  and 
thus  very  likely  find  it  necessary  to  pay  a 
fine  before  he  could  get  back  to  his  farm. 

These  reflections  were  followed  by  a  noble 
and  generous  impulse.  Calling  to  Antoine,  he 
told  him  he  was  going  in  the  direction  of  the 
latter's  farm  and  would  be  glad  to  take  him 
home  in  his  car. 

Antoine  promptly  accepted  the  invitation, 
climbed  into  the  car  and  in  a  short  time  was 
unloaded,  safe  and  sound,  in  his  own  door 
yard.  He  expressed  loquacious  thanks  for  the 
favor  which  had  been  done  and  the  young 
business  man  went  on  to  look  after  some  in- 
cidental matters  in  the  vicinity,  feeling  greatly 
pleased  with  himself. 

Antoine's  farm  was  not  far  distant  from 
the  trolley  system  which  took  him  into  the 
town  from  which  he  had  just  recently  been 
delivered.  When  the  motorist  had  made  his 
rounds  and  returned  to  the  starting  point,  and 
had  run  his  car  up  to  the  curb,  he  looked  up 

[263] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

the  street  and  rubbed  his  eyes.  Had  the  last 
two  hours  been  a  dream,  or  had  he  actually 
performed  a  noble  act?  A  look  at  his  speed- 
ometer convinced  him  that  he  had  actually 
made  the  trip,  however. 

What  he  saw  that  was  so  confusing  was 
Antoine  just  getting  off  the  trolley  car.  There 
had  been  just  about  time  enough  since  he  had 
been  taken  home  for  him  to  meander  down  the 
road  and  catch  the  car  for  the  original  starting 
point. 

Antoine  had  come  back  to  town  to  finish 
the  job. 

To  certain  citizens  there  would  seem  to  be 
something  radically  wrong  with  society  when 
prohibition  officers  will  deliberately  receive 
and  sometimes  actually  destroy  "good  liquor." 

The  Tale  of  a  Rescued  Keg  of  Whiskey 

It  was  a  shock  to  Harry  W — years  ago 
when  he  heard  that  there  had  been  a  pro- 
hibition raid  on  a  certain  bottler  of  soda 
water  and  various  other  colored  fluids,  during 
which  several  five-gallon  "kags"  of  whiskey, 

[264] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

gin  and  brandy  had  been  dumped  uncere- 
moniously into  the  river. 

It  seemed  as  though  something  ought  to  be 
done  about  such  a  reckless  act  and  after 
some  reflection  Harry  decided  there  could  be. 
Hastening  down  the  street  to  the  outskirts  of 
the  town,  he  entered  a  fringe  of  bushes  by 
the  river  bank  and  waited.  Sure  enough, 
shortly  afterwards  down  came  two  kegs,  the 
bungs  of  which  had  been  knocked  out  before 
their  emersion  and  which  were  wabbling  along 
in  the  current. 

Wading  out  into  the  stream,  Harry  suc- 
ceeded in  towing  these  two  kegs  to  the  shore, 
and  pulling  them  into  the  bushes  he  anxiously 
sampled  the  contents.  In  one  of  the  recep- 
tacles, river  water  had  very  sadly  marred  the 
flavor  of  the  original  contents,  but  in  the 
other,  by  great  good  luck,  there  was  very 
little  adulteration.  Harry  smacked  his  lips 
and,  carefully  hiding  the  keg  in  the  brush, 
hastily  withdrew.  Late  in  the  evening  he  se- 
cured his  prize  and  succeeded  in  taking  it 
unobserved  to  the  home  of  his  father,  with 
whom  he  lived,  hiding  it  in  the  cellar. 

[265] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

When  Harry  told  his  father  what  he  had 
done,  the  latter  was  greatly  pleased,  but 
cautioned  him  that  he  must  not  let  a  certain 
younger  brother  know  anything  about  it,  as 
he  might  indulge  too  freely. 

From  that  time  on,  day  after  day,  the 
father  and  son,  coming  in  from  their  tasks, 
would  adroitly  make  their  way  to  the  care- 
fully concealed  prize  in  the  cellar,  from  which 
they  would  emerge  with  that  deep  satisfac- 
tion associated  with  luxuries  which  can  be 
enjoyed  at  someone's  else  expense. 

However,  the  younger  brother  became  in- 
terested. It  seemed  to  him  that  there  was 
"something  doing"  in  the  house.  So,  one 
morning  he  decided  that  he  was  not  able  to 
work  and  left  to  himself  he  made  a  careful 
search  of  the  cellar.  Just  what  he  did  after- 
wards may  be  inferred  from  the  sequel. 

When  the  father  and  son  sat  down  to  sup- 
per, there  was  a  vacant  place.  Hugh  was 
absent.  Just  what  he  was  doing  was  uncer- 
tain, but  the  mystery  was  soon  solved.  A 
kindly  neighbor  came  in  to  say  that  a  cop 
had  found  Hugh  parading  the  streets  in  such 

[266] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

an  extremely  hilarious  condition  that  he  had 
found  it  necessary  to  place  him  in  seclusion 
to  sober  up. 

The  next  morning  Harry  and  his  father 
went  to  court,  paid  the  fine  and  Hugh  was 
allowed  to  go  home.  Just  what  became  of 
the  keg  and  its  contents  does  not  appear  in 
the  history,  but  it  is  not  likely  that  it  was 
taken  back  to  the  river. 

While  the  anguish  produced  by  prohibition 
is  of  recent  date  in  most  states,  in  one  or 
two  New  England  states  it  befell  to  an  earlier 
generation  to  endure  this  form  of  privation  a 
good  many  years  ago. 

The   Prohibition   Whale  Oil 

In  this  region  prohibition  made  its  entrance 
about  the  time  that  whale  oil  was  in  its  last 
stages  of  usefulness  for  illuminating  purposes. 

It  had  been  a  long  established  custom  to 
include  among  other  necessities  at  the  grocery 
store,  the  refilling  of  the  family  jug  with 
Medford  rum.  And  when,  owing  to  meddle- 
some tactics  of  certain  teetotalers,  storekeepers 

[267] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

became  somewhat  shy  about  replenishing  these 
jugs,  there  was  much  dismay. 

However,  there  were  exceptional  dealers  who 
not  only  had  a  stock  of  old  Medford  on  hand, 
but  felt  a  deep  sympathy  for  old  reliable  cus- 
tomers who  were  thus  subjected  to  such  in- 
convenience, and  who  would  "find  a  way." 
One  of  these  ways  was  to  have  the  customer 
call  for  oil  and  at  the  same  time  give  a  cer- 
tain signal.  When  this  plan  was  working 
well,  the  customer  would  find  the  contents  of 
the  jug  to  be  entirely  satisfactory. 

One  Saturday  afternoon,  two  worthy  citi- 
zens who  lived  on  adjacent  farms  back  on  the 
hills,  started  to  go  to  the  country  store  to 
do  a  little  "trading"  for  their  wives.  Inci- 
dentally one  of  them  took  along  the  faithful 
old  jug  which  had  been  refilled  several  times 
in  a  very  satisfactory  way  since  the  prohibi- 
tion edict  was  supposed  to  be  in  full  working 
order. 

Entering  the  store,  the  man  with  the  jug 
approached  the  counter  and  gave  his  order 
for  a  few  small  articles  needed  by  the  house- 
keeper at  home.  As  there  were  people  stand- 

[268] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

ing  about  and  the  clerk  was  a  new  recruit, 
the  customer  asked  that  the  clerk  fill  the  jug 
with  "oil,"  at  the  same  time  giving  him  the 
usual  signal,  a  broad  wink.  After  a  brief 
chat  with  acquaintances  regarding  crops,  the 
weather,  etc.,  the  customer  gathered  up  his 
parcels  and  his  jug  and  accompanied  by  his 
neighbor,  who  had  also  made  some  moderate 
purchases,  went  outside,  placed  the  parcels  in 
the  buggy  and  started  for  home. 

It  is  quite  likely  that  they  would  not  have 
started  for  home  nearly  so  soon  but  for 
anticipations  associated  with  the  jug.  A  half 
mile  or  so  out  of  the  village  there  was  a  bend 
in  the  road,  an  old-time  covered  bridge  being 
the  only  building  in  sight.  The  team  was 
brought  to  a  halt  and  while  the  horse  started 
to  browse  by  the  roadside,  the  jug  was 
brought  out  by  the  owner,  uncorked  and 
passed  over  to  his  friend,  who,  relieving  him- 
self of  a  "chew,"  lifted  the  jug  to  his  lips 
and  took  a  large  mouthful  of  the  contents. 
Controlling  himself  by  violent  effort,  he  passed 
the  jug  back  to  the  owner  who  was  waiting 
with  as  much  patience  as  he  could  muster, 

[269] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

leaned  over  the  side  of  the  buggy  and  suc- 
ceeded in  relieving  his  mouth  of  its  unwel- 
come contents.  The  owner  of  the  jug,  how- 
ever, was  not  so  fortunate,  as  in  his  eager- 
ness he  swallowed  a  good-sized  mouthful  of 
the  whale  oil  before  he  discovered  his  hor- 
rible mistake. 

Tradition  has  it  that  these  two  worthies 
were  never  quite  so  friendly  after  that  unfor- 
tunate incident.  What  happened  to  the  store 
clerk  is  unknown. 

Kerosene  oil  would  doubtless  prove  to  be  a 
very  enticing  beverage  compared  with  whale 
oil,  perhaps  as  nauseous  as  any  oleaginous 
substance  yet  discovered. 

When  in  prohibition  times  some  pleading 
citizen  who  has  been  the  recipient  of  illegiti- 
mate favors  becomes  too  much  elated  and 
"discloses"  on  his  benefactor  (?),  he  is  re- 
garded by  the  faithful  as  having  reached  the 
subterranean  depths  of  infamy. 


[270] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 


The  Righteous  Wrath  of  "Marm" 
Hooker 

Such  was  the  opinion  at  least  of  a  cer- 
tain robust  woman  who  kept  a  hotel  and  who 
was  widely  known  as  Marm  Hooker.  Yield- 
ing to  the  persuasions  and  implorings  of  a 
certain  ne'er-do-well,  she  supplied  him  with  a 
flask  of  stimulant  which  he  needed  for  his 
"run  down  system."  The  result  was  that  the 
object  of  her  benevolence  became  hilarious 
and  later  on,  under  the  severe  cross-examina- 
tion of  the  prohibition  officer,  "disclosed"  on 
his  benefactress.  In  her  opinion,  human  de- 
pravity could  reach  no  lower  depths. 

Besides  providing  accommodations  for  man 
and  beast  in  the  function  of  tavern  keeper, 
Marm  Hooker  would  arrange  once  a  month 
or  so  during  the  winter  for  a  public  dance  in 
the  old-fashioned  hall  at  her  hotel.  Patrons 
who  attended  these  dances  were  not  exclusive 
in  their  social  ideas. 

In  a  remote  corner  of  the  second  floor  of 
the  tavern,  there  was  a  small  room  and  when 
the  dance  was  well  under  way,  Marm  Hooker 

[271] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

would  withdraw  to  this  little  sanctum  of  hers, 
while  those  whom  she  regarded  as  trustworthy 
would  one  by  one  secure  admission  for  two 
or  three  minutes. 

One  night  who  should  appear  at  this  dance, 
which  was  public,  but  the  ignominious  person 
who  had  at  one  time  "disclosed."  When 
Marm  Hooker  learned  that  he  was  present, 
she  frowned,  but  when  she  opened  the  door 
of  her  sanctum,  after  repeated  knocks  and 
found  that  this  same  person  had  the  unparal- 
leled impudence  to  again  ask  for  liquid  re- 
freshments, her  indignation  found  expression, 
with  such  effect  that  the  applicant  slunk  away 
in  confusion. 

An  hour  passed.  At  a  certain  signal  the 
door  would  be  opened  and  a  customer  ad- 
mitted. Business  had  been  brisk  and  the 
robust  proprietress  had  forgotten  for  a  moment 
the  impudent  assurance  of  the  man  whom  she 
had  chased  away.  There  came  another  signal 
in  exactly  the  prescribed  form  and  this  genial 
lady,  opening  the  door  two  or  three  inches, 
had  it  pushed  wider  open  and  who  should 
come  inside  but  the  obnoxious  visitor  afore- 

[272] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

said.  As  he  came  in,  he  slammed  the  door 
shut,  locked  it  and  put  the  key  in  his  pocket. 
He  then  informed  Marm  Hooker  that  he 
should  not  leave  unless  she  supplied  him  with 
a  flask  of  whiskey. 

It  would  appear  that  the  robust  lady  was 
cornered,  but  subsequent  events  proved  other- 
wise. Pausing  for  a  moment  in  amazement 
at  the  boldness  of  the  intruder,  she  rushed 
forward  and  seizing  the  man  with  an  iron 
grip,  hurled  him  against  the  door  with  such 
force  that  it  was  completely  shattered,  the 
victim  falling  in  a  heap  outside. 

Righteous  indignation  can  accomplish  wonders. 

Those  who  reside  in  the  great  cities  be- 
come somewhat  callous  to  those  frequent 
tragedies  to  which  poor  humanity  is  still  sub- 
ject. But  there  was  considerable  excitement 
in  a  little  country  town  one  morning  when  an 
elderly  resident  was  found  dead  in  a  clump 
of  bushes  by  the  roadside. 


18 


[273] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE  LORE 

"Poor  Kelly  Took  the  Rest" 

The  victim,  named  Kelly,  was  an  amiable, 
harmless  individual  who  was  well  along  in 
years  and  led  a  rather  inactive  life.  While 
there  were  no  marks  indicating  violence,  the 
circumstances  were  somewhat  suspicious. 

An  inquest  seemed  in  order  and  the  proper 
officials  gathered  at  a  suitable  location  to  in- 
vestigate, so  far  as  possible,  the  circumstances 
associated  with  the  case.  Inquiries,  however, 
seemed  to  produce  no  results,  until  at  last 
someone  recalled  seeing  Mr.  Kelly  the  day 
before  in  the  company  of  Uncle  Jimmy  Daley, 
a  kind  and  generally  respected  old  man  who 
lived  on  a  little  farm  some  miles  away. 

A  sheriff's  officer  was  therefore  hurriedly 
dispatched  with  a  lively  horse  to  bring  Uncle 
Jimmy  to  the  inquest.  In  a  relatively  short 
time  Uncle  Jimmy  appeared,  apparently  very 
much  cast  down  at  the  sad  news  regarding 
Mr.  Kelly. 

Various  other  witnesses,  who  later  recalled 
having  seen  the  deceased  on  the  previous  day, 

[274] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

gave  their  testimony  one  after  another,  Uncle 
Jimmy  sitting  disconsolately  in  the  background. 
Finally  he  was  called  forward  and  asked  to 
tell  what  he  knew  of  the  departed. 

There  was  of  course  an  opportunity  for  the 
witness  to  go  into  considerable  detail,  but  he 
did  not  apparently  consider  it  necessary.  And 
after  he  had  made  his  simple  statement,  there 
seemed  to  be  no  occasion  to  procrastinate  the 
proceedings  any  further. 

"Yes,"  said  Uncle  Jimmy,  "I  found  Mr. 
Kelly  yisterday  here  in  tow-un  and  as  he  lives 
along  the  road  toward  my  place,  I  invited 
him  to  ride  with  me.  After  we  had  gone  up 
the  road  a  piece,  Mr.  Kelly  took  a  good 
sized  bottle  of  whiskey  out  of  his  pocket  and 
offered  me  a  drink.  Indeed  he  offered  me 
several  drinks  on  the  way." 

The  court  thus  assembled  listened  with 
breathless  attention  to  this  simple  statement 
of  the  witness,  but  were  even  more  impressed 
with  his  final  words: 

"Yes,"  said  Uncle  Jimmy  in  a  sad  refrain, 
"I  took  what  was  good  for  me,  and  Kelly, 

[275] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

poor  mon,  took  the  rest.     And  now  he's  no 
more  the  day." 

Uncle  Jimmy  was  excused.  The  court  hastily 
agreed  upon  a  verdict  and  the  inquest  was 
over. 


[276] 


CHAPTER  XIV 
TALES  OF  THE  FARM  HIRED  MAN 

ANY  record  of  New  England  rural  life 
would  be  incomplete  that  left  out  the  farm 
hired  man. 

The  farm  employer  who  does  not  make  a 
careful  study  of  how  to  get  the  best  service 
he  can  from  his  help,  and  at  the  same  time 
retain  that  good  will  and  cheerful  co-opera- 
tion which  are  so  essential  to  pleasant  personal 
relations,  is  not  likely  to  succeed  to  any  satis- 
factory degree. 

The  Hand  Mowers  at  Murray's 

Mr.  Murray  conducted  a  large  and  some- 
what rocky  farm  in  the  days  before  farm 
machinery  had  been  developed  to  anything 
like  its  present  state  of  efficiency.  He  had  a 
large  field  of  grass  that  he  was  in  a  hurry 
to  cut  and  put  in  the  barn.  The  field  was 
pretty  nearly  rectangular  and  one  July  day 
Mr.  Murray  devised  a  very  ingenious  plan. 

[277] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

There  were  four  hired  men  to  undertake  the 
job  of  mowing  the  field  with  hand  scythes. 
Three  of  these  men  were  assigned  brief  tasks, 
the  fourth  taking  his  place  to  turn  the  grind- 
stone while  the  proprietor  ground  the  scythe. 
This  man  was  then  told  to  mow  around  the 
field. 

Another  man  was  called  up  to  perform  the 
same  duty  at  the  grindstone,  after  which  he 
was  sent  after  number  one.  The  third  and 
fourth  each  took  their  turn  and  was  started 
after  the  others. 

It  took  just  about  the  same  time  at  the 
grindstone  as  to  mow  across  one  side  of  the 
rectangular  field.  Consequently  number  one 
was  just  starting  on  the  last  lap  when  num- 
ber four  struck  in  behind  the  others. 

The  owner's  scheme  was  now  plain  to  the 
four  mowers.  He  was  expecting  each  man 
would  exert  himself  to  overtake  the  next  one. 
But  instead  of  being  resentful,  the  humor  of 
the  situation  appealed  to  them.  They  entered 
into  the  spirit  of  the  occasion  with  enthusiasm 
and  before  twelve  noon  they  had  completed 
their  tasks  and  made  a  record. 

[278] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Naturally  the  owner  of  the  farm  was  much 
pleased  with  the  result  of  his  carefully  laid 
out  plan.  But  it  is  not  to  be  supposed  that 
other  occasions  did  not  furnish  opportunity 
for  the  hired  men  to  get  even.  The  farm 
holder  who  tries  crafty  methods  to  secure 
abnormal  production  by  his  employees  must 
expect  to  see  the  score  balanced  sooner  or 
later. 

That  "Hope  springs  eternal  in  the  human 
breast,"  is  shown  by  endless  demonstrations. 
A  conspicuous  example  of  that  hope  appeared 
in  the  unique  experience  of  the  country  editor. 

The  Sporting  Venture  of  the  Country 
Editor 

In  a  certain  green  valley  of  a  New  Eng- 
land state,  there  was  a  race  course.  . 
There  were  many  gamey  horses  in  that  valley 
and  the  speeding  fever  ran  high.  Several 
successive  trotting  events  associated  with  agri- 
cultural fairs,  had  drawn  the  attention  of 
horse  lovers  to  the  excellent  track.  And  so 
it  came  about  that  the  editor  of  a  little  coun- 

[279] 


NEW   ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

try  weekly,  who  lived  some  distance  away, 
conceived  a  brilliant  plan.  Tired  of  the 
meager  rewards  of  news  gathering,  he  de- 
cided to  organize  a  trotting  tournament  on 
this  popular  track  and  make  a  grand  coup. 

Therefore  he  made  his  announcements  of 
several  races  for  which  he  solicited  entries  by 
well-known  horsemen.  The  response  in  this 
respect  was  disappointing,  but  he  felt  sure  the 
revenues  from  gate  admissions  would  make 
the  venture  successful. 

The  eventful  day  was  fair  and  the  editor 
was  quite  elated  to  see  a  considerable  crowd 
gathering  to  watch  the  races.  This  state  of 
mind,  however,  received  a  rude  shock  when 
he  sauntered  out  to  the  entrance  to  get  an 
estimate  on  the  receipts.  He  found  to  his 
dismay  that  a  large  proportion  of  the  admis- 
sions had  been  on  the  strength  of  an  annual 
pass. 

Hastening  to  the  secretary  of  the  Associa- 
tion, he  was  blandly  informed  that  the  grad- 
ing of  the  track  had  been  done  on  a  co- 
operative plan  by  which  all  the  farmers  of 
the  valley  who  contributed  a  certain  amount 

[280] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

of  labor  were  entitled  to  admission  at  all 
times,  except  during  the  week  when  the  an- 
nual fair  was  being  held. 

This  was  a  staggering  blow.  He  was 
under  obligations  to  pay  the  trotting  purses 
and  the  prospects  were  that  he  would  be  sev- 
eral hundred  dollars  out  of  pocket.  Accord- 
ingly he  hastened  to  the  owners  of  the  trot- 
ting horses  and  proposed  that  they  accept  a 
pro  rata  percentage  of  the  premiums  as  sub- 
stitutes for  the  full  amounts.  He  was  coolly 
informed  that  they  didn't  do  business  that 
way.  Considering  themselves  victimized,  the 
owners  began  to  take  their  horses  off  the 
grounds. 

It  was  about  at  this  point  that  real  trouble 
began  to  loom  up.  Of  those  visitors  who  had 
actually  paid  good  money  for  admission,  there 
was  a  large  element  of  farm  hired  men. 
They  began  to  clamor  for  action.  They 
wanted  what  they  had  paid  for.  Getting  no 
satisfaction  from  the  race  horse  people,  they 
demanded  an  audience  with  the  editor.  He 
was  invisible.  Finally  someone  reported  that 

[281] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

he  had  been  seen  entering  the  woods  in  the 
rear  of  the  grounds. 

Just  as  the  vociferous  youths  had  about 
decided  to  organize  a  hunt  and  capture  the 
fugitive  dead  or  alive,  a  carriage  came  dash- 
ing through  the  gateway  and  a  well-known 
citizen  pulled  up  his  horse  before  the  crowd, 
and  demanded  the  attention  of  all.  He  said 
the  gentleman  by  his  side  was  the  man  they 
were  looking  for  and  that,  although  he  had 
been  alarmed  by  their  threatening  manner 
and  had  hastened  away,  he  had  come  back  to 
face  the  music. 

The  editor  now  arose  and  announced  that 
he  had  arranged  for  the  race  events  to  be 
carried  out.  The  volatile  spirits  of  the  boys 
were  quickly  evident.  The  races  were  called. 
The  horses  performed  in  a  satisfactory  man- 
ner and  harmony  reigned. 

But  back  in  seclusion  the  poor  country 
editor  was  signing  time  notes  to  make  up  the 
losses  of  the  day. 

And  yet  hope  springs  eternal! 


[282] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

The  husky  farm  hand  who  works  hard  during 
the  day  might  be  expected  to  retire  early.  And 
indeed  he  often  does;  but  there  are  occasions 
when  he  does  not  find  it  necessary. 

It  is  really  astonishing  how  much  day  and 
night  work  the  healthy  outdoor  worker  of 
twenty  or  twenty-five  can  endure. 

"I've  Found  the  Spring" 

It  was  late  summer  and  very  busy  times 
on  the  farm,  but  this  did  not  stand  in  the 
way  of  plans  for  a  certain  evening's  festivi- 
ties. These  plans  involved  several  young 
men,  a  robust  but  tender  young  rooster  and 
a  supply  of  fresh,  green  corn,  also  for  roast- 
ing purposes.  . 

The  scenes  of  these  activities  were  on  the 
shore  of  a  little  lake.  The  fringe  of  trees 
stretching  along  the  shore  allowed  the  selection 
of  a  location  which  was  invisible  to  all  but 
the  parties  interested. 

The  banquet  wras  a  great  success.  The 
corn  was  delicious  and  the  roast  chicken  even 
more  so.  There  was  an  abundance  of  jokes 
and  time  passed  rapidly. 

[283] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

A  supply  of  fresh  water  had  been  brought 
from  the  lake,  but  it  was  warm  and  tasteless. 
Finally  one  of  the  boys  suggested  that  he 
thought  there  was  a  cold  spring  near  by,  if 
they  could  only  locate  it. 

Away  from  the  cheerful  blaze  of  the  bon- 
fire, the  shores  of  the  lake  were  dark  as 
Egypt.  But  finally  one  of  the  boys  said  he 
believed  he  could  find  that  spring.  Taking  a 
small,  tin  pail,  which  they  had  thoughtfully 
brought  with  them,  he  started  out. 

Nothing  could  be  seen  of  the  young  man, 
but  his  flounderings  about  among  the  dense 
underbrush  were  plainly  audible.  Time  passed 
and  he  seemed  to  have  had  considerable  diffi- 
culty in  locating  the  spring.  Conversation  died 
away,  as  all  were  watching  and  listening. 
Suddenly  there  came  a  noise  of  a  succession 
of  ramblings  about  in  the  bushes,  followed  by 
a  loud  splash  as  of  someone  falling  heavily  in 
the  lake.  The  young  men  by  the  bonfire 
leaped  to  their  feet.  They  were  alarmed  but 
speedily  reassured. 

There  was  a  gurgling  noise  for  a  moment, 
next  the  sound  of  someone  swimming  in  the 

[284] 


THE  TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

lake    and    later    pulling    himself    up    by    the 
bushes,  and  then  the  well-known  voice  of  the 
missing   man    came    back    with    the    cheer* 
words : 

"Boys,  I  have  found  the  spring!" 

As  before  stated,  it  is  the  tactful  farm 
owner  who  secures  the  most  satisfactory  pro- 
duction in  the  way  of  farm  labor.  The  pro- 
fessional farm  hand  with  years  of  experience 
behind  him,  is  quite  prone  to  be  resentful  of 
criticism. 

The  Expert  Who  Repaired  the  Fences 

One  of  these  old-time  laborers  was  em- 
ployed by  a  man  who  owned  several  adjacent 
farms  and  there  was  always  a  superabundance 
of  work  on  hand. 

This  farmer  had  a  large  mountain  pasture 
for  his  young  cattle  and  it  was  rather  essen- 
tial that  the  fences  be  secure,  as  otherwise 
the  cattle  might  break  through,  wander  away 
and  be  hopelessly  astray  before  they  were 
missed. 

[285] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

One  spring  an  old  veteran  farm  hand  was 
intrusted  with  the  task  of  repairing  these 
fences.  After  several  days,  he  reported  that 
everything  was  all  right  and  was  assigned  to 
other  work.  A  day  or  two  later,  a  man  re- 
siding on  the  other  side  of  the  mountain,  re- 
ported that  the  young  cattle  had  broken  out 
and  were  in  his  enclosure. 

The  "boys,"  including  the  veteran  aforecaid, 
were  sent  after  the  strayers  and  devoted  the 
entire  afternoon  in  getting  them  back  into 
their  proper  domain.  The  next  morning  the 
same  veteran  fence  fixer  set  out  again  with  in- 
structions to  make  a  thorough  job  of  the  repairs 
this  time,  so  that  there  would  be  no  further 
trouble.  He  spent  another  day  on  the  fences 
and  came  back  at  night  with  positive  assur- 
ances to  the  owner  that  the  young  cattle  could 
not  possibly  go  astray  again. 

Two  or  three  days  later,  the  same  neigh- 
bor came  from  the  same  distant  farm,  inform- 
ing them  that  the  cattle  had  once  more  broken 
through  the  fences  and  again  a  rescue  party 
was  sent  after  the  wanderers. 

[286] 


THE   TONIC    OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

That  evening  at  the  supper  table  those 
present  seemed  disposed  to  consider  the  entire 
matter  a  pretty  good  joke  on  the  fence 
builder,  who  expressed  his  unqualified  amaze- 
ment as  to  how  the  fence  could  have  given 
away  after  all  he  had  done  to  put  it  in 
repair. 

The  owner  of  the  farm  who  had  listened  to 
the  various  jocose  comments  in  silence,  finally 
volunteered  an  explanation: 

"Probably  a  chipmunk  ran  along  the  fence 
somewhere  and  broke  it  down." 

When  next  the  fence  builder  reported  a 
satisfactory  job,  his  guarantee  was  found  to 
be  reliable. 


Sometimes  the  farm  hand  becomes  a  fixture 
in  the  family  and  is  regarded  with  real  affec- 
tion by  those  whom  he  has  seen  grow  up 
from  childhood. 


[287] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

The  Man  Who  "Arrived  In  a  Great 
Hurry" 

In  a  certain  bustling  New  England  city, 
there  was  a  young  married  woman  who  re- 
tained a  very  considerable  regard  for  the 
"hired  man"  who  had  lived  in  her  family 
from  her  earliest  recollections,  even  until  the 
present.  It  was  her  great  desire  to  have 
**Uncle  Harvey"  come  down  to  her  city  home 
and  let  her  show  him  around.  As  he  had 
scarcely  ever  left  the  town  in  which  he  was 
born  and  had  passed  his  lifetime,  this  lady 
could  see  great  possibilities  of  entertainment 
for  herself  as  well  as  for  Uncle  Harvey. 
Making  her  annual  summer  visit  at  the  old 
homestead,  she  repeated  her  invitation  with 
such  earnestness  that  Uncle  Harvey  was  fin- 
ally, but  with  evident  reluctance,  induced  to 
promise  to  visit  her  without  fail  that  fall. 

Every  time  she  wrote  home  she  sent  re- 
minders that  she  had  the  old  man's  positive 
promise  and  that  he  must  not  fail  her.  Fin- 
ally he  decided  he  had  to  go. 

[288] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

Uncle  Harvey  had  had  very  little  experi- 
ence in  railroad  travel  and  it  was  quite  a 
good  many  miles  from  the  farm  to  the  city 
home  where  he  was  to  be  entertained.  After 
considerable  discussion  as  to  whether  he 
should  take  a  very  early  train  that  stopped 
at  all  stations,  or  go  on  a  later  express  train, 
he  was  finally  induced  to  take  his  chances  on 
the  fast  train,  although  if  left  to  his  own 
choice  he  would  have  preferred  the  slower 
train  as  probably  being  more  safe  to  travel  on. 

With  a  new  traveling  bag,  especially  pur- 
chased for  the  occasion,  carefully  packed  for 
him,  Uncle  Harvey,  in  a  stunning  new  suit 
complete,  was  carried  to  the  railroad  station, 
assisted  to  buy  his  ticket  and  escorted  onto 
the  train.  His  excitement  was  manifest,  al- 
though with  pretended  calmness  he  tried  to 
keep  it  hidden.  His  escort  shook  the  old 
man's  hand  warmly  and  reminded  him  that 
he  had  promised  to  write  a  postal  card  as 
soon  as  he  reached  his  destination. 

The  train  moved  out  of  the  station  and 
Uncle  Harvey  was  lost  to  sight,  but  true  to 
his  promise  he  sent  the  postal  card  which 
19  [  289  ] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

arrived  at   the   farm  the  very  next  day.     It 
was   as   follows : 

"Dear  Folks: 

I  am  here  safe  and  sound.  Ethel  met 
me  at  the  station.  I  am  having  a  fine 
time. 

P.  S.  I  arrived  in  a  great  hurry 
about  three  o'clock. 

Uncle   Harvey." 

It  is  one  of  the  delightful  tributes  to  our 
present  civilization  that  it  is  perfectly  pos- 
sible for  an  intelligent  woman  to  live  an 
entire  lifetime  and  still  be  so  shielded  from 
the  sordid  things  in  life  as  to  be  hardly 
aware  of  their  existence. 

"Where's  Hadlock?" 

In  the  cheery  kitchen  of  an  old  but  beauti- 
ful New  England  farmhouse,  an  elderly 
woman  was  busily  engaged  in  preparing  the 
evening  meal.  She  was  a  woman  of  educa- 
tion and  broad  sympathies,  prominent  in  the 
church  and  in  all  good  works.  Her  kindly 

[290] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE   HUMOR 

solicitude  for  the  household  took  into  ac- 
count even  the  most  transient  laborer  tem- 
porarily employed  on  the  farm. 

One  of  the  hands  who  had  lived  at  the 
farm  for  several  years  was  taking  a  short 
vacation.  It  had  vaguely  come  to  the  ears 
of  the  kind  lady  that  this  man  had  been 
known  to  indulge  a  little  too  freely  in  stimu- 
lants. It  seemed  to  her,  however,  that  there 
must  be  some  mistake  about  these  rumors, 
in  view  of  the  never-failing  good  behavior, 
respectful  manner  and  general  capability  of 
the  man  in  his  relations  with  the  family  and 
the  farm. 

r" 

Sad  to  say  on  this  occasion  above  men- 
tioned, there  was  disillusionment  in  store  for 
this  friendly  lady. 

The  kitchen  door  opened  and  the  man  who 
had  been  on  vacation  entered.  The  cheery 
welcome  with  which  she  was  about  to  greet 
him  was  checked  on  her  lips.  Somehow  he 
looked  strange different. 

Standing  in  the  entrance  to  the  room  and 
swaying  slightly  on  his  feet,  the  man,  whose 

[291] 


NEW    ENGLAND   JOKE   LORE 

hat  was  tilted  a  little  to  one  side,  inquired 
in  tones  of  solemn  gravity: 

"Where's   Hadlock?" 

The  woman  looked  at  him  in  utter  be- 
wilderment. He  smiled  a  silly  smile  and  again 
asked  the  question: 

"Shay,  where's  Hadlock?" 

And  now  it  dawned  upon  this  estimable  old 
lady  that  those  stories  which  had  come  to  her 
in  the  past  must  have  had  some  foundation. 
For  the  man  who  was  asking  this  question 
was  Hadlock  himself. 

Many  tales  have  been  told  of  the  French- 
Canadian  "habitant"  which  would  imply  that 
he  is  a  very  conservative  person.  It  would 
appear,  however,  that  when  he  becomes  trans- 
planted on  a  farm  in  "the  States,"  he  is  quite 
capable  of  getting  up  to  date. 

A  French-Canadian  Version  of  Employers* 
Liability  Insurance 

A  wide  awake  "Canuck"  who  was  branch- 
ing out  as  a  progressive  farmer  in  a  New 
England  state,  became  much  interested  in  a 

[292] 


THE   TONIC   OF   YANKEE    HUMOR 

proposed  employers'  liability  bill  which  was  up 
for  discussion  in  the  legislature.  Some  of  his 
friends,  being  a  little  skeptical,  he  proceeded  to 
make  the  matter  clear  to  them how  success- 
fully the  reader  may  judge  from  the  following: 
"All  dose  farmer  mans  be  protect  so  when 
hees  ole  mare  kick  himself  up,  broke  it  the 
harness,  kill  de  wagon  and  de  hire  mans;  or 
if  the  mow  machine  run  away  from  de  span 
hoss  and  kill  the  whole  beesness,  hire  man, 

machine  and  horse, What  for  that  farmer 

mans  hees  be  blame  in  dis  bill?     No,  sir;  I 
guess  not !" 


[293] 


J£.??.UTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  758  460     o 


